Mordor
Barad-dur & Surrounding Wasteland

Let me start with the positives. The eye decor at the top of Barad-dur is VERY on-brand. I am a giant flaming eye and my tower has a giant flaming eye on it. The branding is cohesive. My interior designer (me, I am also the interior designer) did an excellent job. The lava motif throughout the Plateau of Gorgoroth creates a consistent aesthetic that screams "do not come here," which is exactly the message I was going for.

Now the negatives. This place has ZERO Yelp presence. I am the most powerful entity in Middle-earth and my fortress does not appear on a single review site. I searched "evil towers near me" and got results for Orthanc. ORTHANC. Saruman's knockoff? That man is my EMPLOYEE and he's outranking me in local search. I want to speak to a manager at Yelp but I cannot because Yelp does not exist in this realm, which is the real problem.

The Black Gate is architecturally imposing, but the lack of a proper guest entrance means that legitimate visitors cannot enter without assembling an army. I had a Ring-delivery expected and the courier just stood outside the gate for three days because nobody told the Mouth of Sauron to open it. The Mouth of Sauron, by the way, is terrible at customer service. He literally just talks about despair and doom. I have asked him to greet visitors with something more approachable and he said "there is no life in the void" and walked away.

Mount Doom is useful for forging jewelry but the fumes are unbearable. I have lost nine Nazgul to respiratory complaints. They don't technically breathe, but they complain about it anyway. Three stars because the location is strategic, the views of ash and suffering are unmatched, and nobody has ever given me fewer than three stars and lived.

The stables for my fell beast are too small. The beast barely fits and it screams all night. The other Nazgul have complained. I told them that no man can kill me and also no man can file a valid noise complaint against me. They did not find this funny. The commute from Minas Morgul is 47 leagues and the boss still expects me at the morning briefing by 6 AM.

There is no Wi-Fi. I know that Wi-Fi has not been invented. But the fact that I cannot even check the Palantir from my quarters is absurd. Sauron monopolizes the Palantir and uses it exclusively to stare at people. I have asked for a shared calendar and he said "I see all" and that was the end of the conversation.

One star. I would give zero if I could. The signage is nonexistent. We walked for months and there was not a single "You Are Here" kiosk anywhere in Mordor. The terrain is entirely volcanic rock. There is no shade. There is no water. There are no rest stops. I lost a finger. My travel companion tried to eat me. The only restaurant in the entire country is a spider.

I will say the volcano had a nice view from the top. But then I threw my jewelry in it and the whole place collapsed, so I cannot in good conscience recommend the experience.

Four stars, precious. The caves are nice, yesss. Dark and wet, just how we likes it. Good fish in the underground pools. No nasty hobbitses to bother us. Very quiet. Very precious.

Smeagol wants to give five stars but Gollum says the lava pit has no safety railing and that is an OSHA violation, precious. We fell in. We are writing this review from the lava. One star deducted for the safety issue. Otherwise, very nice. Would visit again (we cannot, we are on fire).