Hermione Granger Runs
a Sprint Retrospective

Good morning, everyone. Welcome to Sprint 7 retrospective for Project Horcrux. I’ve prepared the burndown chart, the velocity metrics, and the impediment log. Ron, please put down the chocolate frog.

I’m stress eating. This sprint was terrible.

Which is exactly what we’re here to discuss. Let’s start with what went well. Harry?

We destroyed the locket. That was a major deliverable.

Correct. The locket Horcrux is now closed. That was a 13-point story. However, it took us three sprints to complete what was estimated at one sprint. Harry, can you speak to the delay?

We were living in a tent. In the woods. Being hunted by Death Eaters. The working conditions were not ideal.

Noted as an impediment. I’ve logged it in Jira as ‘Environmental Blockers: Active Persecution.’ Moving on. Let’s look at the burndown chart.

Editor's note: She unfurls an actual chart. It is color-coded with seven different highlighters.

As you can see, we started the project with seven Horcruxes. The diary was destroyed in Sprint 1 by Harry, the ring by Dumbledore in Sprint 2, and the locket in Sprint 7. That means we’ve destroyed three out of seven over a span of… six years. Our velocity is 0.5 Horcruxes per year.

Half a Horcrux per year? That’s rubbish.

Yes, Ron, it is rubbish. Which is why we need to discuss capacity planning. We have four remaining Horcruxes: the cup, the diadem, the snake, and…

And me. I’m one. I found out last sprint.

[Pause.] Yes. You are a Horcrux. I’ve added it to the backlog as a… special story. I wasn’t sure how to estimate it. I gave it an infinity point value.

You can’t give a story infinity points, Hermione.

You can when the story is ‘The chosen one must die and then somehow not die.’ Standard estimation frameworks do not account for prophecy-based requirements.

Can we move on from the ‘I have to die’ item?

Fine. But it’s staying in the backlog and I’ve flagged it as a blocker for the final sprint. Now, let’s discuss what didn’t go well.

I left the team for three weeks.

Yes, Ron. You abandoned the sprint mid-iteration. In agile terms, that’s a critical resource reallocation without stakeholder approval. In human terms, it was awful.

The locket was messing with my head! It was a psychological impediment!

I’ve logged it as ‘Team morale impact: cursed jewelry.’ Let’s talk about velocity. Harry, your individual velocity has been declining since Sprint 4. The Triwizard Tournament.

I fought a dragon.

Which was not on the sprint board. It was unplanned work. Unplanned work destroys velocity. You spent an entire sprint on a task that was never estimated, never groomed, and resulted in zero story points toward Project Horcrux.

I was forced to compete. By a magical contract.

Which is why I’ve proposed a new policy: no binding magical agreements without Scrum Master approval. It’s in the team charter.

What about Dumbledore? He was our executive sponsor and he’s… he’s gone. That’s a massive stakeholder loss.

Dumbledore’s departure has been logged as a ‘Critical Stakeholder Exit’ in the risk register. His institutional knowledge was never properly documented. He communicated primarily through riddles, which is not an approved knowledge-sharing format.

He told me what I needed to know. Eventually. After nearly dying several times.

That is a terrible knowledge transfer process, Harry. In a properly run organization, the executive sponsor does not communicate critical project information through near-death experiences.

What’s the plan for the final sprint, then?

Sprint 8: The Battle of Hogwarts. I’ve broken it into stories. Story 1: Infiltrate Hogwarts. Story 2: Locate and destroy the cup — assigned to Ron and me. Story 3: Locate and destroy the diadem — assigned to Harry. Story 4: Destroy the snake — assigned to Neville, who doesn’t know this yet. Story 5: The Harry situation. Unassigned. Estimation: unknown.

You’re remarkably organized about my potential death.

Someone has to be. Let’s discuss the definition of done for each story.

Definition of done: Voldemort is dead, we’re alive, and someone rebuilds the Great Hall because that’s where we eat.

I’ll accept that as the acceptance criteria. One last item. The retrospective itself. What should we keep doing, stop doing, and start doing?

Keep doing: being alive. Stop doing: having Horcruxes. Start doing: literally anything other than living in a tent.

Keep doing: Hermione’s planning. Stop doing: cursed jewelry. Start doing: eating regular meals.

Noted. I’ll update the Confluence page. Sprint 8 starts tomorrow. Meeting adjourned. Harry, stay behind — we need to discuss your death as a deliverable.

Editor's note: Harry stays. The conversation is documented in Jira as ticket HOR-7: ‘Self-Sacrifice (Tentative).’

Die and then somehow not die (Story HOR-7)

Status: Blocked by existential dread

Do not leave the team mid-sprint again

Status: Ron promises but looks uncertain

Update Confluence with Dumbledore’s riddle-based documentation

Status: In progress (translating riddles to user stories)

Destroy the snake (he has not been informed)

Status: Assignment pending — Hermione will brief him Tuesday

No binding magical agreements without Scrum Master approval

Status: Added to team charter