Tinder vs Reality
Captain Jack Sparrow
on Tinder
Captain Jack. Ship owner. World traveler. Looking for rum and companionship, in that order. He arrives two hours late via rowboat, tells seven lies before the appetizer, and flees through the kitchen when someone recognizes him. He pays with a gold doubloon.
The Profile
What His Tinder Looks Like
Bio: "Captain Jack Sparrow. Yes, Captain. The title is important. Ship owner. World traveler. Has been to places you haven't heard of because they aren't on maps anymore. Looking for: rum and companionship, in that order."
The Photos
Photo 1: The Ship
Jack standing heroically at the helm of the Black Pearl. The wind is in his hair. The sun is setting behind him. It is a magnificent photo. What the photo does not show is that the ship is actively sinking. The back third is underwater. He cropped it. He cropped a sinking ship.
Photo 2: The Treasure
Jack sitting on a pile of gold coins and jewels in a cave. He is grinning with at least three gold teeth. The treasure is stolen. All of it. Every single coin. Several of the items are cursed. He listed this photo with the caption 'Hard work pays off' which is a lie on multiple levels.
Photo 3: The Selfie
A selfie where Jack is clearly running from something. His arm is extended, phone out (it is unclear how he has a phone), and behind him at a distance of maybe thirty feet is a group of angry men with swords. His expression is not fear. It is delight. He looks like he is having the time of his life. The caption says 'Out with friends.'
Photo 4: The Beach
Jack on a white sand beach, lounging against a palm tree with a bottle of rum. Looks idyllic. Looks like a travel influencer. What the photo does not show is that he is marooned on a deserted island and this is his third day without food. He still looks like he is on vacation. This man would pose for a selfie during a shipwreck.
Photo 5: The Group Photo
Jack with his arm around two people who are clearly not his friends. They are pirates he just met. One of them is trying to pickpocket him while the photo is being taken. Jack is simultaneously trying to pickpocket the other one. Everyone is smiling. This is the most honest photo on the profile.
The Prompts
I'm looking for...
"Rum and companionship, in that order. Preferably someone who owns a ship. Or knows someone who owns a ship. Or can be persuaded to help me steal a ship. I am flexible on the method."
My most controversial opinion...
"The code is more what you’d call guidelines than actual rules. This applies to pirate codes, dating etiquette, and the concept of personal property. I am not a good person. But I am entertaining."
The key to my heart is...
"Rum. I cannot stress this enough. Rum. Also, a sense of adventure, an appreciation for creative dishonesty, and the ability to swim. The swimming one comes up more than you’d think."
A fun fact about me...
"I have been slapped by every woman in every port city in the Caribbean. This is not a red flag. It is a resume."
The Main Event
What the Date Is Actually Like
He arrives via rowboat. It gets worse from there. Or better, depending on your tolerance for chaos.
9:00 PM — The Agreed Time
Jack is not here. She is sitting at a nice restaurant by the harbor. She has been there for five minutes. She orders water. She checks her phone. No messages. No indication that Jack is aware time is a concept that applies to him.
9:30 PM — Still No Jack
She texts him: 'Hey, are you close?' He responds forty-five minutes later: 'Aye.' That is the entire message. No ETA. No explanation. No punctuation. Just 'Aye.' She has now finished the bread basket.
10:55 PM — The Arrival
Jack arrives two hours late. He arrives via rowboat. An actual rowboat. He ties it to the dock outside the restaurant like it is a horse. He is slightly drunk. Not very drunk — slightly drunk, which seems to be his baseline factory setting. He walks into the restaurant with the specific confidence of a man who has no idea he is late and would not care if he did. His boots are wet. He is wearing eyeliner. He bows.
10:58 PM — The Greeting
Jack takes her hand and kisses it. 'You must be the woman from the telephone contraption,' he says. She says, 'You’re two hours late.' He looks genuinely confused. 'Am I? Time is a tricky thing, love. Very subjective. The sun was in a certain position when I left. It is in a different position now. Who is to say which position was correct?' She is annoyed. She is also, somehow, slightly charmed. The eyeliner is working.
11:00 PM — The Rum Crisis
Jack sits down. He picks up the drink menu. He scans it with increasing agitation. His face goes through five stages of grief in twelve seconds. He calls the waiter over. 'Mate,' he says, with the gravity of a man delivering terrible news, 'there appears to be no rum on this menu.' The waiter confirms that they do not serve rum. Jack stares at the waiter for eight full seconds. 'You have a beverage establishment,' Jack says slowly, 'and you have chosen, voluntarily, to not stock rum.' He says it like the restaurant has committed a war crime. This conversation goes on for twenty minutes. He asks to speak to the manager. He asks the manager why they hate joy. He suggests they rename the restaurant to 'The Place Where Dreams Go to Die.' He eventually orders tequila and tells the waiter he is 'very disappointed in you personally.'
11:25 PM — The Seven Lies
Within the first ten minutes of actual conversation, Jack tells seven lies. She does not catch all of them because some of them are so elaborate they sound true. Lie 1: He is a 'shipping entrepreneur.' Lie 2: He attended Oxford ('briefly — there was an incident'). Lie 3: His ship is 'in the shop.' Lie 4: He has never been arrested. Lie 5: He speaks four languages ('five if you count threatening'). Lie 6: His compass works perfectly fine. Lie 7: He is 'absolutely, completely, one hundred percent sober right now.' Every single lie is delivered with complete eye contact, a charming smile, and so much confidence that she starts to doubt her own reality. She thinks maybe he did go to Oxford. He did not go to Oxford.
11:35 PM — The Stories
Jack begins telling stories about his travels. The first one involves being eaten by a kraken. She says, 'That can’t be true.' He says, 'And yet here I sit, love.' The second story involves being marooned on an island with nothing but rum and a pistol. She says, 'What did you do?' He says, 'I drank the rum.' He says this like it is the most obvious answer in the world. The third story involves a jar of dirt that he was very emotionally attached to. He will not explain why. She has been on dates with men who talked about their cars, their jobs, their fantasy football teams. This is the first date where someone has spoken passionately about a jar of dirt. She is, against her better judgment, riveted.
11:50 PM — The Interruption
A man at the bar recognizes Jack. 'SPARROW!' he yells. Jack’s head snaps around. His expression changes from charming to calculating in approximately one-quarter of a second. 'I believe you owe me a ship,' the man says, walking toward the table. Jack stands up, adjusts his bandana, and says, 'I owe many people many ships, you’ll have to be more specific.' The man is specific. Jack apparently stole his ship four years ago in Tortuga. Jack denies this. The man has a wanted poster. Jack is on the wanted poster. Jack says, 'That could be anyone. Lot of blokes with eyeliner these days.' The situation escalates. Jack grabs his tequila, says 'Lovely evening, must dash,' and exits through the kitchen. Through the kitchen. She can hear pots clanging. A chef yells something in French.
11:55 PM — The Bill
The waiter brings the check to her table. She is sitting alone. Her date fled through the kitchen four minutes ago. The angry man from the bar has also left, presumably in pursuit. She is contemplating her life choices when the waiter sets down a gold doubloon next to the check. 'The gentleman asked me to give you this,' the waiter says. She picks it up. It is actual gold. It has a skull on it. It is from the 1700s. She asks the waiter if they accept this as payment. The waiter says, 'He said to keep the change, love.' The doubloon is worth approximately $4,000. The dinner was $87. She keeps the change.
12:05 AM — The Text
She gets a text from Jack twenty minutes later. It reads: 'Apologies for the abrupt departure. Minor professional disagreement. Lovely evening. You have very nice eyes. If I am not in prison by Tuesday I would enjoy doing this again. — Capt. J. Sparrow.' She screenshotted this text and sent it to seven friends. All seven said do not go on a second date. She is considering going on a second date. She still has the doubloon.
The problem is not that he lies.
The problem is that every single lie is more interesting than anything a truthful person has ever said to you.
Date Rating: 6/10
Two hours late. Seven lies. Fled through the kitchen. But every single minute he was at the table was the most entertaining conversation she has ever had. He told a story about a jar of dirt with more passion than any man has ever spoken to her about anything. She has a gold doubloon worth $4,000.
Would she swipe right again? If he's not in prison by Tuesday, yes.
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