A Galaxy of Bad Decisions

Star Wars Characters
Write Things They Shouldn't

What if Star Wars characters had internet access? Darth Vader writes Yelp reviews. Obi-Wan sends passive-aggressive emails. Palpatine updates his LinkedIn. C-3PO leaves one-star Amazon reviews on everything. Eleven pages of characters using modern technology they absolutely should not have.

Characters Writing

LinkedIn Emperor

HR Complaints

Emails Answered

The Archives

All 11 Pages

Each character got internet access for one day. These are the results.

Darth Vader's Yelp Reviews

One star for the Death Star cafeteria. Two stars for Cloud City — decent view, terrible hospitality. Zero stars for Mustafar — would not recommend the lava.

Yoda's Life Coach Blog

"Do or do not. There is no try." "Judge me by my size, do you?" Backwards motivational advice that is accidentally the best self-help content on the internet.

Obi-Wan's Passive-Aggressive Emails to Anakin

"Per my last message, I did have the high ground. Please see the attached diagram. Regards, Obi-Wan." Professional courtesy masking galactic disappointment.

Han Solo's Dating Profile

"I shot first. Ship owner. Fluent in Wookiee. Looking for: someone with a good blaster at their side. Dealbreaker: carbonite freezing on the first date."

Palpatine's LinkedIn Profile

Senator → Chancellor → Emperor → Dead → Somehow Returned. Skills: Unlimited Power, Senate Manipulation, Lightning. 500+ connections (all clones).

Stormtrooper TK-421's HR Complaints

"Helmet doesn't fit. Blaster has no iron sights. Someone keeps stealing my post. The dental plan is a lie. I've filed 47 complaints and received zero responses."

Chewbacca's Therapy Transcripts

Session 1: "RRRAAAGGGHHH." [Translation: I feel unseen. My contributions are dismissed. The medal ceremony was particularly hurtful.] Surprisingly deep.

C-3PO's One-Star Amazon Reviews

He reviews everything. Every product is a death trap. The probability of satisfaction is approximately 3,720 to 1. He writes 2,000-word reviews for a USB cable.

Boba Fett's Contractor Invoices

Line item: Carbonite freezing surcharge. Line item: Jetpack fuel (4 gallons). Line item: Sarlacc pit hazard pay. Line item: Dry cleaning — cape (blood stain removal).

Jar Jar's Motivational TED Talk

"Meesa was banished. Meesa was clumsy. Meesa accidentally became a General, then a Senator, then gave emergency powers to a dictator. But meesa never gave up." Standing ovation.

Leia's Unsent Texts to Han

"I know you saw my message." "The Falcon is leaking again." "I love you." [deleted] "I know." [deleted] "Pick up milk." Funny, sweet, occasionally furious.

“

I find your lack of a five-star rating... disturbing.
DV
Darth Vader
Yelp Elite '77, '80, '83

Get Glen’s Updates

Investing insights, new tools, and whatever I’m building this week. Free. No spam.

Unsubscribe anytime. I respect your inbox more than Congress respects property rights.

Join the Community

Weekly deep-dive analysis, real-time position updates, and direct access to Glen Bradford. $20/month.

Learn more

Vader gave this page 1 star. Prove him wrong.

Share on X Share on Reddit

Star Wars Characters
Write Things They Shouldn't

All 11 Pages

Darth Vader's Yelp Reviews

Yoda's Life Coach Blog

Obi-Wan's Passive-Aggressive Emails to Anakin

Han Solo's Dating Profile

Palpatine's LinkedIn Profile

Stormtrooper TK-421's HR Complaints

Chewbacca's Therapy Transcripts

C-3PO's One-Star Amazon Reviews

Boba Fett's Contractor Invoices

Jar Jar's Motivational TED Talk

Leia's Unsent Texts to Han

Get Glen’s Updates

Join the Community

More Comedy

Darth Vader's Resume

Character Resumes

Billionaire Yelp Responses

Billionaire Tinder Profiles

Star Wars CharactersWrite Things They Shouldn't

All 11 Pages

Darth Vader's Yelp Reviews

Yoda's Life Coach Blog

Obi-Wan's Passive-Aggressive Emails to Anakin

Han Solo's Dating Profile

Palpatine's LinkedIn Profile

Stormtrooper TK-421's HR Complaints

Chewbacca's Therapy Transcripts

C-3PO's One-Star Amazon Reviews

Boba Fett's Contractor Invoices

Jar Jar's Motivational TED Talk

Leia's Unsent Texts to Han

Get Glen’s Updates

Join the Community

More Comedy

Darth Vader's Resume

Character Resumes

Billionaire Yelp Responses

Billionaire Tinder Profiles

Star Wars Characters
Write Things They Shouldn't