IF BILLIONAIRES HAD
TINDER PROFILES

Looking for someone with a wide moat and strong fundamentals. Must appreciate a good McGriddle. I live in the same house I bought in 1958 — so yes, I’m stable. My love language is compound interest. Swipe right if you can hold a relationship for 20+ years. Short-term traders, swipe left.

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“Money Can’t Buy Me Love” — The Beatles

CEO of like 5 things. Father of [ERROR: NUMBER UPDATING]. Will take you to Mars (eventually). Looking for someone who can handle me tweeting at 3am about dogecoin while our rockets are launching. I work 120 hours a week so our dates will be at the factory. Non-negotiable.

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“Rocket Man” — Elton John

Built the everything store. Now looking for the everything person. Must be willing to sign an NDA for our first date. I look different now (gym arc). Will take you to space but you’re buying your own ticket. My laugh has been described as ‘supervillain-adjacent’ and I’m okay with that.

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“I Want It All” — Queen

I’m actually very normal and human. I enjoy human activities like surfing, smoking meats, and processing — I mean FEELING — emotions. Swipe right and join me in the Metaverse where I definitely won’t harvest your data. 😊 That is a smile. I am smiling.

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“Electric Feel” — MGMT

I’m dead, and I’m still smarter than you. If you swiped right, you’re an idiot — I’m unavailable in every sense of the word. This profile exists only so I can insult people from the afterlife. You’re not even the dumbest person I’ve rejected today. Stop using your phone and go read a book.

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“My Way” — Frank Sinatra

I don’t date. I execute hostile takeovers of your heart. I will show up uninvited to your family dinner, demand a board seat at the table, and replace your mother’s casserole recipe with something more shareholder-friendly. Resistance is futile. I own 9.8% of you already.

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“Bad to the Bone” — George Thorogood

I believe in radical transparency. On our first date, I will share a 47-page document rating your strengths and weaknesses on a 1–10 scale. I will then ask you to rate me. We will discuss the results in a group setting with my friends. This is how love works. I wrote a book about it.

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“The Sound of Silence” — Simon & Garfunkel

I found you in the cereal aisle comparing unit prices and I knew you were the one. My investment strategy is ‘buy what you know’ and I know I like you. Let me take you on a date to every store in the mall so I can evaluate foot traffic. Brought a notebook. This IS the date.

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“Walking on Sunshine” — Katrina and the Waves

I broke the Bank of England. I can handle your emotional baggage. My approach to dating is reflexive — I observe how you react to me reacting to you reacting to me. Also, I’m shorting your ex. Made $1.2 billion doing it. They had weak fundamentals. You deserve better.

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“London Calling” — The Clash

Here’s the deal. I’m offering you 100% of my love for 0% equity. But if you can’t tell me your customer acquisition cost for this relationship in the next 30 seconds, I’m out. HOWEVER — if you’re passionate, scrappy, and willing to hustle, I might go to 110%. And for that reason, I’m in.

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“All I Do Is Win” — DJ Khaled

I will propose to you using a PowerPoint. Slide 1: Why We’re Compatible (with bar charts). Slide 2: Projected Synergies Over 10 Years. Slide 3: Risk Factors (manageable). I’ve eradicated diseases in 47 countries but I cannot figure out how to dress myself. Please help. I have resources.

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“Start Me Up” — The Rolling Stones

I bet against your last relationship and made a fortune. I see the crash coming in everything — housing, stocks, your situationship. Currently long on loneliness and short on patience. I deleted this profile 4 times already and will probably delete it again in 20 minutes. Don’t get attached.

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“Everybody Wants to Rule the World” — Tears for Fears

I see our future and it’s exponential. People laughed when I predicted we’d date — they said the fundamentals don’t support it. But I have a 5-year time horizon and my conviction is UNWAVERING. I’m buying the dip on this relationship. My models say we’re going to $4,000 (per share of love).

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“The Future’s So Bright” — Timbuk3

This bio is exactly 280 characters. I fast. I meditate. I walk to work. I have one meal a day and it’s just a bowl of something. I built two companies and then left both of them. Looking for someone who appreciates minimalism. Less is more. Except for my beard. That stays.

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“Silence Is Golden” — The Tremeloes

I asked GPT what to say on my dating profile and it wrote: ‘Sam is a visionary leader who’ — okay I’m not using that. Look, I run OpenAI and even I don’t know what’s coming next. Our relationship could achieve AGI (Actual Genuine Intimacy). Or it could go off the rails. Either way, it’ll be historic.

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“Mr. Brightside” — The Killers

Profile pic: gym selfie. Second pic: gym selfie (different angle). Third pic: gym selfie (with motivational quote). Fourth pic: cheat meal that could feed a village. I wake up at 3:47 AM. Yes, 3:47 specifically. CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING? It’s chicken breast. Again.

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“Eye of the Tiger” — Survivor

I was Mr. Universe. I was the Terminator. I was the Governor of California. And now I’m on a dating app. If you think about it, this is the most impressive thing I’ve done. Swipe right if you want to live. That’s not a threat — it’s a quote from my movie. Or is it?

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“You’re The Best Around” — Joe Esposito

I don’t do competition. If you’re on this app swiping through thousands of profiles, you’ve already lost. Real love is a monopoly. I want to be the only person you’d ever swipe right on. Zero to one, baby. Also, I may or may not be trying to live forever, so this could be a very long-term commitment.

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“Forever Young” — Alphaville

Screw it, let’s date. I’ve kite-surfed across the English Channel, ballooned across the Atlantic, and gone to space. A dinner date feels a bit tame, so how about we do something fun? Like start an airline. Or a mobile phone company. I’ve done both on a whim before. Bring a passport.

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“Don’t Stop Me Now” — Queen

I run the biggest bank in America. My jawline runs the biggest bank in your fantasies. I’ve survived every financial crisis since 1998 by being the smartest guy in the room and dressing like it. Our first date will be at a steakhouse. I will order for both of us. You will enjoy it.

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“Empire State of Mind” — Jay-Z & Alicia Keys

I wear a leather jacket to everything. Board meetings. Keynotes. Weddings. I will wear it on our date. My love language is parallel processing — I can think about you AND GPUs at the same time. My company is worth $3 trillion because I bet everything on AI before it was cool. I’ll bet everything on us too.

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“Leather and Lace” — Stevie Nicks & Don Henley

This profile has been designed with zero buttons. You cannot swipe. You cannot type. You can only gaze at it and feel something. The bio is written in Helvetica Neue and it’s perfect. I rejected 47 versions of this sentence. Your profile? It’s okay. I guess. Actually, it’s terrible. Start over.

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“Imagine” — John Lennon

I bought the Constitution. Not a copy — THE Constitution. I spend $238 million on a single apartment the way you buy a coffee. I will take you to my private island, fly you on my private jet, and show you my private T-Rex fossil. Yes, I own a dinosaur. Your ex can’t compete with that.

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“Money Money Money” — ABBA

I put my entire net worth into Fannie Mae preferred shares and then built a personal website with 800+ pages to cope. I’ve written 9 books, mass-produced 150 billionaire subpages, and I’m currently writing YOUR Tinder bio for a comedy page. My thesis is right. My timing is... developing. Swipe right if you have conviction.

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“Waiting on the World to Change” — John Mayer