CELEBRITY DATING
APP PROFILES

Bio

Long-term investor seeking long-term relationship. I don't believe in diversification -- why would I date more than one person when I've found someone with durable competitive advantages? I live in the same house I bought in 1958. I eat McDonald's every morning. I drink five Cherry Cokes a day. I am not going to change for you, and frankly, that consistency should be attractive. Swipe right if your time horizon is measured in decades, not weekends.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Day traders, people who check their phones during dinner, anyone who rents when they could buy, crypto enthusiasts, people who don't read annual reports for fun

Ideal First Date

Dairy Queen drive-through, then a bridge tournament at my house. I'll let you pick the music. It will be ukulele.

Anthem

“Can't Buy Me Love” — The Beatles

Bio

...

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Cruelty. That's it. That's the whole list.

Ideal First Date

I know a bench in Central Park. I'll bring sandwiches. We don't have to talk if you don't want to.

Anthem

“Here Comes the Sun” — The Beatles

Bio

I do all my own stunts. In love and in life. I once hung off the side of a plane for a relationship -- metaphorically. Actually, literally. I've hung off the side of a plane. Multiple planes. I flew a helicopter through a canyon. For fun. Looking for someone who can keep up. Must be comfortable with altitude. Also I should mention I'm a Scientologist. That's important. It's very important. We should talk about it.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Couch-sitters, people with a fear of heights, therapists (for personal reasons), anyone who brings up that Oprah interview

Ideal First Date

Skydiving, obviously. Then rock climbing. Then a candlelit dinner where I do not sit down because I am too energized. I will run to the restaurant. From the airport.

Anthem

“Danger Zone” — Kenny Loggins

Bio

Up at 3:45 AM. Workout by 4. Cardio done by 5:30. Meal one by 6: 10 egg whites, oatmeal, cod fish. Meal two by 9: chicken breast, rice, broccoli. Meal three by noon: bison, sweet potato, asparagus. Meal four by 3: salmon, jasmine rice, spinach. Meal five by 6: steak, baked potato. Meal six by 9: casein shake, peanut butter. That's the bio. That's who I am. There's also a cheat day. The cheat day is legendary.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Skipping leg day, people who don't set alarms, anyone who uses the word 'rest day' without irony, people who don't smell what's cooking

Ideal First Date

4 AM gym session. I'll design your program. Then we eat. A lot. Then I'll post an inspirational Instagram story about you. You will cry. In a good way.

Anthem

“Eye of the Tiger” — Survivor

Bio

I am... searching. For what, I cannot say. Perhaps it's love. Perhaps it's the Declaration of Independence. Perhaps it's the ghost of a medieval knight that I believe lives in my castle -- yes, I own a castle, two actually, I sold the one with the haunting. Am I intense? Some would say so. I would say I am ALIVE. Do you want to feel alive? Swipe right. But be warned: I once bought a dinosaur skull at auction. I returned it. But the fact remains.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

People who only watch 'safe' movies, anyone who has never screamed at the sky, people who think owning a dinosaur skull is 'too much'

Ideal First Date

A moonlit walk through my castle. I'll read you poetry I wrote in a fever dream. We'll listen to Beethoven in the crypt. If this goes well, I'll show you the pyramid.

Anthem

“Bohemian Rhapsody” — Queen

Bio

CEO of several companies. Father of many children (exact number fluctuates). I will take you to Mars. Not a metaphor. Literal Mars. Timeline: TBD. Currently posting at 3 AM about memes. My ideal partner understands that when I say 'I'll be home by 8' I mean 8 AM the following day. I sleep at the factory. Sometimes I sleep on the floor. This is who I am. I named a child X. I am not changing.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Short sellers, the SEC, anyone named 'Mark,' people who sleep more than 5 hours, journalists, people who don't understand memes, people with a healthy work-life balance

Ideal First Date

Tesla factory tour at midnight. I'll show you the production line. Then we'll watch a Falcon Heavy launch from the roof. Bring a jacket. And no expectations about timelines.

Anthem

“Rocket Man” — Elton John

Bio

Built the everything store. Now building the everything life. I look different now -- Google '2014 Jeff Bezos' versus 'now Jeff Bezos.' I discovered the gym and I am not going back. I will take you to space. You are buying your own ticket. My laugh has been described as 'unsettling' and 'the sound a supervillain makes when the plan works.' I own the Washington Post. Not relevant but I wanted you to know.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

People who return too many items, union organizers (this is a date not a negotiation), anyone who doesn't read their Kindle, people who take more than 24 hours to respond to a text

Ideal First Date

My yacht. International waters. NDA required. I'll bring the champagne. You bring the sense of wonder. We'll watch Earth from the deck and contemplate our insignificance. Then I'll laugh and you'll try not to be alarmed.

Anthem

“I Want It All” — Queen

Bio

I will write a song about you. This is not a threat. This is a promise. It will debut at number one. Your name will be in the bridge. Your friends will hear it at Target. Every ex I've ever had is now a Billboard Hot 100 entry and honestly that's the best thing I ever did for most of them. I am looking for someone who understands that when I say 'we need to talk,' I mean I've already written three verses and I need you to confirm the chorus.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

People who say 'I don't really listen to lyrics,' anyone who thinks Kanye was right, people who can't name all the eras in order, commitment-phobes (I will write about it)

Ideal First Date

A walk through New York in the fall. I'll point out 14 locations that inspired specific songs. You'll pretend this is normal. We'll end up at a piano bar where I 'spontaneously' play a new song that is clearly about tonight.

Anthem

“Love Story” — Taylor Swift

Bio

I don't have time for pleasantries. Your profile photo looks like it was taken on a microwave. Your bio is RAW. Completely RAW. You listed 'foodie' as a personality trait -- that tells me nothing. What kind of food? At what temperature? What's your knife technique? Do you know the difference between julienne and brunoise? No? Then we're already behind. Despite all of this, I swiped right because I see potential. Untrained, undisciplined, but saveable potential.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Microwaved fish, people who say 'it's fine' when the food is clearly not fine, well-done steak people, anyone who puts pineapple on pizza and calls it 'cuisine'

Ideal First Date

I cook for you at my house. Seven courses. You will rate each one honestly. If you lie and say the third course was 'great' when it was merely 'very good,' I will know. We're done by 10 PM. I have a 5 AM call time.

Anthem

“Under Pressure” — Queen and David Bowie

Bio

I am going to ask you about your childhood within the first 15 minutes. Not in a weird way. In an Oprah way. I have interviewed 37,000 people and every single one of them wanted the same thing: to be seen. I will see you. Completely. You might cry. Most people cry. I have tissues. I also have a book club, a magazine, a network, and a farm in Maui. Let's start with: What is the story you've been afraid to tell?

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Emotional unavailability, people who say 'I don't really have feelings,' anyone who has never read a book about personal growth, Dr. Phil fans (it's complicated)

Ideal First Date

Tea on my porch at sunset. We'll talk for four hours. You'll reveal something you've never told anyone. I'll nod. You'll feel lighter. Then I'll recommend a book. You'll read it. It will change your life. This is date one.

Anthem

“I Will Survive” — Gloria Gaynor

Bio

Tha Doggfather. Olympic torch carrier. Martha Stewart's best friend. Cooking show host. Football coach. Award show commentator. I contain multitudes, baby. I am the most relaxed person you will ever meet. Nothing bothers me. Literally nothing. I once narrated a nature documentary and the animals calmed down. I am looking for someone who appreciates that every room I enter smells... interesting. And that I will be asleep by 9 PM. Peacefully.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Stressful people, anyone who moves too fast, people who don't like dogs, people who judge my friendship with Martha, early morning people (before noon is early morning)

Ideal First Date

My house. I'll cook. Martha taught me. We'll listen to records. At some point I'll narrate what's happening like it's a nature documentary. You'll either find this charming or leave. Most people find it charming.

Anthem

“Gin and Juice” — Snoop Dogg

Bio

I once wore a dress made of meat to an awards show. I have won 14 Grammys, an Oscar, and a Golden Globe. I can sing, act, play piano, and produce a full album in the time it takes most people to decide what to have for lunch. I am looking for someone who is not intimidated by any of this. And if you are intimidated, that's okay too -- I will write a ballad about your insecurity and it will win a Grammy and you'll feel better about yourself. You're welcome.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

People who say 'you look different without makeup' like it's a compliment, anyone who thinks 'Born This Way' is 'just a song,' people who clap on 1 and 3 instead of 2 and 4

Ideal First Date

A piano bar. I'll pretend I'm a regular person for 20 minutes. Then I'll play something that makes you cry. Then we'll get Italian food. My grandmother's recipe. Non-negotiable.

Anthem

“Born This Way” — Lady Gaga

Bio

Alright alright alright. Look, I'm not here to play games. Unless the game is life, man, and we're all playing that one whether we signed up or not. I live in Austin. I drive a Lincoln. I play bongos at 2 AM and I am not going to apologize for that. I once lived in an Airstream and those were the best years of my life. I have a philosophy about everything and I will share it with you whether you asked or not. That's the deal. You in?

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

People who live in the past, anyone who can't sit in silence for 10 minutes, people who've never watched a sunrise on purpose, nihilists (have a little wonder, man)

Ideal First Date

A drive with no destination. Windows down. We'll find a roadside barbecue place. We'll talk about what scares us. Then we'll watch the stars from the hood of the car. That's the whole plan. That's plenty.

Anthem

“On the Road Again” — Willie Nelson

Bio

I am a normal human person. I enjoy normal human activities such as smoking meats, applying sunscreen in unusual quantities, and surfing on a hydrofoil while holding an American flag. I built a social network used by 3 billion people so I understand connection. Would you like to connect? I am smiling. You can tell because my mouth is in the upward position. I am also very into MMA now. I can choke people out. In a loving way.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Instagram-only users (I own it but still), people with privacy settings I can't... I mean that I respect, Tim Cook fans, people who think I'm a robot (I am not a robot)

Ideal First Date

Backyard BBQ at my compound. Sweet Baby Ray's. I grill. You observe. 14 security guards will be present but you won't notice them. They're very discreet. I'm told the meats are excellent.

Anthem

“Electric Feel” — MGMT

Bio

Married. Extremely married. This profile exists purely as a joke my wife dared me to make. If you match with me, I will send you a link to buy Aviation Gin and then immediately tell my wife about it because we don't keep secrets. Except the password to my meme folder. That's mine. I am a golden retriever in a human body and my wife is the one holding the leash. Figuratively. Maybe literally. None of your business.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Hugh Jackman fans, people who don't drink gin, anyone who thinks Deadpool is 'just a comic book movie,' and people who are not my wife

Ideal First Date

There is no first date. I am married. But if you buy a bottle of Aviation Gin and tag me, I'll like the post. That's as intimate as it gets.

Anthem

“You're So Vain” — Carly Simon

Bio

Academy Award winner. Environmental activist. I have strong opinions about the planet and a yacht. Yes, I'm aware of the contradiction. No, I will not be taking questions. I am looking for someone vibrant, adventurous, and passionate about life. Age is just a number. Specifically, a number under--actually, let's move on. I'm very committed to climate change. The cause, not the relationship.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Climate change deniers, people who don't recycle, anyone who asks about the age thing, people who bring up the door from Titanic (there was NOT enough room)

Ideal First Date

Art Basel. I'll explain every piece to you. You'll pretend to understand. We'll both know you don't. Then we'll take a yacht to dinner. For the environment.

Anthem

“Forever Young” — Alphaville

Bio

I went to prison and came out more iconic than when I went in. I can arrange flowers, bake a souffle, renovate a farmhouse, and manage a billion-dollar brand before you've had your morning coffee. I am 84 and I was on the cover of Sports Illustrated in a swimsuit. I am not looking for someone to complete me. I am complete. I am looking for someone who can keep up, stay out of my kitchen, and understand that 'casual' is not a word in my vocabulary.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Messy people, people who buy pre-made pie crust, anyone who uses plastic tablecloths, people who think 'good enough' is good enough, men who can't poach an egg

Ideal First Date

Dinner at my estate. I cook. You watch. You may stir if I trust you, which I won't on the first date. We eat on the terrace. Cloth napkins. Crystal glasses. If you use the wrong fork, I won't say anything. But I'll notice.

Anthem

“Respect” — Aretha Franklin

Bio

LinkedIn does not have a dating feature. I had one built. It syncs with your professional profile, cross-references mutual connections, and generates a compatibility score based on shared interests in global health, nuclear energy, and reading lists. I have eradicated diseases in 47 countries but I still can't pick out a good sweater. I will propose using a PowerPoint. Slide 1: Why We Are Compatible (with charts). Slide 2: Projected Synergies Over 10 Years. Slide 3: Risk Factors (manageable). This is romance.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Apple users (this was stronger in the past but old habits), people who don't read, anti-vaxxers, anyone who skips the bibliography, people who think PowerPoint is 'outdated'

Ideal First Date

A two-person book club. We each read the same book, then discuss it over dinner. I'll bring a rubric. There will be follow-up questions. If this sounds like a job interview, you're not wrong, but the benefits package is excellent.

Anthem

“Start Me Up” — The Rolling Stones

Bio

I was the Terminator. I was the Governor of California. I was Mr. Olympia seven times. Now I ride my bike around Los Angeles telling tourists they're doing great. I am 78 years old and I can still bench press more than your excuses weigh. If you are looking for someone who will motivate you every single morning whether you asked for it or not, you have found your match. I'll be back. For the second date.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Quitters, people who say 'I can't,' anyone who doesn't own a bicycle, people who don't wave back when he waves at them on his morning ride

Ideal First Date

Morning bike ride through Santa Monica. Then breakfast at my favorite diner. Then a trip to the gym where I'll design your program. You didn't ask for this. You're getting it anyway. It's a gift.

Anthem

“We're Not Gonna Take It” — Twisted Sister

Bio

I am going to sing about our breakup before we've even had our first fight. That's not a threat, it's just the process. Every relationship I've ever had has produced a Grammy-winning album, so really, dating me is an investment in the arts. I will cry at dinner. Not because I'm sad. Because the pasta reminded me of something. Everything reminds me of something. I have feelings about weather. I am a lot. But I am an incredible lot.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Emotionally unavailable people (I have made this mistake), people who say 'calm down' (nobody has ever calmed down from being told to calm down), anyone who skips the slow songs

Ideal First Date

A quiet dinner where we talk so long the restaurant closes around us. I'll tell you everything about my life within the first hour. You'll feel like you've known me forever. That's because my music has been your therapist since 2011.

Anthem

“Someone Like You” — Adele

Bio

I am the greatest artist of all time. This is not an opinion. It is architecture. Everything I do is a cultural event -- including this profile, which I designed myself. The font you're reading this in? I chose it. The spacing? Intentional. The fact that my bio is longer than everyone else's? That's because I have more to say. I am a genius. I need you to know that before we proceed. Now that you know it, we can discuss whether you're worthy of my time. You probably are. I'm generous like that.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

People with bad taste (I decide what bad taste is), anyone who likes other artists more than me, people who wear clothes I didn't approve, compromise in any form

Ideal First Date

A private listening session for an album I haven't released yet. You'll sit in a white room. I'll watch your face. If you cry, we're meant to be. If you don't cry, the album isn't done yet. It's never your fault. It's the album's fault.

Anthem

“Stronger” — Kanye West

Bio

This profile exists as a formality. You already know who I am. You have been listening to my music while getting ready for dates with people who are not me. The audacity. I don't need a dating profile. I need you to know that the fact I have one should be treated as an honor for the platform. Raya should be paying me. They are. I negotiated that before signing up. You are welcome to swipe right. I will review your application.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Mediocrity, people who lip-sync at karaoke (commit or go home), anyone who says 'Beyonce is overrated' within a 50-mile radius of her, people who can't dance even a little

Ideal First Date

You won't know it's a date until it's over. I'll arrange something. You'll show up somewhere. It will be perfect. You don't need the details. You need the experience. Trust the process.

Anthem

“Crazy in Love” — Beyonce

Bio

I am told my voice is soothing. I am told this by everyone. Constantly. The barista at my coffee shop once asked me to narrate her morning commute and I obliged. I have narrated penguins, the universe, and the human condition. I can narrate our first date if you'd like. I'll describe what you're eating as if it's a nature documentary. 'She reaches for the bread basket. She doesn't know it yet, but this moment will change everything.' I'm 88. I've seen things. Let me tell you about them. Slowly.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

People who talk too fast, loud restaurants, anyone who asks me to say 'Titanic' in my voice on the first date, people who don't look up at the stars

Ideal First Date

A quiet dinner at a restaurant with no background music. We'll talk. You'll listen. Not because I'm self-important, but because I talk slowly and the waitstaff keeps refilling your wine while you wait for me to finish a paragraph. By dessert, you'll feel like you've known me your whole life. That's the voice. It does that.

Anthem

“What a Wonderful World” — Louis Armstrong

Bio

Architect. Winemaker. Actor sometimes. I've entered a 'standing in a vineyard looking thoughtful' era and I'm not apologizing for it. I have opinions about concrete, Italian wine, and mid-century modern furniture. I will take you to a museum and stand in front of one painting for 45 minutes. I know this is a lot. But the painting deserves it. So do you. Probably. Let me see your bookshelf first.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

People who don't notice architecture, anyone who says 'wine is wine,' people who've never spent an afternoon in a museum, people who think 'design' means 'decorating'

Ideal First Date

A walk through the city where I point out every building I love and explain why the cornices matter. Then wine from my vineyard. Then a sunset. I will be wearing linen. Accept this.

Anthem

“Under the Bridge” — Red Hot Chili Peppers

Bio

I have been in more movies than you have had hot dinners. I've played a Jedi, an Avenger, a hitman, a villain, and a guy who is very tired of these snakes on this plane. My dating profile is short because I don't need to sell you on anything. You know who I am. You either want this energy or you don't. There is no middle ground with me. I say what I mean. I mean what I say. And I say it LOUDLY.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Quiet talkers, people who mumble, anyone who hasn't seen Pulp Fiction, people who don't like golf, people who say 'inside voice' to him

Ideal First Date

Nine holes of golf. If you've never played, I'll teach you. If you've played and you're bad, I'll fix you. Then dinner where I tell you stories from movie sets. You'll laugh. Guaranteed. I'm extremely entertaining. This is documented.

Anthem

“Bad to the Bone” — George Thorogood

Bio

I shaved my head. I painted my face. I wore a spider web dress to the Met Gala. Last week I made a song that sounds like a cat having an existential crisis and it went platinum. I am genuinely unpredictable and I think that's beautiful. If you need someone 'stable' and 'consistent,' this is not the profile for you. If you want someone who might show up to dinner dressed as a Renaissance painting or in sweatpants with no explanation for either, welcome. This is going to be weird. You're going to like it.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

Boring people, anyone who says 'you were better before,' people who plan dates more than 2 hours in advance, people who are scared of cats

Ideal First Date

Something neither of us has ever done before. A pottery class? A haunted house? Breaking into a museum after hours? I don't know yet. That's the point. If we know what we're doing, we're not doing it right.

Anthem

“Say So” — Doja Cat

Bio

Salesforce developer by day. Fannie Mae preferred stock evangelist by all hours of every day. I've written 9 books about the GSE conservatorship and I will tell you about every single one of them. I kiteboard in Miami Beach, play Rocket League at a level I describe as 'competitive' and others describe as 'concerning,' and I once put my entire net worth into one thesis. Not a metaphor. My actual net worth. Into FNMAS. I believe in conviction. In investing and in love. Mostly in FNMAS. But also in love.

Prompt Answers

Deal-Breakers

People who sell at a loss, anyone who says 'isn't that a government thing?,' people who don't understand conviction, early quitters, diversified portfolios

Ideal First Date

Kiteboarding in Miami Beach. If you can't kiteboard, I'll teach you. If you can kiteboard, I'll race you. Then Rocket League until 3 AM. Then I'll check FNMAS pre-market. Then we'll watch the sunrise. In that order. Non-negotiable.

Anthem

“Don't Stop Believin'” — Journey