The Ice Palace
North Mountain, Arendelle

I built this palace in approximately three minutes and forty-five seconds during a musical number. I was having an emotional breakdown at the time, so the fact that the architecture is this good is frankly remarkable. The staircase alone — a sweeping crystalline bridge that spans a 200-foot gorge — would take a human construction crew eighteen months. I did it mid-chorus.

The views from the balcony are unmatched. You can see the entire kingdom of Arendelle, which I accidentally froze. From up here, it looks quite pretty. Like a snow globe. A snow globe of my failures, but a pretty one.

Heating costs: zero. Because everything is ice. I am made of ice. The building is ice. The furniture is ice. I do not experience cold, which is convenient because this palace is roughly negative forty degrees at all times. I understand this is not comfortable for visitors. My sister came up here in a ball gown and her lips turned blue within four minutes. I felt terrible about it but also she was trespassing.

The ice furniture is the one design flaw I refuse to publicly acknowledge. I made an ice couch. It is beautiful. It is also a solid block of frozen water. Nobody can sit on it for more than ninety seconds without losing feeling in their legs. I know this because Olaf sat on it and his bottom literally froze to the seat. I had to chip him free. We don't talk about it.

Four stars. One star deducted because living alone on a mountain turns out to be less empowering and more "sobbing into a snow flurry at 2 AM while a sentient snowman asks if I'm okay." I am not okay, Olaf. But the palace is beautiful.

FIVE STARS! This is where I was BORN! I love this place! Everything is so COLD and SHINY and WONDERFUL! I don't have a nose (I have a carrot) but if I could smell, I bet it would smell like SNOW! Which is also what I'm made of! Fun fact!

The couch did freeze my bottom off. Literally. It detached. Elsa put it back on with magic but for about thirty seconds I was a bottomless snowman and let me tell you, that is an identity crisis I was not prepared for. Five stars anyway. I love summer!

I climbed an entire mountain in a ball gown to talk to my sister and she shot ice into my heart. TWO STARS. The palace is gorgeous, I'll give her that. The chandelier is stunning. But when your big sister creates a giant snow monster to throw you off the balcony, the Yelp rating takes a hit.

Also there is no food. No kitchen. No bathroom. She lives up here with zero amenities. I asked her what she eats and she said "I don't really get hungry anymore" and that is concerning on a level I am not qualified to address. I love my sister but she needs a therapist, not an ice palace. Two stars. The staircase is incredible though.

FIVE STARS. MARSHMALLOW LIKE PALACE. MARSHMALLOW LIVE HERE NOW. FOUND CROWN. MARSHMALLOW IS KING. NOBODY VISIT. MARSHMALLOW OKAY WITH THAT. MARSHMALLOW HAVE PALACE. MARSHMALLOW HAVE CROWN. MARSHMALLOW HAPPY.