Quest Kickoff
Project Mordor

Thank you all for traveling to Rivendell for this kickoff. I know many of you have come a long way. Gimli, I see you brought your axe to the conference room. Again.

My axe goes where I go.

HR has a policy about weapons in meetings, but we’ll table that. Let’s begin. Gandalf, would you set the context?

Editor's note: This was a mistake. Gandalf will set the context for 45 minutes.

Certainly. [Opens a 94-slide deck.] To truly understand the scope of this project, we must go back to the Second Age. Approximately three thousand years ago, the Dark Lord Sauron—

Can we skip to the current state? I traveled seventeen days for this meeting.

You cannot skip the lore, Boromir. The lore IS the current state. Now, as I was saying, Sauron deceived the Elven-smiths of Eregion—

—and that is how the Rings of Power were distributed. Three for the Elves, seven for the Dwarves, nine for Men. But Sauron made One Ring in secret—

We know this, Gandalf.

Do you? Because the last time someone said they knew the lore, they tried to use the Ring as a competitive advantage. I am looking at you, Isildur’s heir.

I’d prefer not to be called that.

—and then Bilbo found it in Gollum’s cave, purely by chance, which was actually not chance at all but rather the Ring’s own will seeking to—

Gandalf, we’re thirty minutes in and you’re still on the background section. Could we move to the proposal?

I AM moving to the proposal. But context matters, Elrond. You cannot scope a quest without understanding the deliverable.

[Finally on slide 87.] And so, in summary: the Ring must be destroyed. It cannot be used. It cannot be hidden. It must be taken to Mount Doom in Mordor and cast into the fire from whence it came. [Sits down.] Questions?

Editor's note: It has been 45 minutes. Several attendees have fallen asleep.

I have a question. Why can’t we use the Ring? It’s clearly a powerful asset. My father, the Steward of Gondor, believes we could leverage it against Mordor. Think of it as a competitive advantage.

Because the Ring corrupts everyone who uses it. This was slide 14 through 43. Were you not paying attention?

I was on my phone for some of the lore section.

You cannot wield it. None of us can. The Ring answers to Sauron alone.

And what would a Ranger know of this matter?

He is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.

Please stop introducing me. I asked for that to be taken off the org chart.

All right. Let’s move to scope definition. The deliverable is clear: destroy the Ring in Mount Doom. Let’s discuss resources.

I will destroy it. [Stands up. Swings axe at the Ring. Axe shatters.] That… was my only axe.

That was predictable and also against the conference room damage policy. The Ring cannot be destroyed by conventional means. It must be taken to Mount Doom.

One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its Black Gate is guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. The Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland riddled with fire and ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume.

Thank you for the risk assessment, Boromir. Very thorough. Let’s add that to the risk register.

The Ring must go to Mordor. The question is: who carries it?

I will not trust an Elf to do it!

And I will not trust a Dwarf!

Give it to Gondor! We’ll leverage it—

WE ARE NOT LEVERAGING THE RING.

[Everyone is arguing simultaneously. Gimli is standing on a chair. Legolas and the Elves are pointing at the Dwarves. Boromir is gesturing wildly about Gondor’s strategic position. Gandalf is trying to out-shout everyone.]

Editor's note: This is the part of every meeting where everything falls apart.

[Quietly, from the back of the room.] I will take it. I will take the Ring to Mordor.

[Long silence.] I’m sorry, you are—?

Frodo Baggins. Hobbit. From the Shire. I’m the one who actually has the Ring.

Right. The intern. Very well. Does anyone want to volunteer to support the intern on this quest?

[Sighs heavily.] If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword.

And you have my bow.

And my axe! [Holds up shattered axe handle.] I will get a new axe.

Fine. I will go too. But I still think we should leverage the Ring.

We are NOT leveraging the Ring. I will join the Fellowship as technical advisor.

[Bursts out from behind a pillar.] Mr. Frodo’s not going anywhere without me!

How long have you been behind that pillar?

The entire meeting.

[Also appearing from nowhere.] We’re coming too!

Wait, where are we going?

Mordor.

Right. Is there food there?

So the team is: one hobbit carrying the deliverable, three hobbits in a support role, two Men, one Elf, one Dwarf, and one Wizard. Nine walkers against nine Riders. Budget?

There is no budget.

Timeline?

Walk to Mordor. The timeline is however long it takes to walk to Mordor.

Success criteria?

Throw Ring into volcano. Do not die. Ideally in that order.

This is the worst-scoped project I have overseen in three thousand years. Very well. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.

Great. What about second breakfast?

Meeting adjourned. [Under his breath.] I should have stayed in Valinor.

Editor's note: The meeting was scheduled for 30 minutes. It ran 1 hour and 8 minutes. This is actually short by Council of Elrond standards.

Carry the One Ring to Mount Doom and cast it into the fire

Status: In Progress — barely left Rivendell

Provide technical advisory and route planning. Do NOT disappear again.

Status: Will definitely disappear again

Accept your destiny as King of Gondor and lead the Fellowship

Status: Still in denial

Stop trying to leverage the Ring as a competitive advantage

Status: Will not comply

Procure a replacement axe (current one shattered in meeting)

Status: Completed — brought three this time

Scout ahead. Look majestic. State the obvious when needed.

Status: Already doing this

Do NOT touch anything. Do NOT look into any palantíri. Do NOT alert any Balrogs.

Status: Will fail every single one of these

File the project charter with Middle-earth Governance. Note: no budget, no timeline, no sponsor.

Status: Approved reluctantly