Season 1 · Episode 4
Hulk
Every Tour Is a Demolition
Dr. Bruce Banner is a nuclear physicist on a modest government salary. He needs reinforced walls, impact-resistant flooring, and a neighborhood that doesn't ask questions about noise. The problem is that he keeps getting excited about the houses and accidentally destroying them mid-tour. His realtor, Greg, has quit twice. It is the first showing.
Meet the Buyer
Dr. Bruce Banner, 41, Nuclear Physicist
NARRATOR: Dr. Bruce Banner is a 41-year-old nuclear physicist looking for a home that can withstand what he calls "occasional structural stress events." He has been denied homeowner's insurance by every major provider.
BRUCE: I need reinforced walls. Steel-core, ideally. Impact-resistant flooring. Ceilings rated for at least 20,000 PSI. And neighbors who are either deaf or very understanding.
REALTOR GREG: Can I ask why?
BRUCE: I have a... condition. When I get excited — happy, angry, surprised, anything really — there can be... consequences.
GREG: Like anxiety?
BRUCE: Sure. Like anxiety. But with more... structural damage.
GREG: Budget?
BRUCE: $280,000. Government scientist salary. Seven PhDs but I make less than a mid-level accountant. It's fine. I'm fine. I just need to stay calm. Stay very calm.
Bruce closes his eyes and does a breathing exercise. The ground trembles slightly. Greg pretends not to notice.
House #1
The Suburban Ranch — $265K
3 Bed · 2 Bath · Open Floor Plan · Not Reinforced
GREG: This is a lovely three-bedroom ranch in a quiet neighborhood. Open floor plan, updated kitchen—
BRUCE: I love the kitchen! The countertops are beautiful. Is that quartz? I love quar—
Bruce's skin flickers green. His shirt stretches audibly.
BRUCE: *breathing rapidly* I'm fine. I'm fine. I just got excited about the countertops. Give me a second.
GREG: ...Are you okay?
BRUCE: DON'T ASK IF I'M OKAY, IT MAKES IT—
The transformation happens. In 1.3 seconds, Bruce Banner becomes the Hulk. The kitchen island explodes. The quartz countertops shatter. The refrigerator goes through the wall and lands in the neighbor's yard.
HULK: HULK LOVE KITCHEN TOO.
The kitchen is gone. Where there was once an open floor plan, there is now an open-air lot.
HULK: *looking at destroyed kitchen* KITCHEN... GONE?
HULK: HULK SORRY. HULK JUST REALLY LIKED QUARTZ.
GREG: I quit.
PROS
- • Under budget ($265K)
- • Nice kitchen (was nice)
- • Good neighborhood (was quiet)
CONS
- • Kitchen no longer exists
- • Refrigerator is in the neighbor's yard
- • Realtor quit (quit #1)
- • Not reinforced (confirmed)
GREG'S INNER MONOLOGUE: He destroyed the kitchen because he liked it too much. He LIKED IT. What happens when he doesn't like something? I need to leave this profession. I'm going to sell insurance. No. Wait. He can't GET insurance. Nowhere is safe.
House #2
The Converted Bunker — $310K
2 Bed · 1 Bath · Steel-Reinforced · Underground
NARRATOR: Greg un-quit after Bruce offered to pay for the destroyed kitchen. They are now touring a converted military bunker.
GREG: *standing 30 feet away from Bruce at all times* This is a decommissioned military bunker converted into a two-bedroom home. Steel-reinforced walls. Blast-rated doors. Impact-resistant everything.
BRUCE: This is more like it. What are the walls rated to?
GREG: It was designed to survive a direct missile strike.
BRUCE: That should be enough for a Tuesday.
GREG: ...What happens on Tuesdays?
BRUCE: Nothing. Tuesdays are fine. It's Wednesdays I worry about. And sometimes Thursdays. Fridays are unpredictable.
Bruce opens a blast-rated door. It doesn't break. His eyes water slightly with emotion.
BRUCE: A door that doesn't break when I open it. Do you know how long it's been since I've opened a door without destroying it?
GREG: *quietly, from 30 feet away* That's... great, Bruce.
BRUCE: It's over budget, though. $310K.
GREG: You could negotiate—
BRUCE: I DON'T WANT TO NEGOTIATE, I JUST WANT A HOUSE THAT DOESN'T FALL DOWN WHEN I'M HAPPY ABOUT—
The floor cracks. The blast-rated door bends slightly. One wall develops a dent in the shape of a fist that nobody saw get thrown.
BRUCE: *back to normal, panting* ...See, this is why I need reinforced.
GREG: I quit again.
PROS
- • Missile-strike-rated walls
- • Blast doors (mostly survived)
- • Underground (no neighbors to disturb)
- • Bruce opened a door without breaking it (briefly)
CONS
- • Over budget ($310K)
- • Fist-shaped dent appeared during tour
- • Blast door now slightly bent
- • Greg quit again (quit #2)
House #3
The Remote Cabin — $89K
1 Bed · 1 Bath · 200 Acres · Nearest Neighbor: 12 Miles
NARRATOR: Greg has un-quit a second time, this time demanding hazard pay. Bruce agreed. They are now in rural Montana, looking at a one-bedroom cabin with no neighbors for twelve miles in any direction.
GREG: *staying in the car, using binoculars* This cabin sits on 200 acres. One bedroom, one bathroom, a small kitchen. Your nearest neighbor is 12 miles east.
BRUCE: You're not coming inside?
GREG: I've decided to do the rest of this showing from the car.
BRUCE: That's fair.
Bruce walks through the cabin alone. It's tiny. The kitchen has two burners and a sink. The bedroom fits a twin bed. The bathroom is technically a closet with plumbing. It is the most beautiful thing Bruce Banner has ever seen.
BRUCE: *voice cracking* It's so small. If I... if the other guy shows up... the property damage would be minimal. There's nothing to break. It's just a cabin and 200 acres of empty land.
GREG: *through a walkie-talkie* That's the spirit?
BRUCE: The kitchen is tiny. I love it. It's so small that even if I destroy it, the replacement cost is like $3,000. Do you know what it's like to love a kitchen you can afford to destroy?
GREG: *into walkie-talkie* No, Bruce. I do not.
PROS
- • Way under budget ($89K)
- • No neighbors for 12 miles
- • Small enough that destruction is affordable
- • 200 acres to smash freely
CONS
- • 1 bedroom (twin bed only)
- • Kitchen has 2 burners
- • No cell service (maybe a pro?)
- • 4 hours from the nearest lab
The Decision
And the Winner Is...
BRUCE: I'm going with the cabin. It's small, it's remote, and if I accidentally destroy it, I can rebuild it for less than a used car. That's the dream.
GREG: *from the car* Great choice.
BRUCE: I also want to buy the bunker as a backup. For bad days.
GREG: You want two properties?
BRUCE: One for normal Bruce. One for... not-normal Bruce. It's a wellness strategy.
GREG: I've never had a client describe a $310,000 military bunker as a "wellness strategy" before, but sure.
3 Months Later
The Update
NARRATOR: It's been three months since Bruce purchased the Montana cabin and the military bunker.
BRUCE: The cabin is on its fourth kitchen. But at $3,000 per kitchen, I'm still under budget for the year. The bunker is my Wednesday-through-Friday situation. The walls have held up surprisingly well, except for the one I punched through in a disagreement with a research paper I was peer-reviewing.
NARRATOR: A research paper made you angry enough to punch through a missile-rated wall?
BRUCE: Their methodology was DEEPLY FLAWED and their sample size was LAUGHABLE and— *takes a breath* ...I'm doing the breathing exercises now. It's fine. The wall is... it's being repaired.
NARRATOR: And the neighbors?
BRUCE: The nearest one is 12 miles away and she came by once to bring cookies. I ate them calmly. Nothing was destroyed. It was the best day of my year.
NARRATOR: And realtor Greg?
GREG: I now exclusively sell vacant lots. No structures. No kitchens. Nothing to destroy. My stress levels have improved dramatically. I still flinch when I hear someone say "quartz countertops," but my therapist says that's normal. She also says it isn't normal. She's conflicted.
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