Magneto
TSA Screening Agent

Objective

To revolutionize airport security by replacing outdated scanning technology with myself. I can detect ferrous and non-ferrous metals at a range of 500 meters, through walls, clothing, luggage, and the deepest pockets of human deception. Your metal detectors are machines. I am a force of nature. The position of TSA Screening Agent is, frankly, beneath me, but I view it as a stepping stone to my larger goal: the complete elimination of metal from all human transportation systems.

Professional Experience

Master of Magnetism / Leader, Brotherhood of Mutants (1965 — Present): Controlled, manipulated, and weaponized every form of metal on Earth. Lifted a nuclear submarine from the ocean floor. Ripped the adamantium skeleton from Wolverine's body (a personnel dispute). Moved the Golden Gate Bridge across San Francisco Bay to facilitate an unscheduled personnel transfer. Stopped every bullet ever fired in my direction. Previously: Concentration camp survivor. This experience gave me a deep, permanent understanding of what happens when security systems are used against people rather than for them. I bring this perspective to every checkpoint.

Skills & Certifications

Complete mastery over all electromagnetic forces. Can detect a single paperclip inside a sealed container at 200 meters. Can remove belt buckles, zippers, and underwire from passengers without physical contact (this will significantly speed up the screening line). Flight capability (no aircraft required — I levitate using Earth's magnetic field). Fluent in English, German, Polish, Hebrew, and the silent language of metal itself, which hums and sings if you listen closely enough.

Education

Self-taught in electromagnetic theory, quantum mechanics, and geopolitical strategy. Briefly attended Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters as a guest lecturer before a philosophical disagreement escalated into what the media inaccurately described as a 'terrorist incident.' I prefer 'demonstration of magnetic superiority.' We remain friends. Mostly.

References

Mystique (associate, excellent at assuming identities, which is actually a TSA concern now that I think about it — disregard this reference). Pyro (direct report, enthusiastic but prone to workplace incidents involving fire). Professor Charles Xavier (philosophical adversary, will grudgingly confirm I am very good at detecting metal).

Interviewer

Mr. Lehnsherr — or do you prefer Magneto?

Magneto

Magneto will suffice. 'Mr. Lehnsherr' is what the authorities called me when they were trying to be polite before the handcuffs. Which, I should note, have never successfully held me. Because they are made of metal. This is relevant to my application.

Interviewer

Right. So, why does the Master of Magnetism want to work for the TSA?

Magneto

Because your current metal detection technology is an embarrassment. I walked through your checkpoint on the way to this interview. I was wearing a metal helmet, a metal-reinforced cape, and metal boots. Your machine beeped. The agent waved a wand. The wand beeped. He asked me to remove my belt. I am not wearing a belt. He waved me through. I was carrying enough metal to build a small car, and your best technology's conclusion was 'probably a belt.' I can do better. I AM better.

Interviewer

How would you actually perform the screening process?

Magneto

I would stand at the entrance to the security area. Passengers would walk past me. As they walk past, I scan them — not with a machine, not with a wand, with my mind. I feel every piece of metal on their person. The zipper on their jacket. The fillings in their teeth. The titanium rod in their knee from that skiing accident in 2014. The knife in their carry-on that your X-ray machine would have caught on the third pass, maybe. I catch it instantly. I raise my hand. The knife floats out of the bag. Security is called. The line keeps moving. Average screening time: 1.3 seconds per passenger.

Interviewer

That's impressive, but we have a uniform policy. Every TSA agent wears the standard-issue —

Magneto

No. Absolutely not. I will not wear polyester. I will not wear a polo shirt with an embroidered logo. I have survived concentration camps, prison, and the complete collapse of the geopolitical order, and I will not be brought low by a short-sleeved button-down in government blue. The cape stays. The helmet stays. If you require a name badge, I will pin it to the cape. Magnetically. It will hover slightly. This will look impressive and inspire confidence in travelers.

Interviewer

What would you do if a passenger refused the screening? Say they didn't want a pat-down?

Magneto

I would simply remove the metal from their person. All of it. Belt buckle — gone, floating three feet to the left. Zipper — removed, pants now technically buttonless. Underwire — extracted with surgical precision. Coins, keys, phone — all hovering in a neat orbit around my hand. The passenger is now metal-free. No pat-down required. They may need new pants, but they are cleared for boarding. Next.

Interviewer

That sounds like it could violate several personal rights.

Magneto

I have spent my entire life fighting for personal rights. The right of mutants to exist without persecution. The right to board an aircraft without being treated like a criminal. The right to wear a cape in a professional setting. These are the rights I care about. The right to keep a concealed knife in your carry-on is not among them. That knife is mine now. All metal belongs to me. This is not a policy. It is a law of nature.

Interviewer

Let's talk about the bigger picture. How would you improve airport security overall?

Magneto

Phase One: Replace all metal detectors with me. Phase Two: Remove all metal from airports entirely. Metal chairs — replaced with wood. Metal railings — replaced with rope. Aircraft — I will hold them together magnetically during flight from the ground. This eliminates the possibility of any metal weapon entering the airport because there is no metal in the airport. Passengers will fly in wooden planes held aloft by my will. It is the safest system imaginable.

Interviewer

Wooden planes held together by your willpower? What if you take a day off?

Magneto

I do not take days off. I am Magneto. But your concern is noted, and it reveals a fundamental misunderstanding of my proposal. I am not suggesting I personally hold every aircraft in the sky simultaneously — that would be irresponsible. I would hold a maximum of forty aircraft at once. Fifty on holidays. Beyond that, we would need to hire additional mutants, which brings me to my Phase Three proposal: a mutant workforce initiative that replaces the entire TSA with electromagnetically gifted individuals. Charles would hate this idea, which is how I know it is good.

Interviewer

Have you ever worked in a team environment? TSA is very team-oriented.

Magneto

I have led the Brotherhood of Mutants for decades. 'Brotherhood' is literally in the name. We are a team. A team with occasional infighting, defections, and one incident where Toad was left behind during a tactical retreat — but a team nonetheless. I am an excellent leader. I inspire loyalty through a combination of charismatic speeches about mutant supremacy and the implicit threat that I can rip the iron from a person's blood. This tends to reduce workplace conflict.

Interviewer

One more question. Your background check flagged several... incidents. International terrorism charges, attempted genocide, moving national landmarks without permission —

Magneto

Those charges were politically motivated. The submarine incident was self-defense. The stadium was a protest. And the Golden Gate Bridge was a logistical necessity — have you ever tried to get to Alcatraz by boat? Terrible service. But I understand your concern, and I want to assure you: my days of large-scale magnetic events are behind me. I am focused now on public service. Small-scale magnetic events. Screening passengers. Confiscating pocket knives. Living simply. Though I will need a parking space with no metal in a 50-foot radius. My car floats when I'm anxious.

Interviewer

Is there anything else you'd like us to know?

Magneto

Yes. The filing cabinet behind you contains personnel files for every employee on this floor. I have been reading them magnetically for the past twenty minutes. Gerald in accounting is embezzling. Janet in HR has a metal hip she didn't disclose on her health form. And your interviewer badge has a tracking chip that your employer did not tell you about. I am not just good at finding metal. I am good at finding the truth. Hire me. Or don't. But know that every time you walk through a metal detector that beeps at your belt buckle, you will think of me. And you will know that I would have been faster.