Death Star
Project Review

Good morning, everyone. Let’s get started. I want to keep this to thirty minutes. We have a lot to cover.

Editor's note: The meeting will last 3 hours and 47 minutes.

Before we begin, can everyone see my screen? I’m sharing the Q4 Death Star Progress Dashboard.

We cannot see your screen, Admiral.

How about now?

Still no.

Let me try sharing again. One moment. I think my permissions—

I find your lack of screen-sharing disturbing.

Got it! Okay. So as you can see on slide one—

You’re still on the title slide, Admiral. We can all read “Death Star Q4 Review — FINAL FINAL v3.” Please advance.

Right. Slide two. Budget overview. So the original approved budget for the Death Star was 1.2 trillion Imperial credits.

And where are we now?

Approximately 48 trillion credits.

I’m sorry, did you say 48 trillion?

That is correct. We are approximately 4,000% over the original estimate. However, I would like to note that the original estimate was, quote, ‘aspirational.’

The Emperor does not care about the budget. He cares about results.

The Emperor absolutely cares about the budget. He sent me fourteen memos this quarter.

I do not read memos.

Clearly. Moving on. Timeline. Admiral, where are we on the superlaser?

The superlaser is fully operational. We tested it last Tuesday on Jedha. Results were... decisive.

Good. What about the remaining construction on the northern hemisphere?

We are behind schedule on sectors 7 through 42. The contractor for the thermal exhaust system missed their deadline by six months. They blame supply chain issues.

If I may—regarding the thermal exhaust port—I submitted a report three months ago flagging a potential vulnerability in the design. The port leads directly to the main reactor and is unshielded. I’ve sent the report to this distribution list four times.

Editor's note: He has, in fact, sent it four times. No one opened it.

We’ll get to security items at the end, if we have time. Let’s stay on timeline.

Sir, with respect, this is a critical—

Parking lot. Next slide, Admiral.

Slide three. Personnel. Current Death Star headcount is 1.7 million, including 342,000 military personnel, 250,000 contractors, and approximately 1.1 million support staff.

How many are Force-sensitive?

That is not a metric we track, Lord Vader.

It should be.

Let’s move on to the competitive landscape. What do we know about the Rebel Alliance’s capabilities?

Intelligence suggests the Rebels have approximately thirty X-wing fighters and a handful of Y-wings. Their total fleet is—and I quote our intelligence briefing—“not a serious threat.”

Actually, sir, I ran some simulations. If even a single X-wing were to fire proton torpedoes into the unshielded exhaust port I mentioned earlier, the chain reaction would—

You’re muted, Derlin.

I’m not muted, sir. I’m sitting right here.

Then consider yourself muted in spirit. Continue, Admiral.

This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.

Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebels’ hidden fort—

Editor's note: This is where it goes off the rails.

[Stands up. Makes a pinching gesture. Motti begins choking.]

Vader! Release him. This is a professional environment. We have an HR policy about Force-choking colleagues during meetings.

As you wish. [Releases Motti.] I have made my point.

[Coughing] I’d like to… file a… formal complaint…

The complaint form is on the Imperial intranet. Section 7B. Let’s move on. Slide four. Security.

Finally! Okay, so as I’ve been saying, the thermal exhaust port—

Admiral, please present the security overview.

But I—

[Still coughing] Security status: green across all sectors. Shields are operational. Turbolaser batteries are staffed. TIE fighter squadrons are on standby. No known vulnerabilities.

THERE IS A KNOWN VULNERABILITY. I HAVE SENT FOUR EMAILS.

Derlin, lower your voice. This is a conference room, not a cantina.

Sir, the exhaust port is two meters wide. It is ray-shielded but not particle-shielded. A proton torpedo fired at the correct angle would—

The chance of a single fighter penetrating our defenses is negligible.

Negligible is not zero, Lord Vader. I ran a Monte Carlo simulation—

Derlin, we appreciate your enthusiasm. We really do. But the Death Star is the most powerful weapon ever constructed. We are not going to delay the Alderaan demonstration because of a two-meter exhaust port. This is a Death Star, not a death suggestion.

Can I at least get this added to the risk register?

Fine. Add it to the risk register under ‘Low Probability / Low Impact.’ Are we done here?

Editor's note: He classified a planet-destroying vulnerability as Low/Low.

Low impact? Sir, the impact would be the complete destruction of this entire—

Moving on. Alderaan demonstration timeline. We proceed as planned. Meeting adjourned. Vader, stay behind for the one-on-one.

[Quietly, to himself] I’m going to put in a transfer request to Scarif.

Editor's note: Scarif is also about to be destroyed.

Revise Q4 budget projections to make 48 trillion credits look intentional

Status: Not Started

File HR complaint re: Force-choking incident (Form 7B)

Status: Pending — Motti still coughing

Add exhaust port to risk register (classified Low/Low)

Status: Done — nobody will read it

Locate stolen Death Star plans

Status: In Progress — chasing a Corellian freighter

Approve Alderaan demonstration timeline

Status: Approved — what could go wrong

Fix Admiral Motti’s screen sharing permissions

Status: Ticket #847,293 in queue

Review Derlin’s exhaust port report

Status: Will never happen