Thanos Presents His
Sustainability Plan

Welcome, Mr. Thanos. Thank you for presenting your sustainability proposal. The board is very excited about ESG initiatives this quarter.

Thank you. I will be brief. The universe has a resource problem. I have a solution. It is elegant, inevitable, and will achieve our sustainability targets in a single quarter.

Wonderful. Please proceed with your presentation.

Slide one. The problem. Resource consumption across all sectors is growing at an unsustainable rate. Population growth outpaces supply. Without intervention, we face collapse within two generations.

Strong opening. Very data-driven. I like the sense of urgency.

Slide two. The solution. We reduce resource consumption by exactly 50%. Not 49%. Not 51%. Fifty percent. Across all sectors. Simultaneously. In one action.

That’s aggressive but ambitious. What’s the implementation timeline?

Instantaneous. One snap— one decisive action, and the target is achieved. No phased rollout. No pilot program. Complete implementation in approximately one second.

One second? That’s remarkable efficiency. Most sustainability programs take five to ten years.

Those programs lack commitment. I do not lack commitment.

Editor's note: He places the Infinity Gauntlet on the conference table. Nobody comments on it.

How do you achieve a 50% reduction across all sectors simultaneously? Is this a new technology?

It is a technology, yes. I call it ‘The Snap.’ It operates at a universal scale. The mechanism is simple: we reduce the number of resource consumers by 50%.

Reduce the number of consumers? You mean change consumer behavior?

No. I mean reduce the number of consumers. By 50%. The remaining consumers will have twice the resources. The math is elegant.

I’m not sure I follow the methodology. When you say ‘reduce the number of consumers,’ do you mean through education? Awareness campaigns?

No. I mean they will cease to exist. Randomly. Fairly. Without bias or prejudice. Rich and poor alike. It is the most equitable sustainability program ever conceived.

…I’m sorry, are you suggesting—

I am not suggesting. I am proposing. There is a difference. Suggestions are optional. This is inevitable.

Let’s… let’s look at the next slide. What does the financial model look like?

Slide three. Financial impact. With 50% fewer consumers, per-capita resource availability doubles overnight. GDP per capita increases. Healthcare costs drop by approximately 50%. Housing crisis: solved. Traffic: reduced by half. The S&P 500 will need to recalibrate, but the surviving companies will see unprecedented margin expansion.

The margins do look compelling in your projections.

They are not projections. They are certainties. I have run this scenario on Titan. The results were…

Editor's note: He pauses. Something briefly crosses his face.

What happened on Titan?

Titan did not implement my plan. Titan no longer exists. This is my reference case for the ‘do nothing’ scenario.

Moving on. What about stakeholder engagement? Have you consulted with the affected populations?

Stakeholder engagement is not required. The beauty of a random, universal selection is that no one is targeted. There are no affected populations. There is simply… less population. Everyone has an equal chance. That is equity.

The ESG team will want to review the equity metrics. This does sound equitable on paper.

Wait. I want to go back. When you say ‘cease to exist’— are we talking about literally disintegrating half of all living beings?

Yes. They turn to dust. Painlessly. Quietly. They simply... dissolve. Like a gentle wind.

That’s genocide.

That is a word people use when they lack the vision to see the larger picture. I prefer ‘universal rebalancing.’ It sounds better in the annual report.

Editor's note: Marketing nods involuntarily.

I think we need to table this for further review. Perhaps the ethics committee—

Ethics committees are why Titan is gone. Endless deliberation while the world burns. I came here because I was told this board values decisive action. Was I misinformed?

…We do value decisive action.

Then let us vote. The motion is simple: implement the 50% Resource Rebalancing Initiative. All in favor?

[Slowly raises hand]

Editor's note: She has not read the appendix.

The… the ESG metrics are quite strong… [raises hand]

I am not raising my hand. This is insane.

[Looks at David calmly.] The vote passes with a majority. Thank you for your time. The implementation will begin at my discretion. You will not need to do anything. In fact, approximately half of you will not need to do anything ever again.

Did he just— did he just threaten us?

I think he just got board approval for genocide with better branding.

Editor's note: Minutes filed under: ESG Initiatives, Q4.

Implement 50% Resource Rebalancing Initiative

Status: Inevitable

Review methodology (if still in existence post-implementation)

Status: Committee not yet convened

Rebrand ‘universal genocide’ as ‘resource rebalancing’ for annual report

Status: Draft copy already written

File formal objection to sustainability plan

Status: Outvoted

Determine if ‘snapping half of existence’ violates any existing corporate bylaws

Status: No precedent found