Celebrity
Report Cards

“Elon is incredibly bright but insists on correcting me in front of the class. He tried to ‘optimize’ the lunch line and got into an argument with the cafeteria lady. He says recess is ‘inefficient’ and would rather work on his ‘projects.’ He bit another student who touched his science fair project. He has also renamed himself three times this semester. Very smart. Concerning.”

“Warren is a delight. He started a gum-selling business in the hallway and made $47 this semester. He tried to buy the vending machine from the school. He reads during recess, which would concern me except he’s reading the financial section of the newspaper. He offered to invest my retirement savings. He asked me what my ‘expense ratio’ is. He is EIGHT.”

“Keanu is the kindest student I have ever had in 30 years of teaching. He held the door for every student. He shared his lunch with three kids. He apologized for getting an answer right because he ‘didn’t want to make anyone feel bad.’ When a classmate was crying, he sat next to them and said nothing for 20 minutes until they felt better. I have nothing negative to say. I wish I could adopt him.”

“Tom is an enthusiastic student but he RUNS everywhere. Hallways, cafeteria, library — always sprinting. He tried to do his own stunts in gym class and jumped off the bleachers. He climbed the outside of the jungle gym instead of using the ladder. He insists on doing everything himself and refuses help with an intensity that is both admirable and mildly terrifying. He smiled at me for 45 consecutive seconds during parent-teacher conference. It was unsettling.”

“Dwayne is a wonderful student with a heart of gold, but he is the largest 6th grader I have ever seen. He rearranged the desks into a wrestling ring formation before I arrived on Monday. He refers to himself in the third person. He brought a folding chair to Show and Tell. He did a ‘People’s Elbow’ during the talent show and the audience lost their minds. He asked me if I could ‘smell what he was cooking’ in home economics. I could. It was brownies. They were excellent.”

“Arnold showed up to Show and Tell with a homemade trophy that said ‘World’s Strongest 5th Grader.’ He made it himself. He flexes when answering questions. He told the school nurse he doesn’t believe in being sick. His English is coming along but he keeps ending sentences with ‘I’ll be back’ and leaving the room dramatically. He held the door open for me and said ‘Get to the chopper’ and I do not know what that means.”

“Nicolas screamed during quiet reading hour. Not because anything happened. He just felt like it. He read his book report like he was delivering a monologue in a burning building. He whispered his math answers like they were government secrets. He stared at a bee for 40 minutes and then wrote a poem about it that was genuinely beautiful. He cried during the spelling bee — not because he lost, but because ‘the words are so beautiful.’ I genuinely cannot predict what he will do on any given day. He is the most interesting student I have ever had.”

“Jeff started a classroom trading system where students can ‘order’ items from each other’s desks. He takes a 30% commission. He delivered a pencil to a student in a cardboard box he labeled ‘Prime.’ He undercut the school store and they had to close on Tuesdays. He asked me how much I make and then offered me ‘competitive compensation with equity.’ He is 9. He laughs like a malfunctioning dolphin and it echoes through the hallway.”

“Bill hacked the school computer and changed everyone’s grades to A+. When confronted, he said he was ‘improving the user experience.’ He then offered to fix the school’s website for free, and I have to admit it does look much better now. He refuses to use a Mac. He wears the same sweater every day. He started a ‘Computer Club’ that now has more funding than the PTA. He and Steve got into a fight about fonts.”

“Steve refused to wear the school uniform because it was ‘ugly’ and showed up in a black turtleneck and jeans every day. He redesigned the class bulletin board without asking and honestly it looks incredible. He told another student their art project was ‘garbage’ and made them cry, but then helped them redo it and it won first place. He gives presentations about his homework like he’s launching a product. He and Bill got into a fight about fonts. Steve started it.”

“Mark made a ‘Hot or Not’ ranking list of the entire class and distributed it at lunch. We had to have an assembly about it. He says he was ‘connecting people.’ He built a website that tracks where every student sits at lunch and who they talk to. He calls it ‘data.’ I call it ‘surveillance.’ He stares at people without blinking for an uncomfortable amount of time. He asked me to rate my teaching experience on a scale of 1-5 stars. He wears the same gray t-shirt every single day. I have checked. It is the same one.”

“Leonardo saved the classroom plant from a windowsill and gave a 15-minute speech about deforestation to the class. He was supposed to be doing multiplication tables. He started a recycling club that now has 40 members. He cried during the nature documentary. He cried during the math documentary. He cries a lot but always beautifully. He refuses to date any girl over 25 days older than him which is weird but technically not against school rules.”

“Morgan narrated the school play from the audience. He was not in the play. He just started narrating and everyone listened. He narrates everything — lunch, recess, fire drills. He narrated a fight between two students and somehow both kids stopped fighting to listen. His voice is unreasonably deep for a 10-year-old. When I read the class a story, he corrected my pacing. He was right. He has been 65 years old since birth.”

“Gordon called the cafeteria food ‘an insult to cuisine’ and made the lunch lady cry. He then went into the kitchen, took over, and made a risotto that was genuinely restaurant-quality. He is 9. He yells when he’s happy. He yells when he’s sad. He yells when he’s neutral. He told a classmate their sandwich was ‘RAW’ even though it was peanut butter and jelly. He refers to the microwave as ‘a crime against food.’ The cafeteria has actually improved since his intervention and I don’t know how to feel about that.”

“Oprah hosted a talk show during recess where students shared their feelings. It was better than most actual therapy. She got a shy student to open up about his fear of dodgeball and the whole class cried. She gave everyone in the class a pencil and screamed ‘YOU GET A PENCIL! YOU GET A PENCIL!’ They were her pencils. She just gave them all away. She has no pencils now. She interviewed me for 30 minutes about my life choices and I am now reconsidering everything.”

“Kanye interrupted another student’s book report to say his was better. He then performed his book report as a rap and I have to admit it was incredible. He redesigned the school logo without being asked. It’s actually much better but that’s not the point. He told the principal his vision for the school was ‘being held back by bureaucracy.’ He is 10. He referred to his desk as his ‘creative studio’ and put velvet ropes around it. He said he is the ‘voice of a generation’ during roll call.”

“Taylor is a wonderful student, but she writes a song about everything. She wrote a song about a boy who didn’t share his crayons. She wrote a song about the substitute teacher. She wrote a song about ME and performed it at the talent show and I cried in front of 200 parents. After a group project went badly she released a 3-song EP about it. Every breakup in the class has a corresponding track. She has an enemies list that she keeps in a sparkly notebook. It’s color-coded. She is terrifyingly organized.”

“Snoop is the most relaxed student I have ever had. Nothing bothers him. He arrived 20 minutes late and somehow the class was calmer for it. He calls me ‘teach’ and honestly I don’t mind. He narrated the morning announcements in a style I can only describe as ‘smooth.’ He got a D on his test and said ‘that’s cool’ with absolutely zero concern. Every student wants to sit next to him. He is the most popular kid in school and puts in zero effort. He brought a lava lamp to class. I let him keep it.”

“Martha redecorated the entire classroom over a weekend without permission. It looks like a Pottery Barn catalog. She brought homemade scones for the bake sale that outsold every other item combined. She color-coded the supply closet and labeled everything with a label maker she brought from home. She critiqued another student’s art project and said the color palette was ‘chaotic.’ She organized the teacher’s lounge. I did not ask her to. She scares me a little but my classroom has never looked better.”

“Samuel has one volume setting and it is MAXIMUM. He read his book report so loudly that the class next door filed a noise complaint. He emphasized every single word. He is incredibly articulate but every sentence sounds like a threat, even ‘May I use the restroom.’ He stared down a 6th grader who tried to take his lunch spot and the kid just left. He has a commanding presence that is unusual for a 10-year-old. He called the math textbook ‘the most boring thing I have ever read in my LIFE’ and honestly I agree.”

“Bob painted during every available moment. He told a crying student there are ‘no mistakes, just happy accidents’ and the kid immediately stopped crying. He painted a mural on the bathroom wall without permission and the principal framed it instead of punishing him. He talks to squirrels at recess and they seem to listen. He calls every student his ‘friend’ and means it. He whisper-narrates while he paints and it is the most soothing sound in this school. His hair is unreasonable. He is a gift.”

“Donald ran for class president on a platform of ‘making the 4th grade great again.’ He won by 3 votes and immediately tried to build a wall between our classroom and the 3rd graders. He puts his name on everything — his desk says TRUMP DESK in gold letters. He called his book report ‘the best book report in the history of book reports, maybe ever.’ It was 2 paragraphs. He negotiated his way out of detention by offering the principal a ‘tremendous deal.’ I don’t know what the deal was. The principal won’t tell me.”

“Beyoncé turned the school talent show into a full production with choreography, lighting cues, and a wind machine she brought from home. She demanded a rehearsal schedule. She is 9. She organized the other students into a formation during recess that I can only describe as ‘militarily precise.’ She does not walk into a room, she ENTERS it. Even the principal stands up when she comes in. She wrote an essay titled ‘Who Runs the Classroom? (Girls)’ and received a standing ovation from the class. I didn’t assign it.”

“Matthew answers every question with a long philosophical pause followed by ‘alright, alright, alright.’ He took his shoes off during class and said he ‘learns better that way.’ He gave a 10-minute motivational speech during a pop quiz that was so inspiring two students cried. He drives a Lincoln to school. He is 11. He does not have a driver’s license. He told me time is a flat circle and I’ve been thinking about it for three weeks.”

“Kim took a selfie during the math test. She documented the entire science fair on what she calls her ‘story.’ She has 4,000 followers on an app I’ve never heard of. She rebranded the school newspaper and it now has advertisements. She launched a lip gloss line in the girls’ bathroom and made $200 in a week. She contoured her face for picture day so well that the photographer asked for tips. She told me she’s ‘building a brand’ and I believe her.”

“Albert stares out the window for most of the class and then solves the problem instantly when called on. He asked me a question about light that I could not answer, and then he could not answer it either, and then he sat quietly for the rest of the day looking troubled. He does his homework on napkins. His hair defies physics, which is ironic because he seems to understand physics better than I do. He asked if time is real and I had to excuse myself from the room.”

“Will is one of the most charming students I have ever had. He can talk to anyone. He made the new kid feel welcome on day one. He rapped his history presentation and got an A. He does, however, have a bit of a temper when someone says something about his friends. He slapped a student’s notebook off their desk for making fun of another kid’s haircut. His heart is in the right place but we are working on ‘using our words.’ His mom picks him up and he says ‘yo homes, smell ya later’ every single day.”