Cross-Functional
Team Assembly

NICK FURY, DIRECTOR OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

Thank you all for — Stark, you're twelve minutes late.

And you're eating.

TONY STARK / IRON MAN

I was in Malibu. You called me forty minutes ago. Do you know how fast I had to fly to get here? Also this is a cheeseburger, not a personal attack, Nick. Want one? I had JARVIS order twelve. They're in the hall.

Also, nice helicarrier. Very "evil villain lair." Love the aesthetic. Did you hire a decorator or did it come pre-intimidating?

NICK FURY

Sit. Down. We have an alien invasion to discuss and I am not in the mood for your —

TONY STARK

[Still standing, examining the conference room] Is this table vibranium? It's not vibranium. I can tell. I would have used vibranium. Also better lighting. This is very fluorescent for a secret spy organization. Very DMV.

STEVE ROGERS / CAPTAIN AMERICA

Director Fury, I read the briefing materials. All twelve pages. Twice. I have questions about the Tesseract. We had a similar situation in 1943 when HYDRA —

I'm sorry, can someone explain this display? In my day, we used maps. Paper maps. With pins. This thing keeps moving and I don't know if I'm zooming or rotating or what.

TONY STARK

Oh, this is going to be fun. Capsicle can't use a touch screen. Did S.H.I.E.L.D. at least give you the tutorial? There's a YouTube video — oh wait, do you know what YouTube is?

STEVE ROGERS

I know what YouTube is. Agent Hill showed me. I watched a three-hour documentary about what happened since 1945. It was very upsetting. You people went to the moon and then just … stopped?

AGENT PHIL COULSON (NOTETAKER)

[Whispering intensely] Captain Rogers, I just want to say, it is an absolute honor. I watched all your training films growing up. I have your original trading cards. Not a complete set — I'm missing two — but I've been looking. If you could sign —

Sorry. I'll take notes. That's what I'm here for. Notes. [Writes "CAPTAIN AMERICA IS RIGHT THERE" in notebook.]

NICK FURY

Coulson. Notes. Focus. — Now, I'm going to bring up the threat assessment. Loki, brother of Thor, has taken the Tesseract from our facility and compromised several of our agents. He has mind-control capabilities and what appears to be a very large ego. Thor, can you give us some background on your brother?

THOR, SON OF ODIN

Loki is my brother. He is adopted. He has always been … dramatic. On Asgard he once turned into a snake because he knows I love snakes, and when I picked it up, he transformed back and said "BLEH, it's me!" and stabbed me. We were eight.

I shall defeat him alone. I do not need the assistance of mortals. No offense to the mortals present. You are all very … short and fragile but I'm sure you try your best.

NICK FURY

This is a TEAM meeting, Thor. That is literally the entire point. We are forming a TEAM. The word "team" is in the project charter. I have a slide about it.

THOR

On Asgard, we do not have "team meetings." We have feasts. And then we fight. Sometimes we fight at the feasts. It is more efficient.

NATASHA ROMANOFF / BLACK WIDOW

[Pulling up threat intel on her tablet] If we could focus for thirty seconds: Loki was spotted in Stuttgart three hours ago. He's not hiding. He wants attention. My assessment is that the Tesseract is being used to open a portal — the energy signatures match the readings from the New Mexico incident.

I have a 14-page threat analysis with satellite imagery, intercepted communications, and a psychological profile of Loki based on Asgardian historical records that Thor provided. Which, by the way, were mostly illustrated. In crayon.

THOR

Those are ANCIENT ASGARDIAN MANUSCRIPTS. The medium is irrelevant!

CLINT BARTON / HAWKEYE

Quick question for the room: did anyone read the pre-read? I sent it Tuesday. Twelve pages. Executive summary. Color-coded threat matrix. SWOT analysis of Loki's capabilities. I even included a glossary of Asgardian terms so nobody would have to ask Thor to explain things during the meeting.

Show of hands. Anyone? … Anyone at all?

TONY STARK

I had JARVIS summarize it. He said, and I quote, "An alien with a glow stick wants to rule the world. The usual." I feel sufficiently briefed.

CLINT BARTON

I spent six hours on that pre-read, Stark. Six. Hours. There were charts. I made CHARTS.

You know what, this is exactly like the Budapest debrief. Nobody reads the pre-read and then everyone spends the meeting asking questions that were answered on page three.

NATASHA ROMANOFF

You and I remember Budapest very differently.

BRUCE BANNER / THE HULK

[Sitting very still, speaking quietly] So, um, before we go further — I have a procedural question. What exactly is the protocol if I … have an incident? In this room? Because this room is very enclosed. And there are a lot of breakable things. And people. Breakable people.

I'm just asking for planning purposes.

[ROOM]

[Extended silence. Everyone looks at each other. Fury's eye narrows. Coulson stops writing. Tony takes a very slow bite of his cheeseburger.]

NICK FURY

The protocol is: don't have an incident.

BRUCE BANNER

Right. Great protocol. Very comprehensive. I feel very safe. Has anyone seen the reinforcement specs on these walls? Because I have, and I'm telling you, they would not hold up.

I'm fine, by the way. Totally fine. Just … keep the decibel level down and nobody poke me with anything sharp. Or dull. Just don't poke me.

TONY STARK

[Leaning toward Banner] I'm a huge fan of your work on anti-electron collisions. Also the turning-into-a-giant-rage-monster thing. Is it a curse? Is it fun? Can I study you? I have a lab.

How many times have you broken a conference table? I need a number. For science.

BRUCE BANNER

I don't keep count. But it's … a lot.

STEVE ROGERS

Okay, let's discuss leadership. Somebody needs to be in charge. In the field, you need a clear chain of command. In 1944, I led the Howling Commandos and we had a very effective organizational structure —

TONY STARK

Are you seriously bringing up 1944 right now? I'm sorry, did we travel back in time? Do I need to build a time machine? Because I probably could, by the way. Give me a weekend.

Look, if we're talking leadership, I have the most resources, the most tech, the tallest building with my name on it, and the only suit that can fly, shoot lasers, AND make espresso. So.

STEVE ROGERS

Leadership isn't about having the fanciest equipment, Stark. It's about making the hard calls. Sacrifice. Putting the team first. You know, the kind of thing you do when you're not busy putting your name on buildings.

TONY STARK

Oh that's rich coming from a guy whose entire brand is a flag.

STEVE ROGERS

It's not a brand, it's a symbol. Of freedom. Of —

TONY STARK

You literally wear an American flag. You ARE a brand. You're basically a walking Fourth of July commercial. You should have a jingle.

NICK FURY

ENOUGH. Both of you. We will table the leadership discussion. Moving on. Budget.

TONY STARK

Budget? I'll fund everything. All of it. The whole operation. Consider it handled. I make more in interest on a Tuesday than S.H.I.E.L.D.'s annual budget.

BUT — I have conditions. First, I want naming rights. Stark Tower is already on the building. Why not the Stark Avengers? The Avengers, brought to you by Stark Industries? It's clean. It's corporate. It tests well in focus groups.

STEVE ROGERS

We are not putting a corporate sponsor on a superhero team. This isn't a NASCAR race.

TONY STARK

You clearly haven't seen how much NASCAR drivers make. Also, have you seen your shield? It's a giant circle. Perfect for a logo. I'm thinking Stark Industries on one side, Avengers on the other. Reversible branding.

CLINT BARTON

While you two argue about logos, can we discuss the actual per diem situation? I have been expensing my own arrows for three years. Do you know how much a vibranium-tipped broadhead costs? I don't either because S.H.I.E.L.D. Procurement won't return my emails.

NATASHA ROMANOFF

My expense reports are classified.

NICK FURY

Your expense reports are terrifying is what they are. Moving on. Uniforms.

TONY STARK

Okay, I've been waiting for this agenda item. Cap, we need to talk about your outfit. It's very … 1943. The wings on the helmet? The little "A"? The red boots? You look like a USO performer who got lost at a Renaissance faire.

I had my design team mock up some options. Sleeker. More modern. Less "I sell war bonds."

STEVE ROGERS

There is nothing wrong with my uniform. It's classic. It's functional. It struck fear into the hearts of HYDRA. And I DID sell war bonds, Tony. That was an important part of the war effort.

THOR

I will only wear Asgardian armor forged in the heart of a dying star. Your "uniforms" are quaint, but I cannot be seen in Midgardian textiles. My mother would be appalled.

BRUCE BANNER

Can I just point out that any uniform you give me will be destroyed the first time I … you know. So maybe just buy me stretchy pants in bulk. Purple ones. I've found purple ones hold up slightly longer. I don't know why. Don't ask me why. I'm a physicist, not a fashion designer.

TONY STARK

Stretchy purple pants. Got it. That's the Hulk's official uniform. Stretchy. Purple. Pants. Are we sure we want this on the action figures?

AGENT COULSON (NOTETAKER)

[Still writing] I just want to note for the record that Captain Rogers' uniform is perfect and should not be changed. This is an objective observation and has nothing to do with the fact that I own a replica.

Also, Captain Rogers, about those trading cards —

NICK FURY

Coulson!

AGENT COULSON

Notes. Right. Taking notes.

BRUCE BANNER

So — I'd like to revisit my earlier question about the structural integrity of this room. Because I can feel the tension in here and my heart rate monitor is at — [checks wrist] — okay it's fine. It's fine. We're fine. But could everyone just … lower their voices a little?

TONY STARK

[Loudly, because he cannot help himself] RELAX, BIG GUY. WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE.

BRUCE BANNER

Please don't do that.

THOR

[Slams fist on table enthusiastically] I LIKE THIS BANNER! HE HAS THE SPIRIT OF A BERSERKER! On Asgard we would —

[STAGE DIRECTION]

[The table cracks. Not from Thor — from Banner, whose hands have turned slightly green. He takes a deep breath. The green recedes. The table now has a very large crack down the middle. Everyone freezes.]

BRUCE BANNER

[Very quietly] I told you about the table.

NICK FURY

That is the THIRD conference table this quarter. Do you know how many requisition forms I have to fill out for a conference table on a helicarrier? SEVEN. Seven forms. One of them requires a signature from the WORLD SECURITY COUNCIL.

TONY STARK

I'll buy you a new table. Vibranium this time. Hulk-proof. Consider it a team-building expense. Tax-deductible.

STEVE ROGERS

Can we please get back to the actual threat? There is an alien army coming. I feel like we're burying the lede here.

CLINT BARTON

PAGE THREE OF THE PRE-READ, STEVE. It's all on page three. Troop estimates, portal mechanics, projected invasion timeline. If ANYONE had read it, we could have skipped the first ninety minutes of this meeting.

You know what, I'm going to start putting "quiz at the start of the meeting" on future agendas. Pop quiz. Five questions. If you fail, you don't get to talk for the first hour.

NATASHA ROMANOFF

I read it, Clint.

CLINT BARTON

I know you did, Nat. You're the only professional on this team.

NICK FURY

[Standing up, both palms on the cracked table] Let me be crystal clear. Loki has the Tesseract. He is opening a portal. An alien army is coming through that portal. The planet Earth — all of it, every country, every city, every Starbucks — is in danger. I brought you all together because you are the best. Or at least the most available.

So here is what is going to happen. You are going to stop arguing. You are going to stop eating cheeseburgers. You are going to stop asking about table warranties. You are going to work as a team, or so help me, I will find six OTHER dysfunctional people with superpowers and give THEM the cool jackets.

TONY STARK

We get jackets?

NICK FURY

NO ONE IS GETTING JACKETS. Meeting adjourned. I HAVE A COUNCIL TO ANSWER TO. Get your assignments from Coulson. Try not to break anything on your way out. Banner, take the stairs — the elevator makes you nervous and I cannot afford another elevator.

AGENT COULSON

[Quietly, to Captain Rogers, as everyone files out] So … the trading cards? I have a pen right here. It's a nice pen. It's S.H.I.E.L.D. issue. They only gave us twelve and I've been saving this one for a special —

STEVE ROGERS

[Smiling] Sure, Phil. I'll sign them after we save the world.

AGENT COULSON

[Writing in notebook] "CAPTAIN AMERICA KNOWS MY NAME."

Analyze the Tesseract energy signature and develop a tracking algorithm using Stark Industries satellite network

Tony agreed but is currently redesigning the Avengers logo instead

Develop team combat formations and field strategy playbook

In progress — Rogers submitted a hand-drawn playbook. On paper. With a pencil.

Provide complete intelligence briefing on Loki's capabilities, weaknesses, and known allies

Thor submitted a 3-page document that was mostly stories about childhood pranks

Set up gamma radiation detection lab to track the Tesseract

Lab is operational. Banner has requested everyone knock before entering. Loudly. From a distance.

Interrogate Loki upon capture to determine invasion timeline and portal location

Romanoff is the only person on this team Fury trusts to complete an action item

Establish perimeter defense protocols and sniper positions for the helicarrier

Completed 3 hours early. Also updated the pre-read. Nobody noticed.

Distribute meeting minutes and action items to all attendees

Minutes are 14 pages long, include a personal note to Captain Rogers, and have a 0% open rate

Replace the broken conference table with a Hulk-proof vibranium model

Tony ordered one but had 'PROPERTY OF STARK' engraved on it. Fury rejected it.

Read Barton's pre-read document before the next meeting

Probability of compliance: 0%

Tony Stark <tstark@starkindustries.com>

[Replied all with a GIF of a cheeseburger spinning in space. No text.]

Clint Barton <cbarton@shield.gov>

Please read the pre-read before the next meeting. I&apos;m begging you. I will bring donuts if everyone reads it. This is a bribe and I am not ashamed.

Thor Odinson <thor@asgard.realm>

I do not understand this &quot;electronic mail.&quot; Heimdall says my messages are being &quot;filtered to spam.&quot; I am not spam. I am the God of Thunder. Also, what is a Gantt chart?

Bruce Banner <bbanner@shield.gov>

Acknowledged. Also, can someone turn down the AC in the lab? The cold makes me irritable. You don&apos;t want me irritable. Please don&apos;t reply-all to this. The notification sounds are stressful.

Tony Stark <tstark@starkindustries.com>

[Reply-all] Noted, Banner. Turning the AC up. Wait, you said down. JARVIS, which way is calm? Never mind. Sending you a white noise machine. And a stress ball. And a therapist. The therapist is also for me. We can share.

Steve Rogers <srogers@shield.gov>

Acknowledged. Agent Coulson, your minutes are very thorough. One correction: I did not &quot;struggle&quot; with the holographic display. I was unfamiliar with the interface. There is a difference. Also, I will sign your trading cards. You don&apos;t have to keep asking.

Agent Coulson <pcoulson@shield.gov>

[Reply-all] ACKNOWLEDGED. THANK YOU CAPTAIN ROGERS. I will bring the cards tomorrow. I bought a new pen. A better pen. Museum-quality archival ink. For the cards. For signing. Tomorrow. Thank you.

Natasha Romanoff <nromanoff@shield.gov>

Acknowledged. Please stop replying all.