The Celebrity Apology
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"I want to address the recent ̶l̶a̶w̶s̶u̶i̶t̶ misunderstanding. The tweet was intended as satire. Like all my tweets. Even the ones the SEC flagged. Especially those. First, let me say that I was taken out of context by the context itself. I am deeply sorry if the stock price was affected. I am not sorry for being me. I will be taking time to reflect (on Mars). I want to thank my fans, my lawyers, and the mass of Twitter bots that agree with everything I say. Elon out. 🚀"

"I want to address the recent situation with FULL accountability. I am a man of the people and the people deserve better. I woke up at 3:30am to reflect on this. Then I did legs. Then I reflected more. Then I did shoulders. I am DEEPLY sorry. I take FULL responsibility. Here is a video of me working out while being sorry. I am sweating with remorse. Each rep is a lesson learned. I want to thank my beautiful family, my incredible team, and the 380 million people who follow me. I will be taking a break to film three movies simultaneously. The Rock out. Stay hungry, stay humble, stay sorry."

"I want to address the recent data breach. We take your privacy very seriously. [This line is auto-generated.] First, let me say that this is not who we are as a company, despite the 47 previous times this happened. I am working hard to ensure this never happens again, until the next quarterly earnings call requires us to monetize something new. I am deeply sorry. Please continue using our products. We see you're reading this apology on Instagram. Your engagement metrics are appreciated. I will be taking time to reflect inside my $100 million bunker in Hawaii. Zuck out. 👁️"

"I want to address the recent situation. This apology will arrive in 2 business days. Prime members will receive it sooner. First, let me say that at Amazon, we are customer-obsessed, and being sorry is part of the customer experience. I am deeply sorry. I've asked the team to write a 6-page memo on exactly how sorry I am. No PowerPoints. I will be taking time to reflect aboard my $500 million yacht, which has its own yacht. I want to thank my shareholders. This apology is also available as an Audible original. Bezos out. ?"

"I want to address the recent situation AND I DID ALL MY OWN STUNTS FOR THIS APOLOGY. First, let me say that I performed this apology at 25,000 feet while hanging off the side of a plane. NO STUNT DOUBLE. I am deeply sorry. I trained for 18 months to deliver this apology. I held my breath underwater for 6 minutes while writing it. I want to thank the entire crew. I will be taking a break to do something even more dangerous than whatever I'm apologizing for. This apology was filmed in IMAX. Tom out. *runs at full speed into the sunset*"

"I want to NOT address the recent situation. First, let me say that I am NOT sorry. Actually, I'm a genius. The situation was art. You don't understand art. That's YOUR problem. I am the greatest apologizer of all time. This is the greatest apology of all time. I talked to God about it and He agrees with me. I will NOT be taking a break. I will be releasing an album about this. It will be called 'SORRY NOT SORRY' and it will debut at number one. I want to thank me, for having the courage to be me. Ye out. Actually I'm changing my name again."

"I want to address the recent... actually, I wrote a song about it. It's called 'I Knew You Were Trouble When You Quoted Me Out of Context (Taylor's Version).' It's 4 minutes and 37 seconds of me being sorry but also right. First, let me say that the haters are going to hate. I forgive them. The song about forgiving them is on the deluxe album. I will be taking time to reflect, and by reflect I mean re-record this apology so I own the masters. Easter egg: the first letter of each sentence spells 'NOT SORRY.' Tay out. 💕"

"I want to address... *stares into middle distance for 45 seconds* ...the RECENT... *voice drops to a whisper* ...situation. NOT THE BEES. Sorry. Where was I. First, let me say that this is not who I am. Unless you WANT it to be who I am. I can be anyone. I was literally everyone in that one movie. I am DEEPLY, COSMICALLY, EXISTENTIALLY sorry. *suddenly screaming* I WILL STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO PROVE HOW SORRY I AM. I will be taking 9 minutes to deliver the most unhinged, sincere apology in human history. *crying* I mean every word. *laughing* I don't know why I'm laughing. Nic out. *does not leave*"

"I want to address the recent situation, and I'm turning this apology into a two-part special. First, let me say that I sat with this. I journaled about it. I called Gayle. I called Gayle again. We cried together. I am deeply sorry. YOU get an apology! YOU get an apology! EVERYBODY GETS AN APOLOGY! *checks under seats* There's an apology under your chair too. I will be taking time to reflect in my garden in Maui, which is the size of a small country. I want to thank my viewers, my truth, and my SuperSoul Sunday. Oprah out. But first, a word from our sponsors."

"I want to address the recent... *deep breath* ...slap. First, let me say this is not who I am. Except on March 27, 2022, when it was briefly exactly who I was. On live television. In 4K. In front of everyone I've ever respected. I am deeply sorry. I have gone on a spiritual journey. I went to India. I talked to monks. The monks asked me about the slap. I cried on a YouTube video about it. The YouTube video is 28 minutes long. There is no skip button. I will be taking time to reflect and also film Bad Boys 4 because rent is due. Will out. Keep my apology out your mouth. Sorry. That was the last one."

"I want to address the recent situation, which is ALSO somehow a Netflix special. It's called 'Kevin Hart: I'm Sorry (But Also Here's An Hour of Material About It).' First, let me say I've GROWN. I'm a different person now. I grew 2 inches emotionally, which is more than I'll ever grow physically. *audience laughs* See? Growth. I am deeply sorry AND this apology is brought to you by my new movie, my shoe line, and my tequila brand. I will be taking a break that lasts approximately 11 days before my next project drops. Kevin out. *does another Netflix special about this apology*"

"I want to address the recent — oh for FUCK'S SAKE, do I really have to do this? Fine. FINE. First, let me say that the person I insulted had it COMING because their risotto was RAW. IT WAS RAW. I am... *grinds teeth* ...deeply... *physically struggles* ...sorry. There, I said it. Happy? This apology is BLAND. It needs SEASONING. I would send this apology back. I will be taking a break — WHO AM I KIDDING, I have 14 shows to film. I want to thank absolutely nobody because you're all DONKEYS. Ramsay out. IT'S FUCKING RAW."

"I want to address the recent situation, which I have calligraphed onto handmade linen stationery using ink I pressed from berries in my garden. First, let me say that I folded this apology into a decorative swan. It's a Good Thing. I am deeply sorry. I learned a lot about being sorry during my time at — well, let's not discuss that. I will be taking time to reflect while making artisanal jam and building a pergola by hand. I want to thank Snoop, who told me to 'keep it real.' I didn't fully understand but I appreciated the energy. I will be posting a tutorial on how to hand-letter your own apology. Martha out. The apology has been garnished."

"I want to address the recent situation in a 47-part Instagram story. First, let me say *crying filter* this is SO not who I am. Like, literally. My brand is about empowerment and also shapewear. I am deeply sorry. I discussed this with my therapist, my publicist, my lawyer, my other lawyer, and Kris, who said to 'turn it into a storyline.' I will be taking time to reflect and by reflect I mean film this reflection for Season 14. I want to thank my fans, my followers, and whatever algorithm is showing you this. Kim out. Use code SORRY20 for 20% off SKIMS."

"I want to address the recent situation, but first — have you tried Aviation Gin? It's smooth. Like this apology. Which I also own. The apology, not the situation. Though Mint Mobile could save you up to — sorry, where was I. First, let me say this is not who I am. Well, it IS who I am. That's the problem. I'm deeply sorry in a charming, self-deprecating way that makes you forget what I'm apologizing for. Hugh Jackman did it worse. I will be taking time to reflect, and by reflect I mean make this apology into a viral ad. Ryan out. This apology was brought to you by Mint Mobile. *winks*"

"I want to address the recent situation, which my Goop team has determined was caused by a misalignment of my third chakra. First, let me say this is not who I am. Who I am is someone who sells a $75 candle called 'This Smells Like My Apology.' I am deeply sorry. I've been steaming about it. Literally. Vaginal steaming is very restorative. I will be taking time to reflect in a $15,000 wellness retreat where I will eat nothing for 8 days and emerge more sorry than ever. I want to thank my customers who pre-ordered the Apology Jade Egg. Gwyneth out. Namaste."

"I want to address the recent situation and I'm taking my apology to South Beach. No wait, back to Cleveland. No wait, to LA. First, let me say that I am just a kid from Akron who made a mistake. I've been studying the apology film. I watched 14 hours of tape on how to say sorry. My apology IQ is off the charts. I am deeply sorry. The decision to be sorry was made on a one-hour ESPN special. I will be taking time to reflect and post cryptic quotes on Instagram that may or may not be about this. I want to thank my team. LeBron out. #JustAKidFromAkron #StriveForGreatness #SorryNotSorryButActuallySorry"

"I want to address the recent situation. I woke up at 2:30am. Prayer at 2:45am. Apologized at 3:00am. Cryo chamber at 3:15am. Golf at 4:00am. More prayer at 5:00am. I am deeply sorry on a schedule and the schedule cannot be altered. First, let me say I discussed this with God during our 2:45am meeting. He's cool with it. I will be taking time to reflect, but only between 6:15am and 6:22am because that's the reflection slot. I want to thank my trainer, my pastor, and the Wahlburgers franchise. Marky Mark out. Say hi to your mother for me."

"I want to address the recent situation. ANOTHER ONE. First, let me say WE THE BEST APOLOGIZERS. I am deeply sorry. MAJOR KEY ALERT: being sorry is a key to success. I called Drake. Drake said it's fine. I called Jay-Z. Jay-Z didn't pick up but that's okay because WE THE BEST. They don't want us to apologize. So we're going to apologize MORE. I will be taking time to reflect on my jet ski. Another key 🔑: always reflect on a jet ski. DJ Khaled out. WE THE BEST SORRY. GOD DID. And by God I mean my publicist."

"I want to address the recent... *leans back, squints at horizon* ...well, you see, I've been thinkin' about what 'sorry' really means. And I think... *long pause* ...sorry is a lot like a '70 Lincoln Continental. You gotta let it warm up. First, let me say that this is not who I am. Who I am is a man, on a journey, in a Lincoln, driving toward accountability. I am deeply sorry. Alright, alright, alright. I wrote about this in my book, Greenlights. Page 247. I will be taking time to reflect. Shirtless. On a beach. Playing bongos. McConaughey out. *drives away in a Lincoln*"

"Beyonce does not apologize. Beyonce has never apologized. If you believe Beyonce owes you an apology, you are incorrect. However, Beyonce's publicist would like to address the recent situation by noting that Beyonce was, in fact, at a different location at the time, looking incredible. First, let Beyonce's publicist say that Beyonce operates on a plane of existence where apologies do not apply. This statement is the closest you will ever get. Beyonce will be taking time to not reflect because there is nothing to reflect on. The Beyhive will handle this from here. You have been warned."

"Yo I want to address tha recent... *exhales*... situation, ya dig? Fo shizzle my apolo-gizzle. First, let me say that I was vibin' and the vibes got misinterpreted, cuz. I am deeply sorry, nephew. I discussed this with Martha and she said I should write it on nice paper but nah. I will be takin' time to reflect. And by reflect I mean cook with Martha on our show, which is Season 47 now somehow. I want to thank tha fans, tha Dogg Pound, and whatever Olympic event needs a hype man. Snoop out. *coaches another random sport*"

"I want to address the recent situation lol. First, let me say that this is not who I am, but also who I am is kind of a mess and that's my whole thing. I am deeply sorry. I talked to my therapist about this. My therapist said I should apologize. My other therapist disagreed. My third therapist is my tattoo artist. I now have 'SORRY' tattooed on my neck. I will be taking time to reflect and also date someone way out of my league, which will somehow generate more controversy than whatever I'm apologizing for. Pete out. I'm moving to my mom's basement. Again."