Tinder vs Reality
Shrek on
Tinder
Shrek. Homeowner (swamp). Likes: privacy, onions, being left alone. Dislikes: people. One blurry photo that looks like a Bigfoot sighting. Bio: "Don't." She drove four hours to a swamp. Every course was onion-based. Donkey would not stop talking. He was actually sweet. Like an onion — layers.
The Profile
What His Tinder Looks Like
Bio: "Don't." Distance: "Far Far Away (further)." One photo. It is blurry. He did not want to make this profile. Donkey made him. He wants you to know that.
The Photo (Singular)
Photo 1: The Only Photo
It is blurry. Extremely blurry. Taken from what appears to be a considerable distance, possibly by someone who was running away. The subject is large and green. That is all that can be determined. The lighting is swamp-adjacent. There might be a tree involved. This is his only photo. He uploaded one photo to a dating app and it looks like a Bigfoot sighting. He does not see the problem.
The Prompts
My bio...
"Don’t."
Likes...
"Privacy. Onions. Being left alone. Mud baths. My swamp. Did I mention being left alone?"
Dislikes...
"People. Singing animals. Fairy tale creatures on my property. Knights. Quests. Voluntourism. Being perceived."
Why should you swipe right...
"You shouldn’t. I made this profile because Donkey wouldn’t stop talking about it. I am only here because a talking donkey bullied me into downloading an app. Swipe left. Please. I am begging you."
The Main Event
What the Date Is Actually Like
She drove four hours to a swamp. She ate five courses of onions. A donkey narrated the entire evening. She left charmed. He pretended he didn't care. Donkey knows the truth.
Step 1 — The Location
She matched with him despite everything. Despite the blurry photo. Despite the bio that says 'Don’t.' Despite the fact that his listed location is 'Far Far Away (further).' She asked where they should meet. He said, 'My place.' She said, 'Great, where’s that?' He sent a pin. The pin is in a swamp. A literal swamp. Four hours from the nearest city. There are no roads for the last forty-five minutes. She drives through a forest, across a creek, past a sign that says 'KEEP OUT' in letters carved into a tree with what appears to be a fist, and arrives at a swamp with a house in the middle of it. The house is made of wood. There is an outhouse. There is a mud pit. There are warning signs everywhere. She questions her life choices. She knocks on the door.
Step 2 — The Door
Shrek opens the door. He is seven feet tall. He is green. He is an ogre. His profile did not mention the ogre thing. In retrospect, the blurry photo makes more sense now. He looks at her. She looks at him. There is a long pause. 'What are you doing in my swamp?' he says. She says, 'We matched on Tinder. You invited me to dinner.' He looks confused for a moment, then sighs with the weariness of a man who has been alive for a very long time and has never once enjoyed a social interaction. 'Right,' he says. 'Donkey set that up. Come in, I suppose.' He opens the door wider. The inside of his house smells strongly of onions. Not unpleasantly. Just... comprehensively.
Step 3 — The Kitchen
Shrek has cooked. He has put effort in. This is immediately clear. The table is set with mismatched wooden plates. There is a candle — it appears to be made of earwax but the gesture counts. The menu, which he has written on a piece of bark, reads: French Onion Soup, Onion Salad, Caramelized Onion Stew with Roasted Onion Garnish, Onion Bread, and for dessert, Onion Cake. Every single course is onion-based. She looks at the menu. She looks at him. 'Do you... like onions?' she asks. His eyes light up. This is the first time his eyes have done anything other than glare. 'Onions have layers,' he says, leaning forward with sudden intensity. 'Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. Do you see?' She does not see. She nods anyway. The French onion soup is, against all odds, extraordinary.
Step 4 — The Donkey
Twenty minutes into dinner, a voice erupts from the other room. 'SHREK! SHREK! IS YOUR DATE HERE? I WANNA MEET HER! SHREK!' A small grey donkey bursts into the dining room. He is talking. He will not stop talking. He talks for eleven straight minutes without pausing. He asks her name. He asks her sign. He asks if she likes waffles. He asks if she knows that Shrek is actually really nice underneath. Shrek yells, 'DONKEY!' approximately seventeen times during the evening. Each time Donkey leaves. Each time Donkey comes back within four minutes. At one point Donkey sits between them at the table and starts reviewing the onion soup. 'It’s good, Shrek! You really outdid yourself! See, I told you this dating thing was a good idea! You just gotta put yourself out there! Be vulnerable! Like an onion! Peel back the layers!' Shrek puts his face in his hands.
Step 5 — The Opening Up
After Donkey’s ninth interruption, Shrek walks him to the other room and closes the door. He comes back to the table. He sits down. He is quiet for a moment. Then he says, 'Sorry about him. He means well. He’s just...' He trails off. He picks up his spoon. He stirs his soup without eating it. 'People don’t usually come here,' he says. 'On purpose, I mean.' She says, 'I drove four hours.' He looks at her like nobody has ever said anything that surprising to him. 'Why?' he asks. It is genuine. He genuinely does not understand why someone would drive four hours to eat onions in a swamp with an ogre. She says, 'Your bio said don’t. That’s the most honest thing I’ve ever seen on a dating app.' He almost smiles. Almost. The corner of his mouth moves approximately two millimeters. For Shrek, this is a standing ovation.
Step 6 — The Walk
After dinner — after the onion cake, which is somehow the best cake she has ever had — Shrek suggests a walk. They walk through the swamp. It is dark. Fireflies are everywhere. The moon reflects off the water. It is, she realizes, beautiful. The swamp is actually beautiful. Shrek walks beside her, hands behind his back, saying nothing. He points at a frog. 'That’s Gerald,' he says. 'He’s alright.' He points at a tree. 'That’s where Donkey sleeps when I lock him out. Which is often.' He stops at a clearing where the swamp opens up to a view of the stars. 'This is why I live here,' he says quietly. 'No people. No noise. Just... this.' She looks at the stars. She looks at the green, seven-foot-tall ogre standing next to her, looking at the stars like they are old friends. She understands the onion thing now. Layers.
Step 7 — The Goodbye
She has to drive four hours home. Shrek walks her to her car. He stands there, arms crossed, doing that thing where he pretends he does not care about anything that is happening. 'Well,' he says. 'That was...' He does not finish the sentence. He will never finish the sentence. He is constitutionally incapable of expressing a positive emotion in direct language. 'The onion soup was incredible,' she says. 'Obviously,' he says. She gets in her car. As she drives away, she looks in the rearview mirror. He is still standing there. He has not moved. He is watching her car disappear down the swamp path. From the window of the house, Donkey yells, 'SHE LIKES YOU, SHREK! I KNEW IT! I TOLD YOU! YOU SHOULD TEXT HER! DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TEXT? I CAN TEACH YOU!' Shrek goes inside and closes the door.
Step 8 — The Aftermath
She gets a text the next morning. It is from Donkey’s phone. It reads: 'This is Shrek. Donkey is letting me use his phone. I do not understand phones. The soup was better with company. — S.' Then a second text, thirty seconds later: 'Donkey wrote that. I am standing next to him. But it is... not inaccurate.' Then a third text from Donkey: 'HE LIKED YOU HE TALKED ABOUT YOU ALL NIGHT HE MADE MORE ONION SOUP THIS MORNING AND LOOKED SAD WHEN THERE WAS NO ONE TO SHARE IT WITH.' Then a fourth text, clearly from Shrek who grabbed the phone: 'Ignore that. I am fine. The swamp is fine. Everything is fine.' She smiled for the entire four-hour drive back.
HE LIKED YOU HE TALKED ABOUT YOU ALL NIGHT HE MADE MORE ONION SOUP THIS MORNING AND LOOKED SAD WHEN THERE WAS NO ONE TO SHARE IT WITH
Ignore that. I am fine. The swamp is fine. Everything is fine.
Date Rating: 9/10
One point deducted because she drove four hours and the GPS stopped working after the creek. Nine points awarded for: the extraordinary onion soup, the earwax candle (the effort counts), the firefly walk, the moment under the stars, the fact that he opened up about why he lives in a swamp, the texts the next morning, and the onion cake which was somehow the best cake she has ever eaten.
He pretended he didn't care. Donkey knows the truth. He made more soup the next morning. He looked at the empty chair. Layers.
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