The Party Nobody Asked For
What if the world's most powerful people sat down at a table, rolled 4d6-drop-lowest, and argued about whether Lawful Evil is "actually kind of based"? What classes would they play? What alignment would they argue about for three hours before the first combat encounter?
We built full character sheets for 11 billionaires. Real stats. Real equipment. Real campaign logs. Some of these characters would make any DM weep with joy. Others would get kicked from the table before session two. Elizabeth Holmes would convince the DM she rolled a natural 20 on every check — until someone actually looked at the dice.
This is the campaign that would either save the world or destroy it. Probably both. In the same session.
The Full Roster
11 characters. 6 alignments. An unreasonable number of legendary items. Click any character with a full sheet to see their complete build.
Mark Zuckerberg
Level 20 Information Cleric
Knows everything about everyone in the realm. Wears the same gray tunic every day.
Summary OnlyBill Gates
Level 20 Abjuration Wizard
Cast Shield on the entire world. Now trying to cast Heal on malaria.
Summary OnlyRichard Branson
Level 20 Swashbuckler Rogue
Has literally attempted to fly across the Atlantic in a balloon. Twice.
Summary OnlySara Blakely
Level 20 Transmutation Wizard
Turned pantyhose into a billion dollars. The ultimate transmutation.
Summary OnlySam Altman
Level 20 Conjuration Wizard
Summoned an intelligence from the void. Not sure if it's a familiar or a patron.
Summary OnlyThe Alignment Chart
Party Dynamics: What Would Actually Happen
Session Zero Would Last 11 Hours
Musk would insist on homebrewing his own subclass. Bezos would try to buy the DM's screen. Jobs would redesign the character sheet to have fewer fields. Buffett would sit quietly and read the Monster Manual cover to cover before anyone else finished rolling stats. Holmes would claim she already rolled all 18s but lost the paper.
The First Combat Encounter
Oprah casts Bardic Inspiration on the entire party — permanently. Musk charges in without a plan and somehow crits. Bezos sends his Alexa familiar to scout and then buys the dungeon. Buffett waits. Gates casts Shield on everyone. Holmes casts Major Image of herself fighting and hides behind a rock. Jobs convinces the dragon it doesn't need wings.
The Inevitable Party Split
Bezos and Gates argue about OS market share. In a dungeon. Musk wanders off to explore a side tunnel because 'it looked interesting.' Branson tries to befriend the mimic. Oprah starts a talk show in the tavern. Holmes is revealed to be three kobolds in a trenchcoat.
The Long Rest That Never Happens
Musk never takes short rests. Bezos insists the party can rest when they're dead. Buffett has been resting since 1965 and is somehow the strongest character at the table. Jobs refuses to rest because 'rest is for people who don't believe in what they're building.' Only Oprah and Gates support work-life balance at the table, and they are outvoted 9 to 2.
“The DM asked me to describe my character's motivation. I said: 'Compound interest.' The DM said that's not a motivation. I said: 'Give it 40 years.'
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