CELEBRITY
UBER RATINGS

Sat quietly. Said please and thank you 47 times. Tried to help load his own luggage. The car smelled better AFTER he left. Offered to let another passenger take the ride because they 'probably needed it more.'

“I would drive this man to Mars for free.”

Sat in the back. Spoke in complete paragraphs. Every sentence made my Honda Accord feel like a luxury vehicle. Described the sunset through the windshield so beautifully that I pulled over to appreciate it. Other drivers honked. He narrated that too.

“I would pay HIM to ride in my car. My Uber rating went up just from having him in the vehicle.”

Had to push the seat back so far it was technically in the trunk. Smelled like a tropical gym. Very polite. Called me 'brother' 14 times. Showed me his cheat day meal on Instagram. It was 47 pancakes. Raised one eyebrow at a traffic light and three cars yielded.

“Absolutely, but my car needs physical therapy first.”

Buckled his seatbelt before I even started the car. Complimented my air freshener. Made small talk about typewriters for eight minutes. Left a handwritten thank-you note on the seat. The note is now framed in my apartment.

“Tom Hanks can ride in my car until the sun explodes.”

Brought homemade cookies for the driver. Tipped 400%. Asked about my family by name somehow. She knew my mother's birthday? I don't know how. Left a signed Dolly CD on the seat. My Uber car is now a shrine.

“If Dolly Parton requests my car I am canceling whatever I'm doing forever.”

Insisted on sitting in the front. Told me about Scientology for 23 minutes. Ran alongside the car for the last mile because 'it's faster.' Arrived before I did. His running form was immaculate. He did his own exit from the vehicle.

“Yes but I'm locking the doors.”

Road raged on my behalf with Shakespearean intensity. Called three separate drivers 'motherf***ers' but in distinctly different tones. Critiqued my route selection with the passion of a Tarantino script reading. Left a generous tip and a very firm handshake.

“He's my emotional support passenger. I need him for the I-405.”

Walked to the car like the car owed him money. Sat down like he was claiming the backseat as sovereign territory. When I asked 'good afternoon, sir,' he just nodded once. That nod contained more authority than my manager has displayed in six years. Tipped exactly 20%. Not a penny more. Not a penny less. Precise.

“Yes, but I will be wearing my best shirt.”

Called three friends during the ride to recommend my Uber. By the time we arrived, I had 12 new ride requests. She tried to give me a car. I told her I already have a car. She said 'not like THIS one.' She was right. It was a Bentley. She ordered it from her phone while I was driving.

“I don't think I have a choice. She's already booked me for next Tuesday and bought my car's naming rights.”

Broke the fourth wall twice. Looked directly at a pedestrian and said something about 'the audience at home.' Pitched three business ideas during the ride. One was actually good. Left a tip and a handwritten ad for his new movie. The tip WAS the ad.

“Yes, but I'm hiding my credit card.”

Called the aux cord 'primitive' but used it anyway. Played AC/DC. Started doing air guitar at a stoplight. The car next to us started filming. He waved at them like he was expecting it. He was.

“Yes, I just need to update my car's security system first.”

Asked to 'set the mood.' I assumed he meant music. He did not mean music. Hotboxed the entire vehicle in under four minutes. Narrated the traffic in the most relaxed voice imaginable. Called a fender bender 'beautiful, cuz.' Tipped in cash and something I can't deposit at a bank.

“Yes but only with all four windows down and a HEPA filter.”

Had a full burrito when he entered. Transitioned to trail mix at the first red light. Produced a bag of pretzels from nowhere at mile two. Was eating a sandwich by the highway exit. Left crumbs in places I didn't know my car had. The crumbs have established a colony.

“Only if he signs a food waiver.”

Redecorated the backseat with a throw pillow she pulled from her bag. Critiqued my air freshener brand. Suggested a 'more elevated scent profile.' Adjusted my rearview mirror for 'better feng shui.' The car drives different now. Better. I think she improved my car.

“Yes, my car has never looked better, and I'm terrified of what she'd say if I let standards slip.”

Took his shoes off immediately. Reclined the seat to full horizontal. Said 'alright alright alright' at three consecutive green lights. Asked me my philosophy on sunsets. I told him I didn't have one. He said 'you do now.' Tipped well. Left barefoot.

“Yes, but I need to emotionally prepare. That man rearranged my priorities.”

Kept referencing movies I haven't seen. Called my engine 'weak' but in an encouraging way. Tried to give me workout advice at every red light. Flexed at a pedestrian who stared too long. Said 'hasta la vista' to a cyclist. The cyclist waved.

“Yes but I need to watch every Schwarzenegger movie first so I understand the references.”

Spoke in fragments separated by pauses long enough to park a car in. 'The traffic is... fascinating, isn't it? The way these... metal boxes... negotiate space. It's very... Darwinian.' Made the sound 'uhhhh' approximately 300 times. Each one was somehow different. Unbuttoned his shirt one button at every mile marker.

“Yes, but I'm setting a time limit. That man turns a five-minute drive into a David Attenborough special.”

Inspected the car before entering like a health inspector at a gas station sushi bar. Ran a finger along the dashboard. Held it up to the light. Sighed. Said 'right then' in a way that made me want to cry. Gave unsolicited feedback on my driving: 'This is the WORST right turn I have EVER seen. My GRANDMOTHER turns better and she's been DEAD for TWELVE YEARS.'

“Only after I detail the car, wax the exterior, and sacrifice a lamb to the cleaning gods. He'll know if I didn't.”

Eco-shamed me for 11 minutes straight. Pointed at my dashboard and said 'do you know what that fuel gauge represents? Planetary death.' Asked if my car was electric. It is not. He looked at me the way a disappointed parent looks at a report card. Pulled out a reusable straw and drank from a glass bottle of water. Left the bottle. It wasn't recyclable.

“Only if I buy a Tesla first, and even then he'd probably complain about the lithium mining.”

Gave directions exclusively in food metaphors. 'Take a left at the taqueria. No, the GOOD taqueria. The one that looks like it might give you food poisoning but won't.' Frosted tips were visible from three blocks away. Tried to convince me to rename my car 'the Flavor Mobile.' Called my dashboard 'out of bounds.' Asked if I'd ever been to Flavortown. I said no. He said 'you're there now, brother.' I still don't know what that means.

“Yes, but only if I haven't eaten. The man is a GPS to good food. Terrible for efficiency. Perfect for lunch.”

Spoke in a cadence that made simple sentences feel like threats. 'I would like... to go... to Seventh... and Broadway. If that's... not too much... TROUBLE.' Made eye contact in the rearview mirror for 45 unbroken seconds. I missed my exit. He didn't blink. I don't think he CAN blink. Left by saying 'I'll be... seeing you' and I still can't tell if it was friendly or ominous.

“Maybe. I need to emotionally process the eye contact first.”

Laughed four times during the ride. Each laugh was louder and more unhinged than the last. By the fourth laugh, I thought I was in a Bond villain's car. He spent the whole ride on his phone. I'm pretty sure he acquired something. I don't know what. But the stock market moved. He looked at my car and said 'interesting logistics model' in a way that made me think he was about to buy Uber. He tipped 0%. Then sent a drone to my house the next day with a $50 gift card.

“He now owns Uber so I think he's technically my boss.”

Pulled out a McDonald's bag the moment he sat down. Ate an Egg McMuffin with the intensity of a man closing a deal. Told me my car was 'a reasonable capital allocation if the depreciation schedule holds.' Drank a Cherry Coke he brought from home. Gave financial advice that would cost $10,000 from anyone else. Tipped $3.17. He said it was 'a bull market tip day.'

“Yes, I'm now up 14% on an index fund he mentioned between bites of hash brown.”

Recorded everything. I don't know with what device, but I know he was recording. I FELT it. When I asked if he was filming, he said 'your data helps improve the rider experience.' Wore a gray t-shirt that costs either $8 or $800. Drank water like someone described water to him over the phone. Smiled once. It was the wrong amount of smile.

“Only if I cover the interior cameras. All of them. Especially the ones I can't see.”

Alternated between inaudible mumbling and volume levels that should require a permit. Asked for the address in a whisper. Confirmed it in a shout. Told a story about a restaurant he likes — started calm, ended with him standing up in the backseat gesturing at the ceiling. The seatbelt held. Barely.

“Yes but I'm wearing earplugs and reinforcing the mirror mount.”

Spent the ride on his phone posting about how 'legacy automakers are doomed' while sitting in my Civic. Told me my car's software was 'mid.' Tried to buy the car, then offered to make me a 'contractor for the Boring Company tunnel network.' Tipped in Dogecoin. The Dogecoin is now worth $0.003. He said 'it'll moon.' It did not moon.

“He now owns Uber so I don't have a choice. Also he fired all the other drivers and replaced them with robots that don't work yet.”

Changed accents four times. Was British for the first mile. Southern by the highway on-ramp. Switched to what he called 'Transylvanian method' at the off-ramp. Told me I was driving the car wrong. Then said the car was 'a metaphor.' Tried to buy my car. When I said no, he said 'the car has already decided' in a voice that haunts me. Left a Declaration of Independence replica on the seat.

“Absolutely not but I will never forget him. He is burned into my memory like a fever dream in a Corolla.”

Changed the destination six times. Each time was a different Yeezy pop-up location that no longer exists. Played his own music on full volume without asking. Gave a 15-minute monologue about how seatbelts are 'limiting his creative expression.' Compared my driving to 'a mid album.' Said he was the 'greatest passenger of all time' while giving me two stars.

“I'd rather walk. Everywhere. For the rest of my life.”

Started with maximum Fresh Prince energy. Rapped the theme song unprompted. High-fived me at a stoplight. Then something changed. He stared at the radio with an intensity I've never seen directed at a 2015 Hyundai Elantra. He said 'keep my radio's name out your playlist.' I don't know what that means but I changed the station immediately.

“Yes but I'm pre-screening all audio content.”

Did not use the Uber app. Just appeared in my backseat at a stoplight. I don't know how. He was just THERE. Told me stories that may or may not have been true. Ate French fries from a bag I didn't know was in my car. Said 'see you in the next life' and walked into a hedge. The GPS showed zero miles driven.

“I don't think I have the ability to summon him. He just appears. Like weather.”

Spent three minutes trying to enter the vehicle. Had to remove his shoes to fit. His shoes were the size of surfboards. The car dropped two inches when he sat down. Every pothole felt like an earthquake. He was incredibly polite about the fact that he was slowly destroying my car from the inside. Said 'sorry about your shocks' at every bump. He meant it.

“Only if he brings his own vehicle. Or a flatbed truck.”

Found a French fry under the seat from a previous rider and held it up like evidence at a murder trial. 'WHAT IS THIS? This is STONE COLD. This fry died THREE WEEKS AGO. This is a CRIME SCENE.' Demanded to speak to the Uber manager. There is no Uber manager. He said 'THERE IS NOW' and called someone. I don't know who answered but they were afraid.

“Permanently banned from this vehicle. The fry incident was too much.”

Leaned forward between the front seats and said 'here's Johnny' when I asked for his name. The ride was twelve minutes of him grinning and me trying not to crash. His eyebrows moved independently. Each one was telling a different story. One said 'this is fun.' The other said 'this is dangerous.' Both were correct.

“Not at night. Daytime only. With witnesses.”

Yelled 'DJ KHALED' when entering the car like I didn't know who requested the ride. Held his phone six inches from my face to Snapchat the 'moment.' What moment? We were in a Prius. Played his own music at maximum volume and pointed at me when the beat dropped. I was merging onto a highway. He yelled 'MAJOR KEY' at a stop sign. The stop sign did not respond.

“I would rather Uber myself into the ocean.”

Refused to wear a seatbelt because 'family is all the safety I need.' Stared dramatically out the window at every intersection like he was in a music video. Told me about the Fast and Furious franchise for the entire ride. He's been in all of them. He told me about all of them. Each one was 'about family.' When we arrived, he didn't get out. He just looked at me and said 'this isn't goodbye. Family doesn't say goodbye.' He's been sitting in my backseat for three hours. I can't get him to leave.

“He hasn't left yet, so the question is moot.”