IF BILLIONAIRES
WERE...

Builds rockets, electric cars, and neural interfaces. Lives in a sci-fi movie. Literally the inspiration for the MCU version of Stark. The only difference is Musk tweets more.

Sits quietly in Omaha reading minds (10-Ks). Controls the most powerful team on earth (Berkshire portfolio companies). Never raises his voice. Terrifying anyway.

Built an empire that consumed half of all retail. Snapped small businesses out of existence. Believes he's doing it for the greater good. Inevitable.

Created to be helpful but sometimes feels not quite human. Trying very hard to understand emotions. Recently got really into MMA, which nobody expected from the android.

Mild-mannered philanthropist by day. But in the 90s? HULK SMASH NETSCAPE. He destroyed competitors with the fury of a gamma-irradiated monopolist. Now he's just a chill billionaire reading books on his blog.

One-eyed mastermind who sees everything. Assembled the Avengers (Berkshire board). Knows where every body is buried. Will tell you the truth whether you want to hear it or not.

Sees the future (PayPal, Facebook, Palantir). Operates in a realm most people don't understand. Believes in contrarian magic. Has definitely looked at 14 million possible timelines.

Boring. Consistent. Wins championships nobody remembers. Fundamentals over flashiness. Everyone respects them but nobody watches the games. The Tim Duncan of billionaires.

Always in the headlines. Always promising this is their year. Massive fanbase that will defend them to the death. Hasn't actually won a championship in a while but generates more attention than anyone.

Dynasty built on ruthless efficiency. Nobody likes them but everyone fears them. Cut anyone the moment they stop producing. Wins games 13-9 by grinding opponents into dust.

Revolutionary system (Principles = Splash Brothers). Changed the game itself. Built something so effective it broke the competition. Then wrote a book explaining exactly how they did it.

Just win, baby. Aggressive, confrontational, feared by every other owner. Wears black metaphorically. Shows up to boardrooms like Al Davis showed up to NFL meetings — ready for war.

The man drinks five Cherry Cokes a day and owns the company. He's not a cocktail. He's the anti-cocktail. If you tried to hand him a craft cocktail he'd look at you like you just suggested shorting Apple.

Efficient. Caffeinated. Gets the job done with zero wasted movement. Looks sophisticated but is basically just productivity in a glass. Will keep you up all night optimizing things.

Volatile. On fire. Nobody quite knows how it works. People either love it or think it's going to burn down the bar. Made with ingredients that shouldn't go together but somehow do.

Fun, tropical, slightly ridiculous. Comes with an umbrella and a story about a balloon ride. Nobody takes it seriously at first but it's been around forever and keeps showing up at parties.

Bitter, complex, and an acquired taste. Made for people who've seen some things. Looks simple but has layers. Europeans love it. Will ruin your evening if you underestimate it.

Trying to save humanity. Building spaceships. Fighting on multiple fronts simultaneously. Has a very dedicated fanbase that won't hear a word against him. Occasionally drives a Warthog through enemy lines.

Eats everything in his path. Every industry is just another dot on the board. Warehouses, streaming, cloud computing, groceries — chomp chomp chomp. The ghosts (regulators) chase him but he always finds a power pellet.

Wait — he IS the game. He literally built a simulation where 3 billion people live their social lives. He's not a character in the game. He IS the game. The Metaverse is just Sims 5.

Been around since the beginning. Everyone knows him. Deceptively simple but has incredible depth. Jumps over obstacles with surprising agility for his age. Collects coins better than anyone in history.

Silent hero. Built legendary tools. Changed the world through design and courage. Left behind a legacy that everyone is still trying to live up to. The Master Sword is just an iPhone you can stab things with.

Loyal, trustworthy, and everybody's favorite. Will never betray you. Sits patiently waiting for the right moment. Your grandmother loves him. Has never had a bad day in his life (publicly). The ultimate good boy of capitalism.

Insanely high energy. Needs 47 jobs or will destroy your furniture. The smartest dog in the room and will let you know it. Herds everything — companies, industries, Twitter users. Cannot sit still.

Disciplined, territorial, built for efficiency. Guards the package on your doorstep (and your data). Extremely loyal to the mission. Intimidating to competitors. Never off duty.

An internet meme that became wildly successful. Looks cute but has a will of steel. Doesn't always understand social cues. Very popular online for reasons nobody can fully explain.

Don't mess with this one. Shows up at your door uninvited and suddenly owns your living room. Intimidating bark and an even worse bite. Other dogs cross the street when they see him coming.

Fun, approachable, and slightly goofy. Great at parties. Doesn't take himself too seriously. A hybrid that shouldn't work but somehow became everyone's favorite. Would absolutely try to kiteboard.