BILLIONAIRE
GROCERY LISTS

NOTE: “Total should be under $7. If it's more, the price has exceeded intrinsic value.”

* I've been eating the same breakfast since 1972. This is not a rut. This is a MOAT.

NOTE: “Have robot deliver. Actually, build the robot first. Actually, announce the robot on Twitter, THEN build it.”

* This list was revised 14 times between 2am and 4am.

NOTE: “Data shows 94% probability I will forget the milk. Again. Deploying reminder algorithm v3.2.”

* This list was auto-generated by an AI trained on my previous 847 grocery trips. It knows me better than I know myself. Which is not saying much.

NOTE: “If this store doesn't have one-click checkout I am leaving immediately. Customer obsession starts at the self-checkout lane.”

* Day 1 mentality applies to grocery shopping. Every trip is Day 1. I have never been to Day 2 of a grocery store.

NOTE: “If I could solve global hunger with this grocery trip, I would. Instead I'll settle for solving my own hunger. For now.”

* I've allocated $47 billion to philanthropy but still use coupons. Warren taught me that.

NOTE: “The grocery store is a monument to human folly. 47 varieties of cereal. This is why civilizations decline. Just buy the oats.”

* If you're spending more than 11 minutes in a grocery store, you're doing it wrong. And you're probably an idiot.

NOTE: “This list has been reduced from 200 items to 10. Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. If it doesn't spark minimalist joy, it doesn't go in the cart.”

* The cart itself is wrong. I've redesigned it. It's now a single seamless piece of aluminum with no handle. You carry it differently.

NOTE: “This is for Monday. Repeat 6 more times. The cashier knows me by name and has started pre-ordering my cod.”

* My grocery bill is higher than most people's rent. But can most people's rent deadlift 495? I didn't think so.

NOTE: “If it doesn't help you pump, it doesn't go in the cart. I'll be back... for the items on page 2.”

* I told the cashier 'Hasta la vista, baby' and she did not laugh. She has no appreciation for cinema.

NOTE: “I know I have enough money for the expensive stuff, but this bread is perfectly good. The expensive bread isn't happier bread.”

* Tipped the cashier $200. She said they can't accept tips. Left it in the tip jar at the cafe next door instead.

NOTE: “This is the best grocery list we've ever made. We think you're going to love it. Available in Midnight, Starlight, and Product(RED).”

* I woke up at 3:45am to get here before the store opened. Tim Cook does not wait in lines. Lines wait for Tim Cook.

NOTE: “For that reason... I'm in. On all of these items. But if you go talk to the other grocery stores, I'm out.”

* The cashier pitched me her granola bar startup. I asked for her margins. She didn't know her margins. I'm out.

NOTE: “This store is a DISASTER. The produce section looks like it's given up on life. The fish counter smells like BETRAYAL. 2 out of 10. My nan could run a better grocery store and she's DEAD.”

* I made the deli worker cry by asking when the roast chicken was actually roasted. He said 'this morning.' IT WAS YESTERDAY. I can TASTE time.

NOTE: “It's a good thing. Every item on this list is a good thing. Shopping at a grocery store instead of growing it myself is NOT a good thing, but the helicopter is being serviced.”

* I reorganized the spice aisle while I was here. They should be alphabetized AND color-coordinated. You're welcome.

NOTE: “I came in for milk. I left with a spiritual experience and $4,000 worth of artisanal goods. This is what Eckhart Tolle meant by 'living in the now.'”

* I bought everything in the store for the 200 audience members waiting outside. The store manager fainted. Twice.

NOTE: “We're takin' this grocery cart on a one-way trip to FLAVORTOWN, population: EVERYONE IN THIS STORE. Winner winner, chicken dinner. LITERALLY, I'm buying the chicken.”

* I narrated my entire shopping trip out loud. The other customers seemed concerned. But also entertained. That's the Fieri effect.

NOTE: “I was gonna go to the store... and I did. Rollin down the aisle, smokin' the samples, sippin' on gin and juice. Laid back. With my mind on my groceries and my groceries on my mind.”

* Martha texts me her grocery list every week. Mine is... different. But we get along. Somehow.

NOTE: “I've rated every item in this store on a 1-10 scale across 47 attributes. The results are radically transparent and available on my app. The bananas scored poorly on 'leadership.'”

* My shopping cart has a 'believability-weighted' system. Items recommended by credible chefs count more than my own preferences. This is how I ended up with sardines.

NOTE: “Listen, I've been in this grocery store for 45 MINUTES and I've changed my mind on the bananas SEVEN TIMES. That's not indecision. That's BEING NIMBLE.”

* The guy in line behind me asked if I was okay. I told him I was DOING MY HOMEWORK. He left. WEAK HANDS.

NOTE: “Nobody in this store understands what's coming. I tried to warn the produce manager about the banana bubble. He asked me to stop touching the avocados.”

* I deleted this grocery list, then reposted it, then deleted it again. You had 14 minutes to read it. That's on you.

NOTE: “Our 5-year price target for eggs is $0.02 once autonomous hens achieve scale. The grocery store of 2031 will be unrecognizable. We maintain high conviction.”

* My grocery portfolio is down 73% from its highs but I'm not selling. Innovation wins. It always wins. Eventually. Please stop asking about the Roku salmon.

NOTE: “Total should be under $30. When Fannie Mae pays its preferred shareholders, I'll shop at Whole Foods. Until then, it's rice and conviction.”

* I've been eating rice and beans for a decade waiting for this trade. The beans are fine. The trade is better. FNMAS to the moon.