Leia's Unsent
Texts to Han

Stop calling me ‘Your Worship.’

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I hate you.

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I walked into that one.

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He’s smiling. I can HEAR him smiling through text.

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The south passage heating unit is broken again. Can you fix it or are you too busy ‘leaving’?

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Please don’t leave.

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Fine.

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We are two of the most articulate people in the Rebellion and our entire relationship is the word ‘fine.’

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So.

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Are you still leaving?

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I don’t want you to leave.

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The hyperdrive on the Falcon is still broken.

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Your ship is broken and you’re still the best pilot in the galaxy. That’s infuriating.

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That was almost a compliment. Glad I didn’t send it.

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They’re going to freeze you.

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I have to say something. I have to tell you.

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I’ve been deleting texts to you for months because I was too proud to say what I felt and now you’re about to be frozen in carbonite and I’m running out of time

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You absolute scoundrel.

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You couldn’t just say it back?

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‘I know.’ Of course that’s what you said. Of COURSE.

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I’m going to rescue you. And when I do, you’re going to say it. The actual words. Even if I have to hold a blaster to your head.

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Which I might do anyway, because ‘I know’? Really?

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Day 1. You can’t read this. I’m sending it anyway.

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Day 14. Lando feels terrible. Good. He should.

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Day 30. Luke lost a hand. Vader is his father. This week has been a lot.

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Day 45. I keep reaching for my comm to text you something stupid and then remembering.

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Day 60. Chewie won’t stop making that sound. You know the one. The low, sad one that he makes when the dejarik game isn’t going well. Except now he makes it all the time.

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Day 100. We have a plan. Luke is building a new lightsaber. Lando has infiltrated Jabba’s palace. I’m going to rescue you.

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Day 101. I’m learning Ubese so I can disguise myself as a bounty hunter. For you. I am learning an entire language for you. You better appreciate this.

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Day 101, later. You won’t appreciate this. You’ll say something like ‘Hey sweetheart, miss me?’ and I’ll want to freeze you again.

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Day 150. I’m coming. Hold on. Please hold on.

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I know you can’t hold on because you’re literally frozen solid but it’s the thought that counts.

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I know. It’s hibernation sickness. It’ll pass. You’re safe. I’m here.

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Someone who loves you.

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I literally learned a language, built a disguise, infiltrated a crime lord’s palace, and kissed a frozen slab of carbonite to rescue you, and we STILL got captured.

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This relationship is exhausting.

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I love it.

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I love you.

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I’m still not sending that.

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The Emperor is dead. Vader is dead. The war is over.

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So... are we doing this? Us? For real?

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Pick up milk.

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Then pick up whatever the Ewoks drink.

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He called me Leia. Not ‘princess.’ Not ‘Your Worship.’ Leia. That might be the most intimate thing he’s ever said to me.

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We’re going to be okay.

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Dangerous.

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‘Or whatever.’ He said ‘or whatever.’ This man proposed to me with the words ‘or whatever.’

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I am a former princess. A senator. A general. A leader of the Rebellion. And I’m being proposed to via text with the phrase ‘or whatever.’

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I’m going to say yes.

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Was that a proposal?

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He’s impossible.

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Yes.

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Yeah.

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We just got engaged with three words and none of them were ‘I love you.’ This is the most us thing that has ever happened.

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The Falcon is leaking hydraulic fluid on the driveway again.

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You said that last week.

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I miss you when you’re gone.

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Come home.

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The house is too quiet without you. Even when you’re here it’s too quiet because you’re always in the garage working on that stupid ship.

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It’s not the ship I miss. It’s the sound of you swearing at the ship.

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The Falcon is STILL leaking.

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I married a man who thinks his ship has feelings. And I love him. And I’m still not telling him that in a text because I have SOME dignity left.

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BEN SAID HIS FIRST WORD

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...‘Chewie.’

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His first word wasn’t ‘mama’ or ‘dada.’ It was the name of a Wookiee. This child is absolutely your son.

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He also tried to grab my blaster.

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I’m terrified.

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Not because of the blaster thing. Because I can feel something in him. Through the Force. Something bright. But also something else. Something I don’t have a word for yet.

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I’m probably imagining it.

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I’m not imagining it.

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Come home soon. He misses you.

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We both miss you.

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When did we stop talking?

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Not about Ben. Not about the Senate. Not about the Falcon. When did we stop talking about US?

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You’re out there racing and smuggling and doing whatever it is you do when you need to feel alive, and I’m here running a government and raising a son who is becoming someone I don’t recognize.

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I used to be the one who made you feel alive.

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Ben’s parent-teacher conference is Thursday. Can you make it?

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‘I’ll try.’ Do or do not, Han. Your son’s teacher says he’s ‘intense.’ That’s code for something. I need you HERE.

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Try harder.

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We’re sending our son to Luke.

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We’re sending our son away because we don’t know how to help him and we’re too afraid to admit we don’t know how to help each other.

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My father was Darth Vader. I carry that darkness. And now I’m looking at my son and seeing shadows that might be mine.

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Is it my fault? Did I pass it to him?

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I can’t say this to you because you’ll say ‘He’ll be fine’ and I need more than that.

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I need you to be scared with me.

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Are you awake?

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I know you’re awake. I can feel it through the Force. You’re lying next to me pretending to be asleep and I’m texting you from six inches away because we can’t say these things out loud anymore.

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When did we become this?

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This is your fault.

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This is my fault.

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This is Luke’s fault.

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This is Snoke’s fault.

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This is nobody’s fault.

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This is everybody’s fault.

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I still love you.

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I can’t look at you right now because your face is his face and his face is the face of someone who

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Where are you?

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Yes. It matters. It always mattered. You leaving was never the answer and it’s not the answer now.

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Please come home.

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There is no home. The home was the three of us and now there’s two and we can’t even be in the same room.

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He’s still in there, Han. I can feel it.

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You said ‘I know.’ You said it again. The same words. From the carbon-freezing chamber. From a lifetime ago. When ‘I know’ meant ‘I love you too.’

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Does it still mean that?

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Please let it still mean that.

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It’s been two years since we talked.

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I built a Resistance. You went back to smuggling. We both did the only thing we know how to do.

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Someone asked me today if I was married. I said yes. Then I thought about it and wondered if that was still true.

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We never divorced. We just... stopped. Like a ship that runs out of fuel. No explosion. No crash. Just drift.

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Chewie sends me updates sometimes. He says you’re okay. He says you’re flying. He says you talk about me when you’ve been drinking.

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I talk about you when I haven’t been drinking. Which is worse.

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I almost sent you a message on our anniversary. Then I realized I wasn’t sure which date was our anniversary. The wedding? The day you said ‘or whatever’? The kiss on the Falcon? The carbon freezing? We have too many dates and none of them feel like the right one.

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All of them feel like the right one.

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There’s a new weapon. Bigger than the Death Star. They’re calling it Starkiller Base.

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Our son is there. I can feel him.

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Han.

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I know you’re out there somewhere. And I know what you’re going to do when you hear about this. You’re going to try to bring him home.

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Because that’s who you are. You’re the man who flew into a Death Star trench to save Luke. You’re the man who flew back to Hoth to save me. You always come back.

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Even when you shouldn’t.

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Especially when you shouldn’t.

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I should have said more. I should have said everything. Every unsent text. Every deleted message. Every word I swallowed for thirty years.

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But I said ‘bring him home’ because I thought there would be time.

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There is never enough time.

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I felt it. Through the Force. The moment it happened.

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Our son killed his father. And I felt both of them. I felt Han’s surprise. Not fear. Surprise. And sadness. And beneath the sadness, love. Even then. Even at the end. He loved Ben.

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And I felt Ben’s...

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I can’t finish that sentence.

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You said ‘I know’ on Bespin. You said it when I told you I loved you and you were about to be frozen and you might never come back. And I was furious. Two words. That’s all I got. Two words.

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But now I understand.

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You didn’t need to say ‘I love you.’ You spent thirty years showing it. You came back every time. You held our son when he was small. You argued with me because you cared enough to fight. You flew halfway across the galaxy at the first sign of trouble. You walked onto that bridge, unarmed, because you loved a boy who used to call you Dad.

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‘I know’ wasn’t a deflection. It was a promise. You knew. You always knew. And you wanted me to know that you knew.

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It took me thirty years to understand two words.

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I know.

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