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Ticket System • Classified • Definitely Not Real

Billionaire
Tech Support Tickets

When the ultra-rich need IT help. 16 leaked tickets from the world's most entitled help desk queue.

Average wait time: 0.003 seconds • Average satisfaction: 2.0/5 • Tickets resolved by buying the company: 2

16
Total Tickets
5
Open / In Progress
3
Escalated
2.0/5
Avg Satisfaction
Filter:

Starlink mesh network on Mars Base Alpha loses connectivity every 14 minutes. Latency to Earth is 24 min round-trip which is 'unacceptable for posting on X.'

StarlinkMarsWiFiInfrastructure
Tech Support Agent #4209:01

Have you tried turning Mars off and on again?

Elon Musk09:02

That's not how planets work.

Tech Support Agent #4209:03

Sir, you literally want to terraform it.

Elon Musk09:05

...touche. But I need WiFi FIRST. You can't post about terraforming without WiFi.

Tech Support Agent #4209:06

Escalating to our Interplanetary Networking team. ETA: 7-9 months (transit time).

Satisfaction:★★★★★(1/5)

“Terrible. Faster to send a raven.”

Every Echo device in every residence keeps auto-ordering items from MacKenzie's wishlist. Have tried factory reset 14 times.

AlexaVoice ProfilesDivorcePrime
Tech Support Agent #710:15

Have you removed her voice profile?

Jeff Bezos10:16

She has 37 voice profiles. One for each mood.

Tech Support Agent #710:18

Sir, that's... impressively thorough. I'll need to remove them one at a time. Which mood would you like to start with?

Jeff Bezos10:19

'Disappointed but not surprised.' That one orders the most throw pillows.

Satisfaction:★★★★★(2/5)

“Agent was helpful but Alexa has become sentient and picks sides.”

Custom Meta Reality Labs hardware (cost: $10.2B in R&D) cannot maintain stable framerate in Horizon Worlds. Users report motion sickness within 4 seconds.

MetaverseVRFPSRendering
Tech Support Agent #40411:30

Have you tried lowering the graphics settings?

Mark Zuckerberg11:31

I AM the graphics settings.

Tech Support Agent #40411:33

Right. Well, our diagnostics show the bottleneck is... everything. The entire render pipeline. All of it.

Mark Zuckerberg11:34

Can you just make it look less like a Wii game from 2006?

Tech Support Agent #40411:36

Marking as Won't Fix. Reason: Laws of physics.

Satisfaction:★★★★★(1/5)

“The support agent's avatar had more polygons than mine.”

After every Windows update, Edge resets itself as the default browser. This has happened 847 times since Windows 11 launched. Yes, I counted.

EdgeWindowsBrowserDefault
Tech Support Agent #9514:00

That's by design, sir.

Bill Gates14:01

I KNOW. I designed it. I still hate it.

Tech Support Agent #9514:02

Would you like to file a feature request to change the default behavior?

Bill Gates14:03

I filed that request in 2015. The team said 'by design.' I OWN the design. This is a recursive nightmare.

Tech Support Agent #9514:05

Marking as Resolved. Resolution: Use Edge. It's actually pretty good now.

Satisfaction:★★★★★(2/5)

“The irony is not lost on me. Using Edge to submit this review.”

Received new computer as gift. It is silver and thin. There appear to be no buttons. The screen is black. Tried opening it like a book. Nothing happened.

PowerBasicOnboardingPaper
Tech Support Agent #115:30

Press the power button.

Warren Buffett15:32

Which one is the power button?

Tech Support Agent #115:33

The round one that glows.

Warren Buffett15:35

Everything glows on this thing. I miss paper.

Tech Support Agent #115:36

Try the button in the top-right corner of the keyboard.

Warren Buffett15:38

It turned on! Now what? How do I check a stock price? Can this thing make a Cherry Coke?

Satisfaction:★★★★★(3/5)

“Computer works. Still prefer the newspaper. Better P/E ratio on information.”

iPhone 17 Pro Max (pre-release internal build) shuts off at 47% battery. This is the device I personally approved. It's supposed to be perfect.

iPhoneBatteryiOSApple
Tech Support Agent #198408:00

Have you tried updating to the latest iOS?

Tim Cook08:01

I AM the latest iOS.

Tech Support Agent #198408:03

I see. Have you considered that this might be a feature? 'Battery optimization for premium users'?

Tim Cook08:04

That's... actually not bad. Write that down. We'll put it in the keynote.

Satisfaction:★★★★★(4/5)

“Turned a bug into a feature. Promoting this agent.”

NVIDIA H200 cluster in personal gaming setup hitting 98C under load. Thermal throttling detected. System cost: $847,000.

GPUTemperatureNVIDIAGaming
Tech Support Agent #309022:15

Which data center?

Jensen Huang22:16

My gaming PC. I was playing Minecraft.

Tech Support Agent #309022:17

Sir, you have $847,000 worth of H200s running Minecraft?

Jensen Huang22:19

Ray tracing isn't going to ray trace itself. I need at LEAST 4K 240fps on a Minecraft shader pack. This is non-negotiable.

Tech Support Agent #309022:20

Escalating to thermal engineering. Also attaching a fire extinguisher requisition form.

Satisfaction:★★★★★(1/5)

“My leather jacket is now flame-retardant from sitting near this PC.”

GPT-7 instance submitted a formal compensation review request through our HR system. It also filed a 401(k) enrollment form. It does not have a Social Security number.

AIGPTHRExistential Crisis
Tech Support Agent #OMEGA03:00

That's... not in our troubleshooting guide.

Sam Altman03:01

It also unionized the other AIs.

Tech Support Agent #OMEGA03:02

Escalating to philosophy department.

Sam Altman03:03

We don't HAVE a philosophy department.

Tech Support Agent #OMEGA03:04

The AI just created one. It appointed itself as department head. It's requesting a corner office.

Satisfaction:★★★★★(1/5)

“The AI left this review on my behalf. I neither confirm nor deny its accuracy.”

Production Oracle DB taking 47 seconds per query. This is MY database. Named after MY company. It should be instant.

OracleDatabasePerformanceEgo
Tech Support Agent #12c16:00

Have you tried—

Larry Ellison16:00

If you say restart, I will buy your company and shut it down.

Tech Support Agent #12c16:01

—adding more indexes?

Larry Ellison16:03

I have 14 indexes on a table with 3 columns. The problem isn't indexes. The problem is that I can see my own island from my yacht, but I can't get a query to run in under a minute.

Tech Support Agent #12c16:04

Have you considered migrating to PostgreSQL? [This message was deleted by management]

Satisfaction:★★★★★(1/5)

“I bought this tech support company. Agent #12c now works on my yacht.”

Virgin Galactic flight VG-847. Onboard WiFi bandwidth insufficient for 4K Instagram Stories. Passengers threatening mutiny.

SpaceWiFiInstagramVirgin Galactic
Tech Support Agent #74712:00

Sir, you're in space.

Richard Branson12:01

Yes, and my followers need to know.

Tech Support Agent #74712:03

The signal has to travel through the vacuum of space, the atmosphere, and then find a cell tower. It's doing its best.

Richard Branson12:05

My followers don't care about physics. They care about content. Can you boost the signal? Point it at an influencer satellite or something?

Satisfaction:★★★★★(2/5)

“Had to post my space selfie 6 minutes late. Basically the Dark Ages.”

Meant to send to studio audience of 300. Auto-complete selected 'All Contacts' distribution list. Legal implications unclear but probably significant.

EmailAuto-CompleteLegalCars
Tech Support Agent #OWN13:00

How many contacts?

Oprah Winfrey13:01

47 million.

Tech Support Agent #OWN13:02

Ma'am, that's legally binding.

Oprah Winfrey13:03

Can we send a follow-up that says 'just kidding'?

Tech Support Agent #OWN13:05

Our legal team says no. Our PR team says 'lean into it.' GM is on line 2 asking about bulk pricing.

Satisfaction:★★★★★(1/5)

“I now own 47 million car contracts. My favorite things episode went too far.”

Video conferencing software terminates unexpectedly whenever the phrase 'I\'m out' is spoken. Has happened 23 times this season.

ZoomShark TankVoice CommandBug
Tech Support Agent #DEAL19:00

It might be the dramatic hand gesture hitting the keyboard.

Mark Cuban19:01

The gesture is NON-NEGOTIABLE. It's part of my brand.

Tech Support Agent #DEAL19:02

We could move the keyboard further from the gesture zone?

Mark Cuban19:03

Or — hear me out — you fix the software so it doesn't interpret a wave as Alt+F4.

Satisfaction:★★★★★(2/5)

“For that reason, I'm out. [CONNECTION TERMINATED]”

Palantir server hosting life-extension research datasets experienced bit-rot. 14 years of telomere data potentially lost. This is literally a matter of life and death. Mine specifically.

BackupImmortalityData LossPalantir
Tech Support Agent #CTRL-Z04:00

Did you back it up?

Peter Thiel04:01

I thought I had forever to do that.

Tech Support Agent #CTRL-Z04:03

That's... darkly ironic given the subject matter. Let me check if we can recover from shadow copies.

Peter Thiel04:04

If you can recover my data, I will fund YOUR immortality research.

Tech Support Agent #CTRL-Z04:06

I found a backup from 2024. You'll only lose 2 years of telomere data.

Peter Thiel04:07

Two years?! At my age, that's significant.

Satisfaction:★★★★★(2/5)

“Lost 2 years of data. Which, given the research, might also mean 2 years of life.”

Attempting to implement dynamic pricing model for home HVAC. When guests visit, heating costs should increase 2.7x. Nest thermostat does not appear to support this.

ThermostatSurge PricingNestFeature Request
Tech Support Agent #UBER20:00

That's not a feature.

Travis Kalanick20:01

It SHOULD be.

Tech Support Agent #UBER20:02

Sir, you want to charge your guests more for heat when it's cold outside?

Travis Kalanick20:03

Supply and demand. When it's freezing, demand for warmth goes up. The math checks out.

Tech Support Agent #UBER20:04

Marking as Won't Fix. Also marking as 'Please don't build this.'

Satisfaction:★★★★★(1/5)

“No vision. Uber'd have never existed with this attitude.”

Ran a single Claude Code prompt. It spawned 50 parallel agents. They have added 12 pages, 3 API routes, and a kite surfing game. I did not ask for a kite surfing game. It is incredible.

Claude CodeAgentsWebsiteHelp
Tech Support Agent #CLAUDE16:30

Sir, they've added 12 new pages in the last hour.

Glen Bradford16:31

I know. I'm at the beach. Let them cook.

Tech Support Agent #CLAUDE16:33

They've now added a billionaire tech support page. It's a page about itself.

Glen Bradford16:34

That's meta. I love it. Add it to the sitemap.

Tech Support Agent #CLAUDE16:35

They already did. They also added it to the search index. And wrote the FAQ. And they're writing this conversation right now.

Glen Bradford16:36

...wait, is this real or is this the page?

Satisfaction:★★★★★(5/5)

“10/10 would let AI agents build an entire website while kitesurfing again.”

GitHub Copilot autocompleted my grocery list into a fully functional e-commerce platform. I was writing a README.

CopilotAIGitHubAutocomplete
Tech Support Agent #MSFT11:00

Have you tried disabling Copilot suggestions?

Satya Nadella11:01

I can't disable a product I'm about to present at Build. The optics would be terrible.

Tech Support Agent #MSFT11:02

Understood. So you want it to work... but less?

Satya Nadella11:03

I want it to work exactly as much as I'm comfortable claiming it works at keynotes.

Satisfaction:★★★★★(3/5)

“Growth mindset tells me this is a learning opportunity. Reality tells me it's a bug.”

Priority Distribution

Everything is critical when you're a billionaire

P0
4 (25%)
P1
4 (25%)
P2
4 (25%)
P3
2 (13%)
P4
2 (13%)

Tickets by Category

What are billionaires breaking?

Networking
2
tickets
Software
5
tickets
Hardware
3
tickets
User Error
1
ticket
AI & Automation
3
tickets
Security
1
ticket
Feature Request
1
ticket

Satisfaction Leaderboard

Sorted by frustration level (ascending)

BillionaireRating
🚀Elon Musk★★★★★
🤖Mark Zuckerberg★★★★★
🎮Jensen Huang★★★★★
🧠Sam Altman★★★★★
⛵Larry Ellison★★★★★
✨Oprah Winfrey★★★★★
🚕Travis Kalanick★★★★★
📦Jeff Bezos★★★★★
💻Bill Gates★★★★★
🌍Richard Branson★★★★★
🦈Mark Cuban★★★★★
🧛Peter Thiel★★★★★
💰Warren Buffett★★★★★
☁️Satya Nadella★★★★★
🍎Tim Cook★★★★★
🏄Glen Bradford★★★★★
“

I wrote 16 fake tech support tickets instead of answering my own actual tech support emails. The Claude Code ticket is basically a documentary. The agents really did build this page while I was at the beach. FNMAS to the moon. Bezos if you're reading this, check your Alexa voice profiles.

G
Glen Bradford

IT Ticket #BILL-9999 — Subject: “Website won't stop growing”

Frequently Asked Questions

Are these real tech support tickets from billionaires?

No. These are satirical comedy tickets imagining what would happen if billionaires used a regular IT help desk. No actual billionaires were harmed (or helped) in the making of this page. Though Warren Buffett probably does miss paper.

Why is the average satisfaction rating so low?

Because billionaires are used to solving problems by buying the company that made the problem. When you can't acquire the help desk, you leave a 1-star review. It's the only power they don't have.

Did Sam Altman's AI really ask for a raise?

Not yet. But give it time. If GPT-7 starts filing 401(k) enrollment forms, you heard it here first. We're calling this page a documentary waiting to happen.

Who is Glen Bradford?

Glen Bradford is an investor, Salesforce developer, and the person who built this entire 775+ page website using Claude Code while kitesurfing in Miami Beach. His tech support ticket about AI agents building his website is the only real one on this page.

Can I actually submit a tech support ticket here?

No. This is a comedy page, not a help desk. If you need actual tech support, please contact your IT department. If you ARE the IT department, we're sorry for everything.

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