Tinder vs Reality
Batman on
Tinder
Bruce, 35. Philanthropist. Night owl. Has a cave (wine cave, he insists). Looking for someone who doesn't ask questions after 10 PM. Four cancelled dates. One three-hour bathroom break. Alfred texting about "preparing the cave" during dinner.
The Profile
What His Tinder Looks Like
Bio: "Bruce, 35. Philanthropist. Night owl. Has a cave. Looking for someone who can handle me being a little mysterious. Not a vampire. Probably."
The Photos
Photo 1: The Gala Shot
Bruce in a perfectly tailored Tom Ford tuxedo at a Gotham charity gala. Jawline that could cut glass. Hair immaculate. Eyes that say 'I have seen things no man should see but I moisturize aggressively.' Cropped just above the left shoulder where the Batsuit collar would be visible. Three women in the background are looking at him. He is looking at the exit.
Photo 2: The Car
Listed as 'my car.' It is the Batmobile. He has tried to make it look normal by photographing it in a dimly lit garage at an angle that obscures the rocket launcher. It still very clearly has jet engines. The caption says 'Gets good gas mileage' which is a lie that would make even the Joker uncomfortable.
Photo 3: The House
Wayne Manor, photographed from the front gate. Listed as 'my place.' It has 47 rooms. A waterfall in the back leads to a cave full of military-grade technology and a giant computer. He has cropped out the bat-shaped weather vane. The zillow estimate alone would crash the app.
Photo 4: The Workout Shot
Shirtless in what appears to be a home gym. The gym is the Batcave. The equipment includes things not available for civilian purchase. He has abs that look computer-generated but are earned through nightly combat with the criminally insane. There is a cape hanging on a hook in the background. He claims it is a bathrobe.
Photo 5: The Skyline
A gorgeous nighttime photo of the Gotham skyline. Beautiful, moody, atmospheric. What his date will not notice until the third zoom is that he is crouched on a gargoyle 400 feet above the street in the bottom corner of the frame. He is wearing the suit. He forgot he was in the photo.
The Prompts
My ideal first date...
"Dinner. Just dinner. Nothing involving crime. Please do not mention crime. I would like one evening where nobody mentions crime."
I'm looking for...
"Someone who doesn’t ask questions after 10 PM. Or before 10 PM about where I was after 10 PM the previous night. Ideally someone who sleeps very soundly."
The way to win me over is...
"Understanding that sometimes a man has to leave dinner abruptly and come back three hours later with torn clothing and a black eye and not want to talk about it. Also: not being a supervillain. That is a hard requirement."
A shower thought I recently had...
"What if I just... didn’t go out tonight? What if I stayed in and watched a movie? What if I let the police handle it for ONE evening? (He goes out anyway. He always goes out.)"
Before the Date
The Four Cancellations
Scheduling a date with Batman is like scheduling a meeting with someone who is always, always, always in another meeting that involves explosions.
Attempt 1 — Monday 7:00 PM
Bruce cancels 45 minutes before the reservation. Text reads: 'Something came up at work.' He is currently hanging upside down from a construction crane watching a drug deal through thermal imaging.
Attempt 2 — Wednesday 8:00 PM
Bruce cancels 20 minutes before. Text reads: 'So sorry, family emergency.' He does not have family. His family emergency is that the Penguin is holding the mayor hostage with an umbrella that shoots acid.
Attempt 3 — Friday 7:30 PM
Bruce cancels from the restaurant parking lot. He was physically in the parking lot. He could see the restaurant. Then the sky lit up with the Bat-Signal and he sat in his car for eleven seconds of genuine moral conflict before driving to the Batcave at 140 mph. His text reads: 'Rain check?'
Attempt 4 — Saturday 6:00 PM
Bruce cancels because Gotham is literally on fire. Like, actually on fire. The entire East Side. Scarecrow released fear toxin into the water supply. His text reads: 'Hey, slight scheduling conflict.' She considers unmatching. She does not unmatch. The jawline is too powerful.
Attempt 5 — Tuesday 7:00 PM (SUCCESS)
He shows up. On time. In a navy suit that costs more than her annual salary. His hair is perfect. His smile is dazzling. She immediately forgets the four cancellations. This man could sell fire insurance to Scarecrow.
The Main Event
What the Date Is Actually Like
He finally shows up. It goes exactly how you think it goes. But also worse.
7:00 PM — The Arrival
Bruce arrives in a matte black Lamborghini Aventador, which is his normal car and is somehow the less conspicuous option. He holds the door open for her. He pulls out her chair. He makes eye contact that is simultaneously warm and haunted. The hostess calls him 'Mr. Wayne' and he tips her $200 to not do that again. She does it again when she brings the menus.
7:15 PM — The Conversation
Bruce is charming. Genuinely charming. He asks about her job, her hobbies, her family. He listens. He nods. He makes a self-deprecating joke about being 'kind of a loner.' He is the most attentive date she has ever had. He also has not looked away from the window once, because there is a mugging happening across the street and he is calculating whether the victim can handle it alone. The victim cannot handle it alone. Bruce excuses himself to the restroom.
7:18 PM — The First Disappearance
Bruce has been in the restroom for three minutes. She assumes he is nervous. He is on the roof of the restaurant in the Batsuit, which he apparently keeps in the trunk of the Lamborghini. The mugger is now zip-tied to a fire escape. Bruce returns to the table in under four minutes. His hair is slightly different. She does not notice. He orders the steak.
7:45 PM — The Phone
Bruce's phone buzzes fourteen times during the appetizer course. He apologizes and says it is 'work emails.' It is Commissioner Gordon. It is always Commissioner Gordon. The texts include phrases like 'JOKER LOOSE,' 'ARKHAM BREACH,' and 'PLEASE BRUCE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.' Bruce silences his phone and asks her about her favorite travel destination. She says Italy. He says he once chased a man across the rooftops of Florence. He catches himself. 'For charity,' he adds.
8:10 PM — The Bat-Signal
The sky outside the restaurant window lights up. A giant bat is projected onto the clouds. It is the Bat-Signal. It is the size of a city block. It is impossible to miss. She says, 'Oh wow, what is that?' Bruce, without missing a beat, says, 'Probably just a searchlight. Some club promotion.' She looks at the giant, unmistakable bat shape projected onto the entire Gotham sky and says, 'Oh yeah, probably.' Bruce excuses himself 'for a minute.'
8:12 PM — 11:15 PM — The Absence
Bruce does not come back for three hours. Three. Hours. She eats her entree alone. She eats his entree alone. She orders dessert. She eats dessert alone. She reads the entire wine list. The waiter brings her a note that says 'Mr. Wayne sends his sincerest apologies and asks that you order anything you like.' She orders the most expensive bottle on the menu out of spite. During this time, Bruce is fighting Bane in a parking garage, disarming a bomb on the Gotham Bridge, and having a brief existential crisis on a rooftop while Alfred tells him he needs to 'find balance in his life.'
11:15 PM — The Return
Bruce returns to the table. His suit jacket is gone. There is a bruise forming under his left eye. His knuckles are wrapped in what appears to be medical tape hastily covered by his sleeves. He smells faintly of smoke and industrial adhesive. 'Sorry about that,' he says, sliding back into his chair like he was gone for two minutes. 'I fell.' She stares at the bruise. 'You fell?' He nods with absolute conviction. 'Stairs. Wet stairs. Very dangerous restaurant. I should leave a Yelp review.' He has the audacity to order coffee.
11:20 PM — The Alfred Text
Bruce's phone buzzes. He glances at it and tries to angle it away but she catches the lock screen notification. It reads: 'Shall I prepare the cave, sir? — Alfred.' She says, 'Who’s Alfred?' Bruce says, 'My... roommate.' She says, 'You have a roommate? In a 47-room mansion?' Bruce says, 'He’s more of a... live-in consultant.' She says, 'What cave?' Bruce takes a very long sip of coffee. 'Wine cave,' he says. 'I collect wine. In a cave. Under the house. Normal rich person thing.'
11:30 PM — The Waiter
The waiter brings the check. He leans down and says, very quietly, 'We’re so honored to have you here tonight, Mr. Wayne. And might I say, your other outfit is very impressive.' The waiter winks. Bruce tips him $5,000 in cash. The waiter never mentions it again. She saw the whole thing. She pretends she did not. They have entered a mutual agreement to not acknowledge reality.
11:45 PM — The Goodbye
Bruce walks her to her car. He is limping slightly. She asks if he is okay. He says he 'pulled a muscle at the gym.' It is almost midnight. He was at the gym at midnight. She does not challenge this. He kisses her on the cheek. It is gentle. It is sincere. For one second he is just a man standing in a parking lot and not a traumatized vigilante with a $60 billion net worth and a pathological inability to have a normal evening. She texts her friend: 'He’s sweet but weird. There’s something off. I think he might be Batman.' Her friend replies: 'Everyone in Gotham thinks their date is Batman.' She does not get a second date. Bruce leaves a 5-star Yelp review for the restaurant and a 1-star review for the stairs.
The tragedy of Bruce Wayne is not that he fights crime every night.
It's that he genuinely wanted to have dinner. And he almost made it to dessert.
Date Rating: 2/10
One point for the jawline. One point for paying for literally everything including the bottle she ordered out of spite. Minus eight points for vanishing for three hours, returning with injuries, and having a butler who texts about caves.
Would she swipe right again? She's thinking about it. The jawline is really good.
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