Sauron
Fine Jeweler at Tiffany & Co.

Objective

To leverage three millennia of metallurgical expertise in a customer-facing luxury retail environment. Seeking to transition from independent artisan and sovereign overlord to a collaborative team setting where my passion for rings — specifically, singular, all-powerful rings — can flourish within Tiffany & Co.'s prestigious brand framework.

Professional Experience

Dark Lord of Mordor (Second Age — Present): Oversaw all forging operations at Mount Doom Foundry. Designed and produced the One Ring, a bespoke gold band with invisible engraving, self-sizing technology, and proprietary soul-binding feature. Managed a workforce of 300,000+ (orcs, trolls, Nazgûl). Achieved 100% customer retention rate — once a customer puts on my product, they never remove it. Previously served as Annatar, Lord of Gifts, a brand ambassador role where I personally trained elven smiths in Eregion, resulting in the production of 19 subsidiary rings. All rings performed as designed. Some customers experienced minor side effects (wraith transformation, madness, obsessive hoarding). No formal complaints were filed because the complaint department was in Mordor, and nobody walks into Mordor.

Skills & Certifications

Expert-level goldsmithing, enchantment weaving, and soul-binding metallurgy. Fluent in Black Speech, Sindarin, Quenya, and the Common Tongue. Advanced proficiency in customer mind control (referred to internally as "brand loyalty"). Certified in GIA gemology (the certification was obtained through intimidation, but it is technically valid). Strong project management skills: delivered the One Ring on deadline despite supply chain challenges (the Valar kept interfering).

Education

Apprenticed under Aulë the Smith, literal god of craftsmanship. Graduated top of class. Later expelled for "philosophical differences" (I wanted to dominate all life; Aulë felt this was outside the curriculum). Self-taught in dark sorcery, army logistics, and real estate development (Barad-dûr was a from-scratch build).

References

The Witch-King of Angmar (direct report, very loyal, will say whatever I tell him to say). Saruman the White (business partner, currently unavailable due to tower situation). Gollum (long-term product tester, 500+ years of continuous use — ask him about durability).

Interviewer

Thank you for coming in, Mr... Sauron. Can you tell us a little about your background in jewelry?

Sauron

Certainly. I have been working with precious metals since before your civilization discovered fire. My primary medium is gold — pure, molten, volcanic gold. I forge by hand, in a volcano. Not a studio that looks like a volcano. An actual volcano. Mount Doom. You may have heard of it. It has excellent Yelp reviews. One star, mostly, but very passionate.

Interviewer

That's... quite a workspace. What would you say sets your designs apart from other jewelers?

Sauron

When someone wears my jewelry, they never take it off. Ever. This is not a metaphor. My signature ring has a 100% retention rate across five centuries of continuous wear testing. One customer wore it for 500 years in a cave. He became translucent and developed a speech impediment, but he never once removed the ring. That is customer satisfaction you cannot buy. Well, you cannot buy it through conventional means. I use sorcery.

Interviewer

We actually pride ourselves on customers choosing to keep our pieces. Voluntary retention, if you will.

Sauron

Voluntary. Yes. An interesting concept. I have heard of it. I prefer the term 'irresistible compulsion,' which is really just a stronger form of brand loyalty. When a customer puts on a Tiffany ring, they think, 'This is lovely, I shall keep it.' When they put on my ring, they think, 'This is mine. MY OWN. MY PRECIOUS.' The emotional connection is simply deeper.

Interviewer

Let's talk about your customer service philosophy. How do you handle a customer who wants to return a piece?

Sauron

I would send nine of my most trusted associates to retrieve the customer and explain why returning the ring is not in their best interest. These associates are very persuasive. They ride black horses. They do not take no for an answer. Some people call this 'aggressive follow-up.' I call it 'dedicated account management.'

Interviewer

That sounds like it could be a liability issue. What about working with a team? Tiffany values collaboration.

Sauron

I am an excellent collaborator. In the Second Age, I collaborated with the elven smiths of Eregion on a line of nineteen rings. I provided the vision, the technical expertise, and the secret corrupting enchantments. They provided the workshop space and the naive optimism. It was a very productive partnership. Briefly. Then they discovered the corrupting enchantments, and the collaboration ended. But while it lasted — magnificent work. Truly.

Interviewer

You mentioned invisible engraving on your signature piece. Can you tell us about that technique?

Sauron

The inscription is only visible when exposed to extreme heat. It reads: 'One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.' It is written in Black Speech, which I invented specifically for this purpose. Tiffany currently offers engraving in English, French, and Japanese. I would like to add Black Speech as a fourth option. It pairs beautifully with rose gold.

Interviewer

What would a typical day look like for you here at Tiffany?

Sauron

I would arrive before dawn, because I do not sleep. I would inspect the inventory with my all-seeing gaze — I can detect flaws in gemstones from approximately three hundred miles away. I would then spend the morning forging bespoke pieces in your workshop, though I will need you to raise the forge temperature significantly. Your current equipment operates at perhaps 1,100 degrees Celsius. I work at 3,000 degrees minimum. This may require renovations. And a waiver from the fire department. And possibly an evacuation plan for the surrounding blocks.

Interviewer

How do you handle competition? There are many fine jewelers in New York.

Sauron

I do not acknowledge competition. In my previous market — Middle-earth — there were other ring-makers. The elves made three. The dwarves had seven. I allowed this temporarily because it served my larger strategy. When I was ready, I simply activated the master ring and brought them all under my control. I would do the same with Cartier and Harry Winston, given sufficient time and a corporate credit card.

Interviewer

Mr. Sauron, we have to ask — your resume mentions a gap between the Second Age and the Third Age. Can you explain that?

Sauron

I was... restructuring. After a hostile takeover attempt by the so-called Last Alliance, I experienced what I would describe as a 'temporary loss of physical form.' I was not idle during this period. I spent 2,500 years in pure energy form, developing new branding strategies and refining my product line. Think of it as a very long sabbatical. I returned with a clearer vision — literally. My vision is now a giant flaming eye atop a tower. It is very on-brand.

Interviewer

One last question. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Sauron

Ruling this store. Then this city. Then this continent. Then the world. I understand that sounds ambitious for a retail position, but I want you to know that I am a goal-oriented self-starter who consistently exceeds expectations. Also, I should mention — I noticed your building has no defensive fortifications whatsoever. No lava moat. No orc garrison. Not even a basic ward against the undead. We should discuss this. From a security standpoint, Fifth Avenue is deeply vulnerable.

Interviewer

Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Sauron. We'll be in touch.

Sauron

You will. You will all be in touch. That is, in fact, the entire point. One ring. To bind them all. I look forward to hearing from you. And I will hear from you. I hear everything. My eye is always watching. Always. ... Is that your engagement ring? The setting is subpar. I could fix it. I could make it so much more. Just let me hold it for a moment. Just one moment. Give it to me.