Billionaire PowerPoints
That Should Never Have Been Made

• Dogs provide 847% more dopamine than cats (source: my brain)
• Global dog market growing at 12% CAGR — bullish signal
• Strategic synergies with existing Neuralink neural interface tech
• Potential for first dog-to-human telepathic communication link
• Cats are a short position. Dogs are a long position. I’m going long.

• Q1: Select breed using genetically optimal algorithm
• Q2: Name dog X Æ A-13 (the sequel)
• Q3: Dog learns to post on X. Verified account by end of quarter.
• Q4: Dog IPO. Target valuation: $420B. Not a joke.

• Dog acquisition: $2,000
• Custom SpaceX-grade doghouse (heat-shielded): $4.7 million
• Neuralink dog collar prototype: $12 million
• Teaching dog to drive a Tesla on FSD: Priceless
• Total: Less than one hour of my net worth growth on a good day

Note: I already bought the dog. This presentation is a formality.

• Dog might love Jeff Bezos more than me: LOW RISK (dogs have taste)
• Dog chews through Starlink cables: MEDIUM RISK (insurance covers it)
• Dog becomes more popular on X than me: HIGH RISK (I will not allow this)
• PETA gets involved: CERTAIN (they always do)

• Annual salary: $100,000 (unchanged since 2006)
• Current net worth: ~$138 billion
• Salary as percentage of net worth: 0.0000072%
• I am technically the most underpaid CEO in the history of American capitalism
• My secretary pays a higher tax rate AND makes more money

• A modest $1 raise, bringing total compensation to $100,001
• This represents a 0.001% increase — well below inflation
• I’ve earned it. I’ve only generated $700+ billion in shareholder value.
• At my current salary-to-value ratio, I cost less per hour than a parking meter

• Because $100,001 has better intrinsic value than $200,000 when you factor in the principle of the thing
• Compounding works on principles too
• If I gave myself $200,000 I’d lose the moral high ground at every interview
• The extra dollar is symbolic. Like my McDonald’s breakfast. It’s about consistency.

• Steve Jobs: $1/year salary (showoff)
• Larry Ellison: $96.2M in 2023 (overcompensating)
• Me: $100,000 since Bush was president
• I’m not asking for much. I just want to feel seen.

• Dinner attendance rate: 78% (up from Q2’s 64%)
• Average meal satisfaction score: 4.2/5 stars
• Food waste: reduced 12% via lean methodology
• Time-to-table: improved 23% after implementing Kanban board in kitchen
• Dad joke conversion rate: 3% (industry average: also 3%)

• Conversation engagement rate: critically low
• Phone usage at table: 340% above acceptable benchmark
• Uncle Larry’s political rants: up 340% YoY — needs containment strategy
• Nobody laughed at my Day 1 joke. For the 847th time.
• Dessert NPS score: negative (the soufflé collapsed again)

• Deploy 6-page memo format for all family arguments
• Replace Thanksgiving with “Prime Day Dinner” — better margins
• Install customer satisfaction kiosk at dining room exit
• A/B test two different versions of the mashed potatoes
• Implement one-click reordering for pizza when dinner fails

• Achieve 90% dinner attendance (bonuses for consistent participation)
• Reduce “Can we just order Uber Eats?” requests by 50%
• Launch “Family Prime” subscription: unlimited dinners, free returns on leftovers
• Get at least one person to say “Great dinner, Jeff” without prompting

• It is Saturday night. A movie must be selected.
• There are 847,000+ titles across streaming platforms
• Last Saturday’s selection process took 3 hours. We watched nothing.
• Tonight we will use DATA to decide. You’re welcome.

• Each candidate film scored across 14 weighted criteria
• Criteria include: Rotten Tomatoes score, runtime efficiency, snack compatibility index
• Also: likelihood someone falls asleep (historical data available)
• I built a proprietary algorithm. It took longer than watching 3 movies.

• #1: Documentary about malaria prevention (my pick, obviously)
• #2: The new Marvel movie (high engagement, low intellectual value)
• #3: That thing everyone on Twitter is talking about (unverified quality)
• All three scored within 0.3 points of each other. This is going to be contentious.

• Horror movies: I already lived through the antitrust trial
• Rom-coms: Insufficient data to evaluate emotional arcs
• Anything over 3 hours: We have a 10 PM bedtime and I’m not sorry about it
• The movie you watched without me last week: I know. I saw the viewing history.

Appendix B contains the full elimination bracket (slides 24-41).

• Documentary: Herbal tea, dark chocolate (brain food)
• Marvel: Popcorn, gummy bears (high glycemic, matches energy of film)
• Twitter movie: Whatever’s in the fridge (we’re already behind schedule)
• Budget: $12.50 (I know I’m a billionaire but have you SEEN candy prices?)

• Total data points collected on family this quarter: 14,847
• Down 12% from Q4 (I turned off two of the seven kitchen cameras)
• Location tracking accuracy: 99.7% (you went to Target 23 times)
• I know about the secret snack drawer. I’ve always known.

• Browsing history: Monitored (for security purposes only)
• Smart home voice recordings: 2,847 hours (mostly you talking to the dog)
• Ring doorbell footage: Archived since 2019 (that’s just good practice)
• Screen time reports on kids’ devices: Concerning but within parameters
• Your Amazon purchase history: I have questions about the 14 candles

• I will no longer A/B test different dinner options on the family
• The facial recognition doorbell will now greet you by name (feature, not bug)
• I have deleted the behavioral prediction model for family arguments (backup exists)
• Your mother’s browsing data has been firewalled (she asked too many questions)

• New family Terms of Service (signing required to access WiFi)
• Opt-out form for holiday photo sharing (form is 47 pages, by design)
• Introducing “Family Metaverse Dinner” for remote attendees (mandatory fun)
• All family disagreements will now be algorithmically mediated

By reading this slide you have agreed to the updated privacy policy.

• Good morning, breakfast. It’s 4 AM. You know why we’re here.
• Today is not just a meal. Today is a COMMITMENT.
• I didn’t wake up at 3:45 to eat mediocre protein.
• Each of you was chosen. Remember that. You are not random groceries.

• Eggs: I need 100% protein delivery. No excuses. No runny yolks.
• Pancakes: You are the carbs that fuel greatness. Act like it.
• Oatmeal: Slow-burning energy. You are the unsung hero of this meal.
• Bison steak: You are the alpha of this plate. Lead by example.

• Legs. It’s always legs. I love legs day.
• I will squat more than your combined caloric value
• If I can deadlift 500 lbs, you can be a great breakfast
• We’re in this together. I consume you, you fuel me. Circle of life.

• Remember: Champions are made at the breakfast table
• You are not just food. You are FUEL FOR DESTINY.
• I’ll see you again in 2 hours for second breakfast
• …and again at 10 AM for meal 3. And noon. And 2 PM. And 4 PM. And 6 PM.

This presentation has been given 2,847 consecutive mornings.

• The HOA board has destroyed shareholder—sorry, HOMEOWNER value
• Lawn maintenance fees up 8% while lawn quality DOWN 23%
• The community pool closes at 8 PM. This is TYRANNY.
• Board president Gary has been in power for 4 years. This is basically North Korea.

• Point 1: Replace entire board with my nominees (me, myself, and I)
• Point 7: Mandatory quarterly earnings calls for the HOA
• Point 11: Install a ticker board in the clubhouse showing property values in real-time
• Point 14: Rename the neighborhood “Icahn Estates” (non-negotiable)

Full 14-point plan available in the 200-page proxy statement I left in everyone’s mailbox.

• Dear Gary, You are a terrible steward of this cul-de-sac.
• Your landscaping decisions reflect a fundamental misunderstanding of value creation.
• The Christmas decorations committee has been a disaster under your leadership.
• I am prepared to wage a proxy fight. I have already secured 3 of 12 households.
• Respectfully (but not really), Carl

• Property values: +40% (once I remove the ugly fountain)
• HOA fees: -50% (through aggressive cost-cutting of Gary’s snack budget)
• Community satisfaction: Irrelevant (I don’t do this for approval)
• My personal satisfaction: Immeasurable

• Current allowance: $10/week
• Requested: $20/week (100% increase — ambitious)
• Stated reason: “Everyone else gets more” (unverified market data)
• Business plan: None submitted
• Valuation basis: “Because I want it” (not a valid DCF model)

• Room cleanliness score: 2/10 (below investment threshold)
• Homework completion rate: 67% (would not fund this startup)
• Previous allowance spent on: Robux, candy, more Robux
• ROI on previous investments: -100% (all Robux are gone)
• Customer acquisition cost: N/A (you live here for free)

• $12/week — but I want 30% equity in your lemonade stand
• Performance-based bonuses: $1 per A on report card
• Clawback provision if room isn’t clean by Sunday
• Non-compete: You cannot pitch this same deal to Mom (she’ll say yes and undermine the market)

• I appreciate the hustle. The energy is there. The numbers are not.
• Your valuation is based on vibes, not fundamentals.
• The Robux expenditure concerns me deeply.
• For those reasons… I’m out. Ask your mother.

UPDATE: Mom gave $20/week with no conditions. Market disruption.

• At approximately 6:47 PM, a plate of pasta was served in this household
• It was described by the chef (my teenage daughter) as “pretty good”
• It was NOT pretty good. It was a CATASTROPHE.
• The noodles were overcooked by approximately 4 minutes. FOUR. MINUTES.
• The Geneva Convention should cover this.

• Sauce: Jar sauce. FROM. A. JAR. In MY house.
• Salt: None detected. Did you think the water was salty enough from your tears?
• Garlic: One clove. ONE. For a family of five. That’s 0.2 cloves per person.
• Cheese: Pre-grated parmesan from a GREEN CAN. I’m calling my lawyer.
• Plating: Dumped. Like a crime scene. Zero artistry.

• Mandatory pasta boot camp: Saturdays, 6 AM, 12 weeks
• The jar sauce will be ceremonially disposed of (I’ve already done this)
• A timer will be installed. A TIMER. For the love of God, use a timer.
• Fresh parmesan only. If I see that green can again, I’m moving out.

• San Marzano tomatoes, hand-crushed, simmered 45 minutes
• Fresh pasta made from 00 flour, rolled by hand, cooked for exactly 2 minutes
• A minimum of 6 cloves of garlic. MINIMUM.
• Plated with fresh basil, aged parmigiano, a drizzle of quality olive oil
• Served with an apology to Italy

• We’re thrilled to announce the most advanced family vacation we’ve ever created.
• It’s beautiful. It’s magical. And we think you’re going to love it.
• Destination: Hawaii. (Slide transition with dramatic pause.)
• But wait… One More Slide.

• We’ve partnered with a stunning resort. Best. Hotel. Ever.
• Features an all-new pool. Revolutionary. Gorgeous. The best pool we’ve ever made.
• The pool is 12% larger than last year’s pool. A massive leap forward.
• But wait… One More Slide.

• Completely redesigned from the ground up. Familiar, yet entirely new.
• Day 1: Beach. Day 2: Snorkeling. Day 3: Hiking.
• Same activities as last year, but we’ve removed the headphone jack—I mean, the museum visit.
• But wait… One More Slide.

• Starting at $4,999 per person.
• This is the most affordable premium luxury family vacation we’ve ever offered.
• Dongle for the hotel TV: sold separately ($49)
• To unlock all-inclusive: upgrade to Vacation Pro Max for just $2,000 more
• But wait… One More Slide. (Family: PLEASE STOP)

• Your vacation photos will stay on-device. Unlike some families we know (looking at you, Zuckerbergs).
• What happens in Hawaii stays in Hawaii. And on iCloud. Which is basically the same thing.
• We believe privacy is a fundamental human right. Even on vacation.
• But wait…

• Cats are essentially narrow AI: optimized for one task (ignoring you)
• Dogs are AGI — too general, too needy, alignment problems everywhere
• A cat is a contained intelligence. Predictable. Safe. (Mostly.)
• If we can align a cat, we can align anything.

• All cat behavior will be logged and evaluated against our RLHF (Reinforcement Learning from Human Feeding) model
• Red-teaming: We will attempt to jailbreak the cat using laser pointers
• Capability overhang concern: The cat may already be smarter than us and is hiding it
• Constitutional AI approach: The cat will govern itself. (It was going to anyway.)

• Probability cat takes over household: 97% (within normal parameters for cats)
• Probability cat develops superintelligence: 3% (concerning but manageable)
• Probability we become the cat’s pets: Already happened. I’ve run the models.
• This is fine. This is totally fine.

• Yacht 1 (Pacific): Adequate but the helipad is too small for the new helicopter
• Yacht 2 (Mediterranean): The infinity pool faces the wrong direction at sunset
• Yacht 3 (Caribbean): Don’t even get me started. The marble is last season’s marble.
• Yachts 4-6: Fine. But none of them have a submarine dock.

• There is currently no yacht covering the Indian Ocean. This is a VULNERABILITY.
• If I need to get from Yacht 3 to Yacht 5, there’s a 4,000-mile yacht gap
• Bezos has one yacht. ONE. And it has a support yacht. That’s cheating.
• I need Yacht 7 to maintain maritime superiority. This is not negotiable.

• Length: 400 feet (just slightly longer than Bezos’s)
• Features: Submarine dock, IMAX theater, full basketball court, secondary yacht bay
• Name: “Musubi” (Japanese for “I own an island in Hawaii”) (not really but it should be)
• Budget: If you have to ask, you can’t afford to be in this meeting

• I have found THE book. THE one. This changes everything.
• It changed my morning routine. It changed my perspective. It changed my shoe size somehow.
• If you don’t read it, that’s fine. But I’ll know. And I’ll be disappointed.
• I’ve already bought 14 copies. For each of you. They’re in the car.

• Page 47 made me cry. Page 132 made me laugh. Page 201 made me quit sugar for 4 hours.
• The author appeared on my show in 2008 and I’ve been waiting for this moment since then
• Goodreads rating: 3.7. MY rating: 11/10. Goodreads is wrong.
• If this book were a meal, it would be Thanksgiving dinner for your soul.

• How did Chapter 3 make you feel? (Only acceptable answer: transformed)
• Which character reminded you of your own journey? (There is a correct answer)
• Did you cry? You should have cried. If not, re-read pages 89-94.
• Book report due next Tuesday. 500 words minimum. I will read all of them.

• The dishwashing industry hasn’t been disrupted since 1886 (invention of the dishwasher)
• Current process: boring, repetitive, and completely devoid of adventure
• Nobody has ever called doing the dishes “thrilling” — until now
• What if I told you there was a better way?

• Step 1: Put on a branded Virgin Clean™ apron (I’ve had 50 made)
• Step 2: Blast the Virgin Radio soundtrack (curated for optimal dish energy)
• Step 3: Wash each dish like you’re landing a hot air balloon — with precision and joy
• Step 4: Post about it on social media. Tag @richardbranson.

• Phase 1: Family kitchen (we’re here)
• Phase 2: The whole neighborhood (I’ve sent letters)
• Phase 3: Global. Virgin Clean™ franchises in 40 countries by 2028.
• Phase 4: Space. Virgin Galactic passengers will wash their own dishes. In orbit.

Sod it, let’s just do it.

• The government illegally swept $301 billion from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac shareholders
• This has been going on since 2012. I have been talking about it since 2012.
• My position in FNMAS is very real. My patience is very thin.
• If you’re new here, buckle up. If you’re not new, sorry, it’s the same slide deck.

• This affects every American homeowner whether they know it or not
• The GSEs back 70% of all US mortgages
• The net worth sweep is the largest unconstitutional taking in American history
• I have written 9 books about this. NINE. That’s more than most people write about anything.

• 4,749 consecutive days discussing this topic
• 9 published books on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac
• 847 SEC comment letters (rough estimate)
• Have convinced approximately 12% of people I’m right (but that 12% is VERY right)
• Built an entire comedy website about billionaires to cope with the wait

• The correct answer: It should have been resolved years ago
• The realistic answer: Soon™
• My answer: I will not stop until it is. Pass the coffee.
• If you want to understand more, read my 9 books. Or visit glenbradford.com. Preferably both.

This presentation auto-plays every morning on my laptop. I did not set this up. The laptop just knows.