Wolverine
Just Give Me a Cabin

NARRATOR: Logan is a man of few words and even fewer personal details. When asked his age, he said "old." When asked his occupation, he said "none of your business." When asked his budget, he emptied his jacket pockets onto the table.

REALTOR SANDRA: That's... $837 in cash, a cigar, and what appears to be a dog tag from World War II.

LOGAN: That's the budget.

SANDRA: $837 is not a house budget. That's a grocery budget.

LOGAN: I've lived in worse places for less money. I once slept in a cave for six years. A cabin is luxury. Find me a cabin.

SANDRA: What are your requirements?

LOGAN: A roof. Trees nearby. No neighbors. If it has a door, that's a bonus.

SANDRA: That's it?

LOGAN: That's it. Don't show me anything fancy. I don't want granite. I don't want stainless steel. I don't want an open concept. I want a roof and some peace.

SANDRA: *already planning to show luxury homes for the commission* Let's see what's available.

SANDRA: This stunning mountain lodge features five bedrooms, a gourmet kitchen, floor-to-ceiling windows—

LOGAN: Too many windows.

SANDRA: The windows frame the mountain views—

LOGAN: Too many windows means too many entry points. Also too many neighbors. How many neighbors?

SANDRA: The nearest property is half a mile—

LOGAN: Half a mile? I can SMELL someone from half a mile. That's not privacy. That's proximity.

SANDRA: The kitchen has granite countertops—

LOGAN: I said no granite. *leans on the counter, three parallel scratches appear instantly in the granite surface*

SANDRA: Did you just scratch the granite?

LOGAN: It was already scratched.

SANDRA: Those are three perfectly parallel lines. In granite. Which is one of the hardest natural stones.

LOGAN: Cheap granite. Next house.

SANDRA'S INNER MONOLOGUE: He scratched granite with his bare hands. Three perfect parallel lines in stone that requires diamond-tipped blades to cut. He then blamed the granite. His fingernails look normal but they definitely are not normal. He can smell people from half a mile away. I should not have shown him the luxury lodge. He did warn me.

SANDRA: This modern farmhouse has an open concept living space—

LOGAN: I said no open concept.

SANDRA: Shiplap accent walls—

LOGAN: What is shiplap?

SANDRA: It's decorative wood planking—

LOGAN: So it's wood pretending to be fancy. I hate it. *drags his hand along the shiplap, five deep gouges appear in the wood*

SANDRA: LOGAN.

LOGAN: What? It's pine. Pine is soft. A raccoon could do that.

SANDRA: A raccoon could not do that. Nothing could do that. Your hands should not be able to do that.

LOGAN: I have strong hands. From... woodworking. I do a lot of woodworking.

SANDRA: The barn has been converted into a yoga studio—

LOGAN: *walks out*

Logan is now standing in the yard, smoking a cigar, staring at the trees with an expression that says "I would rather live in those trees than spend one more minute in this shiplap nightmare."

SANDRA: Okay, this is... this is the cheapest listing I could find. One room. An outhouse. A wood stove. The nearest person is eight miles away. There's no running water. The electricity is... optional.

LOGAN: *already sitting on the porch, cigar lit, staring at the forest* It has a roof.

SANDRA: It barely has a roof. There are holes.

LOGAN: I'll patch them. What's the wood stove situation?

SANDRA: Cast iron. It works. The chimney needs cleaning.

LOGAN: I'll clean it. Trees?

SANDRA: A hundred acres of old-growth forest.

LOGAN: Neighbors?

SANDRA: Eight miles.

LOGAN: *takes a long drag on the cigar* Good enough.

SANDRA: You don't want to see the inside?

LOGAN: I can see the inside from here. It's one room. There's a stove and a cot. That's a home. All that other stuff — the shiplap, the granite, the open concept — that's just noise. This is quiet. I need quiet.

SANDRA: It's $12,000.

LOGAN: I'll come back with the rest. *puts the $837 on the porch railing* That's a deposit.

LOGAN: The cabin. Obviously.

SANDRA: You didn't even go inside.

LOGAN: Didn't need to. It has a roof. Trees. No people. That's the whole list. I told you the list at the beginning. You didn't listen. You showed me a million-dollar lodge and a yoga barn. I asked for a cabin.

SANDRA: My commission on $12,000 is—

LOGAN: Not my problem, bub.