The Forbidden Mountain
Lair of the Mistress of All Evil

Four stars. I am docking one star and the reason is my goons. Let me be clear about the goons: I sent them to find a baby. ONE baby. In an ENTIRE KINGDOM. They searched for SIXTEEN YEARS. Do you know what they were doing for sixteen years? They were looking for a baby. Still a baby. After sixteen years. They did not understand that babies GROW. I asked them to find Princess Aurora and they spent a decade and a half checking CRADLES.

I had to scream at them: "SHE'S SIXTEEN NOW, YOU FOOLS! SHE'S NOT IN A CRADLE! SHE'S A TEENAGER!" And they looked at me with their pig faces and I could see the absolute vacuum behind their eyes as they processed this information for the first time. Sixteen years. Of looking for a baby. I cannot work under these conditions.

The fortress itself is magnificent. The Forbidden Mountain has a commanding position over the surrounding moors. The thorn garden is thriving — I cultivate it personally and it now spans 40 acres of impenetrable thorny hell. Nobody gets through the thorns. Nobody. I take enormous pride in this.

Dragon parking is available in the east courtyard, which is relevant because I can turn into a dragon. This is not a metaphor. I literally transform into a fire-breathing dragon. The courtyard accommodates a full dragon wingspan with room to spare. Try finding that amenity on Airbnb.

The throne room features green fire ambiance — my signature touch. The flames are purely aesthetic and do not produce heat, which is energy-efficient. The raven perch has excellent sight lines to every room. My raven, Diablo, appreciates the architecture. He is the only competent member of my organization and he is a bird.

Three stars. The boss is very mean. She yells a lot and turns into a dragon sometimes and that is stressful. We were told to find a baby. We looked everywhere for baby. Many cradles checked. Very thorough. Nobody told us baby would get bigger. That is a management communication issue, not a performance issue. I would like this noted in my review.

The cafeteria food is okay. The bunks are damp. The green fire everywhere is spooky but you get used to it. Three stars for the fire. Zero stars for being screamed at by a dragon. Net: three stars.

One star. I was imprisoned in the dungeon, which smelled like damp stone and regret. The chains were rusty. The goons guarding me kept checking my cell for a baby, which was confusing. Three fairies broke me out, gave me a magic sword, and then the owner turned into a DRAGON and tried to kill me.

I stabbed the dragon. I'm not proud of it but I'm also not sorry. The thorn garden was impressive, I'll give her that. Very thick. Very thorny. Required a magic sword to get through. One star for the dungeon. Negative stars for the attempted murder. Net: one star, and I am being generous.

CAW. Five stars. Excellent perch. Good visibility. Mistress appreciates competence. The goons are idiots — I found the princess in three days. THREE DAYS. The goons had sixteen years and checked cradles. I am a BIRD and I outperformed an entire army. Five stars for the perch. The thermals around the Forbidden Mountain are excellent for soaring. CAW.