Tinder vs Reality
Darth Vader on
Tinder
Anakin. Management. Recently divorced. Looking for someone who doesn't betray him. Deal-breaker: sand. The breathing is immediately noticeable. He orders water and cannot drink it. He finds your lack of everything disturbing. He Force-pushes the dessert cart. He leaves a 5-star Yelp review.
The Profile
What His Tinder Looks Like
Bio: "Anakin. Senior management. Recently divorced. Father of two (it's complicated). Looking for: someone who doesn't betray me. Deal-breaker: sand."
The Photos
Photo 1: The Sunset
A dramatic sunset photograph. Beautiful oranges and reds reflecting off what appears to be a river of... lava. This is Mustafar. The sunset is lava. The entire planet is lava. He listed it as 'My favorite vacation spot.' He has not been on vacation. He went there for the worst day of his life. He lost three limbs and his wife. He lists this as his sunset photo. His relationship with self-awareness is complicated.
Photo 2: The Group Photo
Vader in what appears to be a professional setting with several military officers. He is the tallest person in the photo by approximately two feet. One of the officers in the background appears to be clutching his throat and floating six inches off the ground. Vader has cropped the photo to exclude this, but not well. You can still see the man’s feet dangling. The caption says 'Team building day.'
Photo 3: The Mask
A close-up of the mask. Just the mask. Listed as 'helmet.' It is not a helmet. Helmets do not have life support systems, voice modulators, and lenses that glow red when he is angry, which is always. He has listed his best feature as 'my eyes.' He does not have visible eyes. The mask has opaque black lenses. This is the most aspirational thing on the entire profile.
Photo 4: The Ship
His TIE Advanced fighter, photographed in a hangar bay. It is sleek, black, and radiates menace. He listed it under 'My hobbies' with the caption 'Weekend drives.' His weekend drives involve dogfighting rebel starfighters at lightspeed. He considers this a hobby. In the same way some people consider golf a hobby.
Photo 5: The Professional Headshot
This is just the mask again, from a slightly different angle. With better lighting. He has used two of his five photo slots on the same mask. In his defense, he cannot remove the mask. It keeps him alive. But he could have mentioned that. He did not mention that.
The Prompts
My bio...
"Anakin. Senior management. Recently divorced. Father of two (it’s complicated). Looking for: someone who doesn’t betray me. Deal-breaker: sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere."
I'm looking for...
"Loyalty. Obedience is also acceptable. I have had issues with trust in the past. My former employer tried to kill me. My best friend left me burning on a riverbank. My wife... I do not wish to discuss my wife. Loyalty is the minimum requirement."
My love language...
"Acts of service. I once built a galactic empire to protect someone I loved. It did not work out. But the empire is still running. So. Partial credit."
Green flags in a partner...
"Does not mention the high ground. Does not compare me to who I used to be. Accepts that I breathe loudly. It is a medical condition. I am sensitive about it."
The Main Event
What the Date Is Actually Like
The breathing. The mask. The inability to eat or drink anything. The twelve things he finds disturbing. The telekinetic dessert cart incident. The 5-star Yelp review.
7:00 PM — The Arrival
Darth Vader arrives at the restaurant. He does not arrive subtly. The door opens and there is a seven-foot figure in a black cape, black armor, and a mask with a respirator that sounds like an industrial ventilation system. Every person in the restaurant turns to look. A child starts crying. The hostess says, 'Table for... two?' with the tone of someone who is very much considering quitting tonight. Vader says, 'I have a reservation. Under Anakin.' His voice sounds like thunder filtered through a subwoofer. The hostess checks the book. She cannot find it. 'I find your lack of organization disturbing,' he says. She finds the reservation immediately.
7:05 PM — The Breathing
They sit down. It is quiet at the table except for one thing. The breathing. KSHHHH-PRRRR. KSHHHH-PRRRR. KSHHHH-PRRRR. It is constant. It is mechanical. It is exactly as loud as you think it would be. She smiles and says, 'So, hi.' KSHHHH-PRRRR. He nods. KSHHHH-PRRRR. She says, 'Nice to finally meet you in person.' KSHHHH-PRRRR. KSHHHH-PRRRR. She picks up the menu. She tries to focus on the menu. KSHHHH-PRRRR. It is like having dinner across from a scuba diver. A scuba diver who is also a war criminal. She adjusts. Humans can adjust to anything. She adjusts to the breathing by the second course. She will hear it in her dreams for weeks.
7:15 PM — The Ordering
The waiter arrives. She orders a salmon entree and a glass of pinot grigio. The waiter turns to Vader. There is a pause. A long pause. Vader cannot eat. He is wearing a sealed mask connected to a life support suit. There is no mouth hole. There is no food intake mechanism. He has agreed to dinner at a restaurant and he cannot consume food. 'Water,' he says, after what feels like geological time. 'Just water.' The waiter says, 'Of course, sir. Still or sparkling?' Vader considers this with the seriousness of a man deciding the fate of a star system. 'Still,' he says. 'Sparkling water is an abomination.' The water arrives. It sits in front of him untouched for the entire evening. He cannot drink water either.
7:30 PM — The Complaints
Vader opens the menu, although he cannot eat anything on it. He reads it with increasing displeasure. 'I find your lack of appetizer variety disturbing,' he tells the waiter. The waiter nods nervously. Vader turns to the wine list. 'I find your lack of Corellian vintages disturbing.' The waiter explains that they do not stock wines from fictional planets. Vader tilts his head. 'I find your lack of imagination disturbing.' Over the next forty-five minutes, Vader will say 'I find your lack of [thing] disturbing' about: the dessert menu, the lighting, the table wobble, the music volume, the bathroom soap, the salt shaker design, the font on the menu, the temperature, the other diners, and the concept of small talk. It is the only sentence structure he appears to have.
7:45 PM — The Conversation Attempt
She asks him about his work. He says, 'Management.' She says, 'What kind of management?' He says, 'Galactic.' She waits for elaboration. He does not elaborate. She asks about his hobbies. He says, 'Meditation. Enforcing order. Building things.' She says, 'What kind of things?' He says, 'Superweapons.' He says this with the same tone someone would use to say 'birdhouses.' She asks if he has kids. Something happens. Something shifts behind the mask. The breathing changes. It gets faster. Shorter. KSHH-PRR-KSHH-PRR-KSHH-PRR. 'Two,' he says. His voice, filtered through the modulator, sounds different. Smaller. 'A boy and a girl.' She says, 'Do you see them often?' He does not answer. KSHHHH-PRRRR. KSHHHH-PRRRR. The untouched water glass trembles slightly. She changes the subject.
8:00 PM — The Other Diners
The couple at the next table keeps staring. The man whispers something to his partner and laughs. Vader turns his head slowly. Just his head. The helmet pivots forty-five degrees with mechanical precision. He stares at the man. He does not say anything. He just stares. The man stops laughing. The man’s drink begins to tremble. The man’s tie lifts slightly, as though pulled by an invisible hand. The man turns white. Vader turns back to his date. 'You were saying?' he says, as if nothing happened. The couple at the next table asks for the check immediately.
8:15 PM — The Sand Incident
She mentions she just got back from a beach vacation. The temperature at the table drops. Metaphorically. Actually, possibly literally. 'Sand?' he says, with the same inflection someone would use for 'poison.' She says, 'Yeah, it was beautiful, this white sand beach in—' 'I don’t like sand,' he says. His voice is flat. Controlled. 'It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.' She stares at him. This is the most emotion he has shown all evening and it is about sand. 'I had... a bad experience. With sand. When I was younger.' She says, 'Oh, I’m sorry.' 'I was a different person then,' he says. KSHHHH-PRRRR. The untouched water glass trembles again. She makes a mental note to never mention beaches.
8:30 PM — The Dessert Cart Incident
The dessert cart arrives at a neighboring table. It is a large cart with cakes, pastries, and a creme brulee. The cart rolls slightly and bumps Vader’s chair. It is a gentle bump. Barely a tap. Vader’s hand comes up in a sharp gesture and the dessert cart slides violently across the restaurant floor, crashes into the wall, and sends a tiramisu airborne. The creme brulee shatters. A cheesecake hits the floor. The entire restaurant goes silent. Vader looks at his hand. He looks at the destroyed dessert cart. He looks at his date. 'That was involuntary,' he says. KSHHHH-PRRRR. She believes him. The Force-push was reflexive. The man has PTSD and the power of telekinesis. This is a dangerous combination near dessert carts. The restaurant does not charge them for the cart. They do not charge Vader for anything, ever.
9:00 PM — The Goodbye
Vader walks her to her car. His cape billows in the wind. It always billows. There is a wind that follows him specifically. He stands next to her car. She looks up at the mask. The mask looks down at her. 'This was...' he begins. He does not finish. He is worse at finishing emotional sentences than Shrek. 'I appreciate you not mentioning the dessert cart,' he says. She says, 'It was an accident. It happens.' It does not happen. It has never happened. A telekinetic outburst destroying a dessert cart has never happened to anyone else on a first date. 'You are... kind,' he says. He says the word 'kind' like he is learning it for the first time. Like he has not heard it in twenty years. His respirator sounds different for a moment. Softer. Almost sad. He nods once, turns, and his cape swirls as he walks to a shuttle that is somehow parked in the parking lot. She gets in her car. Her phone buzzes. It is a Yelp notification. He has already left a 5-star review for the restaurant. It reads: 'Adequate dining establishment. The salmon appeared satisfactory. The dessert cart requires better engineering. The Force will be with this restaurant. Always.'
Adequate dining establishment. The salmon appeared satisfactory. The dessert cart requires better engineering.
The Force will be with this restaurant. Always.
Date Rating: 3/10
Three points: one for showing up on time (Imperial punctuality), one for the 5-star Yelp review (surprisingly gracious), and one for the moment when she mentioned kids and his breathing changed and she realized there is an entire galaxy of grief inside that suit. Minus seven for: the breathing, the inability to eat or drink, finding twelve things disturbing, the sand monologue, intimidating the neighboring couple with telekinesis, and destroying the dessert cart.
Would she swipe right again? No. But she thinks about him sometimes. About the way his voice changed when he said "two." A boy and a girl. There is someone in that suit who loved deeply and lost everything. The dessert cart was still unacceptable.
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