BILLIONAIRE
YELP REVIEWS

“I've eaten here every morning since 1972. The McGriddle has a moat wider than any tech company. My total lifetime spend here is approximately $47,000, which, adjusted for the joy it brings me, represents a P/E ratio of roughly 3x. Outstanding value. I see no reason to diversify my breakfast. When people ask me what I look for in a business, I say 'durable competitive advantage.' When people ask me what I look for in a breakfast, I say the exact same thing.”

“The breadsticks are unlimited but the management is limited. I've written a 14-page letter to the hostess suggesting they spin off the salad bar into a separate entity. The current CEO of this Olive Garden location has been in power for three years and has failed to maximize shareholder value in the breadstick division. Will be taking a 9.8% stake in this location's tip jar. If my demands are not met by the end of the meal, I will be launching a proxy fight at the next PTA meeting.”

“Absolutely disgusting. Fossil fuels are destroying the planet. Also I bought this gas station. It's now a Supercharger station. The bathroom attendant reports to me. Update: I've fired the bathroom attendant. Second update: I've rehired the bathroom attendant at 2x salary but he has to sleep here. Third update: I'm renaming this location to 'X Fuel.' Fourth update: there is no fuel here anymore. It's a tunnel entrance.”

“The principles of this studio are radically transparent. When the instructor said 'find your center,' I realized this is just radical open-mindedness applied to hamstrings. I've added 'downward dog' to my principles document between 'embrace reality' and 'use the 5-step process.' Pain + Reflection = Progress, and my hip flexors confirm this. I gave every student in the class a Dot score on their warrior pose. Most scored poorly. I shared these scores publicly, as is tradition.”

“Walked through the cereal aisle and found three ten-baggers before I hit the dairy section. The organic quinoa is priced at a 40x multiple to regular quinoa but the growth story is there. My wife asked why I was taking photos of shelf space allocation. I told her I was doing due diligence. She left without me. Bought the store's loyalty card — best investment since Dunkin' Donuts in '88. The key to great investing is buying what you know, and I know my way around a produce section.”

“This is the greatest institution in civilization and anyone who disagrees is an idiot. I've read every book in the biography section twice. The economics section is adequate but lacks intellectual rigor after shelf 4. I told a young man in the self-help aisle that his reading choices were 'massively stupid' and he should read Ben Franklin instead. He cried. Learning is supposed to hurt. Free books! Only a moron would pay for a gym membership when the library exists.”

“The spread on their GBP/USD is criminal — 4.2% above mid-market. I broke the Bank of England with a tighter spread than this. Told the clerk I'd like to short the British pound and she said they 'don't do that here.' I laughed so hard I scared the family behind me. The reflexivity of airport currency pricing is fascinating: the worse the rate, the more desperate people pay it, which incentivizes even worse rates. Three stars because the queue moved quickly.”

“The sashimi platter is $34.99 for what is essentially $6 worth of fish and some decorative radish. That's a 480% markup. I know a guy who can supply this fish for $2.40 per pound delivered to your door. I'll offer $200,000 for 30% equity in this restaurant, but I need an answer right now. If you go talk to the other Sharks — I mean, other restaurant reviewers — I'm out. The miso soup was good. For that reason, I'm in on the miso soup.”

“Interesting concept. Physical books, arranged on shelves, in a building people drive to. I studied this business model extensively in 1994 and identified several inefficiencies. The customer cannot read reviews from other customers while holding the book. There is no 'Customers who bought this also bought' section. The checkout line had four people in it. Four. I have a patent on one-click purchasing and this place requires eleven clicks minimum. Charming, in an obsolete sort of way.”

“The hardware is beautiful, I'll admit. The genius bar concept is clever, though I note our Microsoft Stores also had... never mind. Picked up an iPad for my reading. The sales associate asked if I had a Mac at home and I said 'I have a complicated relationship with this company.' He didn't recognize me. This was either humbling or I need to update my wardrobe. The store layout is excellent but I couldn't find a single malaria net or toilet innovation display. Priorities, Tim.”

“This 4-bedroom colonial is listed at $1.2M in a market where comparable homes sold for $680K in 2019. The realtor said 'real estate always goes up.' I showed her my 2007 portfolio returns. She asked me to leave. The foundation has a crack that the staging furniture is cleverly hiding. The schools are rated 7/10 which means the property tax is subsidizing mediocrity. I will be shorting the entire neighborhood. Already bought credit default swaps on the HOA.”

“This church understands what the market does not: you have to believe in things you cannot yet see. The pastor spoke about faith and I immediately thought of Roku's 2029 earnings potential. God has a 5-year time horizon, just like ARK Invest. The hymns were about conviction through adversity, which is basically my Q3 investor letter. I tithed 10% and suggested they allocate it to genomics, autonomous vehicles, and Bitcoin. The congregation seemed confused but I see the future and they will thank me later.”

“BUY BUY BUY the nachos! The nachos at this Dave & Buster's are a SCREAMING BUY at $13.99. Wait — SELL SELL SELL the nachos, they're overvalued, the cheese has peaked. Actually no — HOLD the nachos. The nachos are fairly valued. I'M POUNDING THE TABLE on the buffalo wings. *hits soundboard* BOOYAH! The skee-ball machines have incredible fundamentals. My price target on the basketball game is 40 tickets. DO YOUR HOMEWORK, PEOPLE. The men's room is a strong avoid.”

“I visited this brokerage purely for informational purposes and definitely did not place any trades based on upcoming legislation. The staff was very helpful when I asked, hypothetically, which semiconductor stocks might benefit from a bill that hasn't been written yet. My husband Paul sends his regards. We believe in a free and open market, which is why I support the STOCK Act that I definitely follow. The complimentary coffee was excellent. Five stars. My NVDA calls are up 340%.”

“The graphics are unacceptable. The latency is 23ms when it should be 11ms. The avatars have legs, which I find unnecessary. I offered to buy this arcade for $400 million and the owner laughed. He will not be laughing when the metaverse replaces all physical entertainment by 2027. I played their VR boxing game and won against a 12-year-old, which I count as a meaningful social connection. My team will be in touch about acquiring your customer data. I mean, about a partnership. Ignore the first thing.”

“[Posthumous review, submitted via the iCloud afterlife beta] This store is a monument to mediocrity. Every product is a rectangle with rounded corners — I should know, I patented the concept. The Galaxy phone has 47 settings menus, which means Samsung designed it by committee, which means no one designed it at all. I asked an employee about the store's design philosophy and he said 'we have lots of options.' Options. That's not a philosophy. That's a surrender. One star, and I'm being generous because the air conditioning worked.”

“Paid $43.2 million for a copy of the U.S. Constitution. Some people on the internet tried to pool their money to outbid me using something called a 'DAO.' It was very cute. I now own the founding document of American democracy and I keep it in my office next to my collection of other things regular people can't afford. The auction house service was impeccable. They offered champagne. I don't drink champagne at work — I only drink when closing positions that make more than a small country's GDP. Five stars.”

“Great location for running a multi-billion dollar exchange. The penthouse had plenty of room for my 10 roommates who are also my executives, which is totally normal corporate governance. The beanbag chairs were ergonomic. Played League of Legends during a risk management meeting, which this Airbnb fully supported with its excellent WiFi. Deducting one star because the locks on the door turned out to be inadequate — not for burglars, but for federal agents. Would not recommend for extradition purposes.”

“The menu is 27 pages long. This is the active management of restaurants. Nobody needs 250 items. You're paying a 2% markup for the illusion of choice when a simple cheeseburger would outperform 93% of this menu over a 15-year time horizon. I ordered the most boring thing available — grilled chicken, no sauce — and it was perfectly adequate. That's the point. Adequate, consistent, low-cost. The Cheesecake Factory charges $9 for cheesecake. I could index into cheesecake for $3.50 at Costco. Three stars. Stay the course.”

“Named after my investing philosophy. Ordered the IPA because when everyone else is drinking light beer, you drink the heaviest thing on the menu. That's how you make money. The bartender asked if I wanted a flight. I said 'I don't do flights. I go all in on one beer and I size it so big that if I'm wrong, I still wake up tomorrow.' He gave me a very large beer. The pretzel bites were undervalued relative to the mozzarella sticks. This brewery has the best risk/reward in the tri-state area.”

“Prices have risen 6.2% year-over-year on the KALLAX shelf unit, which I consider transitory. The MALM dresser supply chain has normalized but labor costs in the meatball kitchen remain elevated. I got lost in the showroom for 45 minutes, which mirrors my experience navigating the yield curve. The checkout line represents a soft landing — slow but ultimately functional. I paid with exact change because quantitative easing applies to BILLY bookcases just as it does to treasury bonds. The Swedish meatballs are my preferred gauge of consumer sentiment.”

“I like the stock. I also like this store. The employees are knowledgeable, the used game selection is deep value, and the short interest on the clearance bin is astronomical. I bought 47 copies of Donkey Kong Country at $2.99 each because I believe in the long-term fundamentals of gorillas throwing barrels. The store manager recognized me and asked why I was wearing a red headband. I told him it helps me see deep value. He gave me a 10% discount. This is not financial advice. I just like the store.”

“THIS. IS. A. PYRAMID. SCHEME. IN. SMOOTHIE. FORM. I have prepared a 342-slide PowerPoint presentation explaining why this kiosk should be shut down. The mango protein smoothie is a fraud. The acai bowl is a multi-level marketing scheme disguised as breakfast. I will be holding a three-hour press conference in the food court to explain why every customer here is a victim. The barista asked if I wanted whipped cream. I said no — I want JUSTICE. This is the defining short of my smoothie career. I will be vindicated.”

“Flawless machine. Dispenses cash efficiently, maintains adequate reserves, and has never once needed a government bailout. Unlike some institutions I could name. The touchscreen is responsive, the receipt paper is high-quality, and it has my name on it. Literally — it says JPMorgan Chase on the machine. I own this ATM. I'm reviewing my own ATM. Is that a conflict of interest? Perhaps. But the ATM doesn't care about your feelings. It just dispenses twenties. And it does it magnificently. This ATM is a fortress balance sheet in metal form.”

“Zero stars. You can't give zero so here's one. This building contains the people who orchestrated the net worth sweep of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. I walked in and asked to speak with someone about returning $301 billion in illegally swept profits to preferred shareholders. The security guard asked me to leave. I left him a copy of Fanniegate Volume 1. I'll be back with Volumes 2 through 8. The cafeteria had decent coffee, which is the only reason this isn't a negative star review. The audacity of these people. I'll never stop. FNMAS forever.”