Chamber of Secrets
Hogwarts School, Basement Level -7

I am the Heir of Slytherin. I speak Parseltongue. I have conquered death itself. And the entrance to my secret chamber — the culmination of Salazar Slytherin's thousand-year legacy — is a BATHROOM SINK. In a GIRLS' LAVATORY. On the SECOND FLOOR.

Do you have any idea what it is like to hiss at a faucet while a ghost named Myrtle watches you? She cries the entire time. The entire time. I am opening the gateway to an ancient basilisk and a dead teenager is sobbing about how she died in this bathroom fifty years ago. I KNOW she died here. I killed her. Can we move on.

The chamber itself is architecturally impressive — I will give Salazar that. The serpent pillars are dramatic. The giant statue of his face is a bold design choice. But the upkeep has been nonexistent for a millennium. There is standing water everywhere. The basilisk left shed skin in every corridor. Nobody has dusted since the Middle Ages.

And the plumbing — I must return to the plumbing because it haunts me. At some point in the 20th century, Hogwarts underwent a bathroom renovation and someone installed MODERN TOILETS directly on top of the ancient entrance to the Chamber of Secrets. A plumber looked at the entrance to the most dangerous room in the wizarding world and said "this is where the toilet goes." I have never been more angry and I once lost my body for 13 years.

Two stars. One for the architecture. One for the basilisk, who was an excellent pet until a twelve-year-old stabbed it in the mouth with a sword. I need to find a new lair. Possibly one with a front door.

ONE STAR. I DIED here. I literally DIED in this bathroom and nobody even put up a memorial plaque. They just installed new sinks OVER the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets like nothing happened. Like I didn't look a giant snake in the eye and immediately stop being alive. The disrespect is staggering.

And then people keep coming into MY bathroom to open the secret entrance and they never even say hello. They just hiss at the sink and jump down the pipe. Not a single person has asked how I'm doing. I'm doing TERRIBLY, in case anyone cares. Which they don't.

The slide down the pipe was fun for exactly two seconds before I landed in a pile of rat bones. The corridor smelled like something between "ancient evil" and "wet dog." There was a giant snake that tried to kill me. A diary tried to steal my best friend's soul. A bird dropped a hat on my head and I used a sword that came out of the hat to stab the snake. I was twelve.

Two stars because the slide was genuinely kind of cool before the attempted murder started. Also, the acoustics down there are incredible. My screams echoed beautifully.

Five stars! What a magnificent chamber! I single-handedly defeated the basilisk using only my charm and a well-timed Memory Charm. The serpent was no match for my award-winning smile. I would tell you more about the experience but I seem to have forgotten absolutely everything about my life, including my name, which the nurses tell me is Gilderoy. What a lovely name. Five stars for whoever Gilderoy is.