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Swipe Right If You Dare

Han Solo's
Dating Profile

The galaxy's most eligible smuggler made a dating profile. Ship owner. Fluent in Wookiee. Looking for someone with a good blaster at their side. Dealbreaker: carbonite freezing on the first date. See his full profile and 10 message exchanges with matches who never stood a chance.

10
Matches
1
Actual Date
3
Bounty Hunters
12
Parsecs (Kessel)

GalaxyMingle.holonet

The Profile

"Never tell me the odds" — including the odds of finding love on this app

HS

Han Solo, 32

Corellia • 12 parsecs away • Active now (probably fleeing something)

Name:Han Solo
Age:32 (give or take a carbonite nap)
Location:Wherever the Falcon is parked. Currently: Mos Eisley. Previously: running from something.
Occupation:Independent freight consultant. (Do NOT look into this. It is legitimate. Mostly.)
Height:6'1" — tall enough to swagger, short enough to fit in a smuggling compartment
Languages:Basic, Huttese, Shyriiwook (Wookiee), Sarcasm

Photos (descriptions)

1

Me leaning against the Falcon looking effortlessly cool. The Falcon is also looking effortlessly cool. We are both very attractive.

2

Me and my co-pilot Chewie. No, he is not available. Stop asking. He's not on the app. He doesn't have thumbs for swiping. Mostly.

3

Action shot of me shooting first. Context is irrelevant. What matters is I did it first.

4

Me at the Mos Eisley Cantina. Yes, I know it looks like a dive bar. It IS a dive bar. I make it look good.

5

The Falcon doing the Kessel Run. She did it in less than 12 parsecs. No, I will not explain the physics. Swipe right and maybe I'll show you the cockpit.

6

Me looking brooding and handsome in carbonite. This was not voluntary. It's still a good photo.

Dating App Prompts

The way to my heart is...

Through my stomach. Or by complimenting my ship. Tell me she's the fastest in the galaxy and I'll buy you dinner. Tell me she's a "piece of junk" and I will leave immediately. I have done this before. I will do it again.

My love language is...

Acts of service. Specifically, someone covering me in a blaster fight. Nothing says "I care about you" like providing suppressive fire while I hotwire a speeder bike. Words of affirmation are nice too. "I love you." "I know." That kind of thing.

Dealbreakers...

Carbonite freezing on the first date. Turning me over to a bounty hunter. Being a bounty hunter. Having a "complicated relationship" with a Sith Lord. Referring to the Falcon as "it" instead of "she." Pineapple on pizza. (The Falcon thing is the real dealbreaker. The pizza thing I can negotiate.)

I'm looking for...

Someone who can keep up. I move fast — not in a relationship way, in a "there are people trying to kill me" way. Ideally you own your own blaster. Ideally you know how to use it. Ideally you do not work for Jabba the Hutt. The bar is on the floor and yet so few people clear it.

A fun fact about me...

I once made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. Yes, a parsec is a unit of distance, not time. I know that. The shortcut was through a cluster of black holes. This is not a metaphor. I literally flew through space anomalies to deliver spice faster. This is either the most impressive thing you've ever heard or a red flag. Probably both.

My biggest green flag...

I always come back. Always. Frozen in carbonite? Came back. Left the Rebellion? Came back. Told everyone I was in it for the money? Came back for free. I am constitutionally incapable of staying gone. This is either romantic or a sign of poor planning. You decide.

Message Exchanges

The Matches

10 conversations. 1 actual connection. 3 threats on his life. Standard dating app experience.

Princess Leia Organa

Senator • Rebel Leader • 2 parsecs away

You have a lot of nerve showing up on this app.
Nerve is kind of my thing, Your Worship.
Your bio says "independent freight consultant." That's a creative way to spell "smuggler."
And "Rebel Leader" is a creative way to spell "wanted fugitive." We match.
I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brain.
Laugh it up, fuzzball. Wait, wrong person. Force of habit.
You're impossible.
You like me BECAUSE I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in your life.
I happen to like nice men.
I'm a nice man.
...I'll send you my location. Don't be late. And don't bring the Wookiee.
Chewie's feelings are hurt but we'll be there in 12 parsecs.

Qi'ra

It's Complicated • Crimson Dawn • Corellia

Han?
Qi'ra.
It's been a while.
Yeah. Since you left me on that yacht with a crime lord's corpse.
That's a dramatic oversimplification.
Is it though?
I had my reasons.
Cool. Putting that on our couples therapist's to-do list. Oh wait, we're not a couple, because you chose a CRIME SYNDICATE.
You're still funny.
And you're still on a different app. This is a dating app. Not a "let's reconnect and then betray each other" app. We're not doing this again.

Boba Fett

Bounty Hunter • Slave I • 0.5 parsecs away (concerning)

Solo.
...Is this a dating app or a bounty board? Genuinely asking.
Jabba sends his regards.
That's not how this works. You're supposed to say something about yourself. Your hobbies. Your interests.
My hobby is finding you. My interest is the 500,000 credit bounty on your head.
Unmatching now.
That won't stop me.
I know. Nothing stops you. That's what makes you terrible at dating and excellent at ruining my week. Goodbye, Fett.

Kira from Corellia

Shipyard Engineer • Corellia • 4 parsecs away

Hey! Nice profile. It says you own a ship?
Own a ship? I own THE ship. The Millennium Falcon. Fastest ship in the galaxy.
Oh wow! Is it nice? Like, what model?
She's a modified YT-1300 Corellian light freighter. Custom hyperdrive. Quad laser cannons. Secret compartments.
Wait — "she"?
Yes. She. The Falcon is a she. This is non-negotiable.
You refer to your ship with a pronoun?
I refer to my ship with RESPECT. She has saved my life 47 times. She has never let me down. Well, the hyperdrive lets me down constantly, but that's part of her charm.
This feels like a relationship I'd be third-wheeling in.
Fourth-wheeling. Chewie is second.

Mon Mothma

Chancellor • Rebel Alliance HQ • Classified

Captain Solo. I believe there's been a misunderstanding.
You swiped right on me, Chancellor.
I swiped right for the Rebellion, Captain. Not for romance. We need experienced pilots, and recruitment has been... challenging.
So this is a job interview disguised as a dating app match.
I prefer the term "creative talent acquisition."
Does the Rebellion offer dental? Chewie's been asking.
We offer the satisfaction of fighting for galactic freedom.
So no dental.
No dental.

Jabba the Hutt

Crime Lord • Palace, Tatooine • 1 parsec away (too close)

SOLO. HAN MA BUKI.
Jabba. This is a DATING app.
You still owe me money.
I know. I'm working on it. I told you I was going to have the money. I just got a little sidetracked.
Sidetracked for three years.
Well, you know how it is. One minute you're delivering spice, the next minute you're frozen in carbonite hanging on someone's wall like a decorative sconce.
You are my favorite wall decoration.
That's the most disturbing thing anyone has ever said to me on this app, and someone's co-pilot once sent me a shirtless photo.
Pay me. Or I will find you.
You know what, Jabba? You're the reason I have trust issues. Unmatching. Blocking. Moving to a different star system.

Lando Calrissian

Entrepreneur • Cloud City • 7 parsecs away

Well, well, well. Han Solo. On a dating app. I never thought I'd see the day.
Lando. Don't.
Your profile photo is you leaning on MY ship.
She's MY ship. I won her fair and square.
That sabacc game was NOT fair and square and you know it.
We're not doing this here. This is a dating app, not a property dispute forum.
Fine. But your bio says "ship owner" and I want it on record that I dispute that characterization.
Noted. Ignored. Moving on. Why did you even match with me?
Honestly? I was swiping too fast and my cape got caught on the screen.
Classic Lando. All cape, no substance.
This cape is worth more than your ship.
NOTHING is worth more than my ship.

Maz Kanata

Pirate Queen • Takodana • 12 parsecs away

Han Solo! I have been waiting for you for over a thousand years.
That's... a LOT of pressure for a first date, Maz.
Not a first date. I've known you since you were a boy.
That makes it weirder, not better.
I see your eyes. You are searching for something.
Yeah, a normal conversation. Is that available on this app?
The belonging you seek is not behind you. It is ahead.
Did you just quote your own fortune cookie at me?
I have a castle full of artifacts, a cantina with the best drinks in the Outer Rim, and I've outlived every man who's ever disappointed me.
Okay, that's actually a very strong dating profile. Respect.

Greedo's Ghost

Deceased • Mos Eisley Cantina • Afterlife

SOLO.
How are you on this app? You're dead.
There's wifi in the afterlife. It's the only perk.
Look, about what happened at the cantina—
You shot first.
I definitely shot first.
Some people say I shot first.
Those people are wrong and they've been wrong since 1997.
I'm not here to relitigate the shooting. I'm here because Jabba told me to haunt you.
Even in death, I can't escape that slug. Unmatching. Rest in peace, Greedo. Sincerely.

A Stormtrooper (TK-421)

Imperial Military • Death Star • 0 parsecs away (uh oh)

Hey there! Love your profile. The ship sounds amazing. What do you do for a living?
Uh. Freight. Independent freight. What do you do?
I'm in security! For the government.
Cool. Cool cool cool. Which government?
The Galactic Empire? I'm stationed on a really big base. Can't say where. Top secret.
Let me guess. It's spherical. It's the size of a moon. It destroys planets.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT? That's classified!
Lucky guess. I should go. I should REALLY go. It was nice chatting. Please do not trace my location.
Wait! We didn't even set up a date! Also my supervisor just asked why I'm not at my post. Where IS my post?
Buddy, I have your armor. Long story. Gotta run. Literally.
“

Look, I ain't in this for your revolution, and I ain't in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well compensated. With, like, a nice dinner or something. Maybe mini golf.

HS
Han Solo

Captain • Smuggler • Hopeless Romantic (in denial)

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