007's Quarterly
Expense Report

Auditor's note: Destroyed. Again. This is the fourth this quarter.

Auditor's note: Driven into a lake. Bond claims it ‘transformed into a submarine.’ IT confirms this is technically true.

Auditor's note: Destroyed via helicopter-mounted machine gun fire. Classified as ‘normal wear and tear.’

Auditor's note: Currently intact. Give it a week.

Auditor's note: What category is this? There is no GL code for jetpack.

Auditor's note: At £9,000 each. Bond claims they are ‘mission-critical.’ They are not. He wears them to the office.

Auditor's note: Average lifespan: 6 hours. Primary cause of destruction: gunfire, explosions, seduction.

Auditor's note: That is 47 martinis in 90 days. That is a martini every 1.9 days. This was flagged by our wellness program.

Auditor's note: Bond WON this back plus £115M. Finance is unsure how to classify ‘gambling winnings from a terrorist.’

Auditor's note: Consumed across 9 countries. Bond claims these were ‘operational cover.’ The receipts suggest otherwise.

Auditor's note: Always the penthouse. Always destroyed. The Ritz has banned him from three locations.

Auditor's note: He loses guns the way normal people lose pens.

Auditor's note: None returned. Q has submitted 14 separate complaints. Bond claims they were ‘used up.’

Auditor's note: Includes: one Istanbul bazaar, one Venice building (sank), one Alpine ski resort (partial).

Auditor's note: Smoothing over relations with 7 countries after Bond ‘resolved situations’ in their jurisdiction.

Auditor's note: We stopped asking questions about this line item two years ago.

Agent Bond, thank you for finally attending your expense review. This meeting was originally scheduled for January. It is now March.

I was unavailable in January. And February. I was in… the field.

In the field. Right. Let’s start with transportation. You claimed four Aston Martin DB5s this quarter. Four. The same car, four times.

It’s a reliable vehicle.

It has a 100% destruction rate. That is the opposite of reliable.

It reliably gets me to where I need to be. What happens after that is operational.

You also claimed a jetpack. What exactly is a jetpack classified as, Agent Bond?

Transportation.

There is no GL code for jetpack. I’ve checked. I’ve spent three weeks trying to find a GL code for jetpack. The closest I found is ‘air travel — charter,’ but that feels insufficient.

I trust your accounting judgment, Gerald.

Let’s move to wardrobe. Twelve tuxedos. In one quarter. At nine thousand pounds each.

Mission-critical. I cannot infiltrate a gala in business casual.

You wore one of these tuxedos to our last meeting. This meeting. Right now. You are wearing a nine-thousand-pound Tom Ford tuxedo in the MI6 accounting department.

Standards, Gerald. Standards.

Your martini expenses. Forty-seven martinis in ninety days. Our wellness program has flagged this.

Editor's note: Bond does not look concerned.

Shaken, not stirred. Each one. The bartenders always confirm.

That’s not… the wellness concern isn’t about how they’re prepared, it’s about the volume—

Next item.

The casino. You claimed a ten-million-pound poker buy-in. Which you won back, along with an additional hundred and fifteen million. How do I classify ‘gambling winnings obtained from a terrorist arms dealer during an operation?’

Revenue.

MI6 does not have a revenue line. We are a government agency.

Perhaps you should.

The structural damage. Twelve million, four hundred thousand pounds. You destroyed a bazaar in Istanbul, sank a building in Venice, and partially demolished a ski resort in the Alps.

The bazaar was already in poor condition. I improved the ventilation. The Venice building was sinking anyway — I merely accelerated a natural process. The ski resort was collateral.

And the diplomatic fees? Eight million, seven hundred thousand pounds to smooth things over with seven countries?

I saved those countries. They should be thanking us.

[Puts down pen. Removes glasses. Long pause.] Agent Bond, I have been an accountant at MI6 for twenty-three years. When I started, I processed expense reports for desk analysts. Printer ink. Train tickets. The occasional working lunch.

Editor's note: Gerald is having a moment of existential clarity.

Then they assigned me to the 00 programme. And now I spend my days trying to find GL codes for jetpacks and categorizing ‘submarine cars’ and explaining to Treasury why an agent claimed forty-five thousand pounds in funeral expenses with no further documentation.

Gerald. You provide an invaluable service to Queen and country.

[Quietly] Total expenses this quarter: twenty-eight million, six hundred and fifty-nine thousand, one hundred and ninety pounds. Approved. Take it. Just… take it.

Editor's note: Gerald will submit his resignation the following Tuesday. He will be talked out of it by M.

Create GL code for jetpacks

Status: Gerald has given up

Return Q-Branch equipment (any of it)

Status: Bond says it was ‘used up’

Follow up on 47-martini consumption flag

Status: Bond has not responded to the wellness survey

Factor 100% destruction rate into equipment budget

Status: Q is considering resignation

Determine classification for £115M casino winnings

Status: Interdepartmental committee formed