Season 1 · Episode 3
Superman & Lois
Fortress vs. Two-Bedroom
Clark Kent wants a Fortress of Solitude. Lois Lane wants a 2-bedroom in Metropolis with a good school district. He says they can compromise. She says Antarctica is not a compromise. He keeps accidentally breaking every doorknob they touch.
Meet the Buyers
Clark Kent, 33 & Lois Lane, 31
NARRATOR: Clark Kent is a reporter at the Daily Planet. Lois Lane is also a reporter at the Daily Planet. They're looking for their first home together. They have... different visions.
CLARK: I've always dreamed of a Fortress of Solitude. Somewhere remote. Quiet. Maybe in the Arctic.
LOIS: And I've always dreamed of a two-bedroom in Metropolis with exposed brick, a dishwasher, and a school district that doesn't rank below a prison cafeteria on Yelp.
CLARK: We can compromise.
LOIS: Clark, Antarctica is not a compromise. Compromise is me wanting stainless steel and you wanting brushed nickel. It's not "continent where no humans live."
CLARK: Some scientists live there.
LOIS: We are not scientists, Clark.
REALTOR MARIA: So... what's the budget?
CLARK: Reporter salaries. So—
LOIS: Modest. The budget is modest. But we want everything.
House #1
The Metropolis Brownstone — $485K
3 Bed · 2 Bath · Original Details · No Crystal Fortress
MARIA: This is a beautiful brownstone in the Midvale neighborhood. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, original hardwood floors—
CLARK: *reaches for doorknob, rips it clean off the door* Sorry. Sorry. I just... the knob was... loose.
MARIA: That was a brand-new knob.
LOIS: He has a firm handshake. It's a whole thing.
CLARK: *squinting at walls* The pipes behind this wall are corroded. Third joint from the left, about four inches in. And the foundation has a hairline fracture running northeast to southwest under the basement.
MARIA: How... how do you know that?
CLARK: I have a... good eye.
LOIS: He reads a lot of home inspection blogs.
CLARK: Also, the neighbor's dog has fleas. I can see them from here.
MARIA: The neighbor lives three houses away.
LOIS: Really good eyes.
PROS
- • Great school district (Lois excited)
- • Exposed brick, hardwood floors
- • Walking distance to Daily Planet
- • Backyard for a dog (or landing)
CONS
- • Not a Fortress (Clark disappointed)
- • Corroded pipes (Clark x-rayed them)
- • Doorknob casualty count: 2
- • Zero crystal structures
MARIA'S INNER MONOLOGUE: He ripped off two doorknobs. With his hands. He diagnosed the plumbing by looking at a wall. He can see fleas on a dog three houses away. Either this man has the most advanced home inspection technology hidden in his glasses, or something deeply unusual is happening. I'm choosing not to investigate.
House #2
The Fortress of Solitude — $0 (He Built It)
Arctic Circle · Crystal Construction · 0 Neighbors · -60°F Average
MARIA: Okay, so Clark insisted on showing us a property he already... built? In the Arctic?
CLARK: It's crystal-based construction. Very eco-friendly. Zero carbon footprint. Fully solar-powered. And it's already furnished. By Kryptonian standards.
LOIS: Clark, the nearest grocery store is four thousand miles away.
CLARK: I can get there in six seconds.
LOIS: I cannot get there in six seconds. I would die, Clark. Literally die. Of cold. In the Arctic. Where you've built a house made of ice crystals.
CLARK: It's Kryptonian crystal, not ice. Very different. It maintains a constant 68 degrees inside.
LOIS: Where's the bathroom?
CLARK: ...
LOIS: Clark.
CLARK: I don't... technically need one.
LOIS: I NEED ONE, CLARK.
PROS
- • Free (already built)
- • Zero neighbors (ultimate solitude)
- • Crystal architecture (stunning)
- • Clark absolutely loves it
CONS
- • Antarctica
- • No bathroom
- • No grocery stores within 4,000 miles
- • Lois would "literally die of cold"
- • School district: nonexistent
MARIA'S INNER MONOLOGUE: I am standing in the Arctic Circle. My client built a house out of crystals. There is no bathroom. There is no address. I cannot list this on the MLS. I am not licensed to sell real estate in Antarctica because nobody is. I can feel my commission evaporating like my will to continue this career.
House #3
The Smallville Farmhouse — $210K
4 Bed · 2 Bath · 80 Acres · Suspicious Crater in Field
MARIA: This is a classic Kansas farmhouse. Four bedrooms, wraparound porch, eighty acres—
CLARK: *staring at the field with visible emotion* This... this looks exactly like—
LOIS: Don't say it.
CLARK: It looks like the farm I grew up on.
LOIS: I know what it looks like, Clark.
CLARK: *opens the front door, rips off the doorknob* I'm going to stop apologizing for the doorknobs. It's happening. It's who I am.
LOIS: The commute to the Daily Planet would be—
CLARK: Thirty seconds.
LOIS: For YOU. For me, it's a three-hour drive. Each way. Six hours a day commuting.
CLARK: I could fly you.
LOIS: I am not arriving at work via my husband.
MARIA: There's a... crater in the back field. The listing says "natural landscape feature."
CLARK: *suspiciously quiet* Interesting. Moving on.
PROS
- • Affordable ($210K)
- • 80 acres of privacy for "hobbies"
- • Nostalgic for Clark (suspiciously so)
- • Room for a dog, kids, and landing strip
CONS
- • Rural Kansas (Lois is a city person)
- • 3-hour commute for non-flying humans
- • Unexplained crater in backyard
- • Doorknob casualty count now: 5
MARIA'S INNER MONOLOGUE: He got emotional looking at a cornfield. He offered to fly his wife to work. He has broken five doorknobs today and stopped apologizing after the third one. There is an impact crater in the backyard that he very specifically did not want to discuss. I am not a detective. I am a realtor. I sell houses. I do not investigate craters. I will not investigate the crater.
The Decision
And the Winners Are...
NARRATOR: After a tense deliberation that reportedly lasted four hours and involved a PowerPoint presentation from Lois and a holographic display from Clark—
LOIS: We're going with the Metropolis brownstone. It has the school district, the commute, and walls that aren't made of alien crystals.
CLARK: And I negotiated the corroded pipes into a $15,000 price reduction. Because I could see them. With my... blog knowledge.
LOIS: He's keeping the Fortress as a "weekend place."
CLARK: Every man needs a getaway.
LOIS: Most men's getaways have bathrooms, Clark.
CLARK: I'm adding a bathroom. And a kitchen. And a bedroom. Basically, I'm building a house inside the Fortress.
LOIS: So you're building a house inside a house.
CLARK: A crystal house inside a crystal house. It's called architecture, Lois.
3 Months Later
The Update
NARRATOR: It's been three months since Clark and Lois purchased the Metropolis brownstone.
LOIS: The house is wonderful. We replaced the corroded pipes — Clark found twelve more problems the inspector missed, including a colony of termites in the attic that he spotted from the kitchen. The school district is excellent. The neighborhood is walkable. I love it.
CLARK: I've replaced all the doorknobs with reinforced titanium. Custom-ordered from a... specialty supplier. I haven't broken one in three weeks, which is a personal record.
NARRATOR: And the Fortress?
CLARK: It now has a bathroom, a kitchen, a bedroom, a guest room, and a home theater. Lois has been there twice. She wore four jackets.
LOIS: It was negative sixty, Clark. I could see my breath INSIDE the "heated" rooms. The bathroom had icicles. The shower was technically ice water. You called it "refreshing."
CLARK: It was refreshing.
NARRATOR: And realtor Maria?
MARIA: *on the phone* I've started requiring all clients to fill out a questionnaire before the first showing. Question one: "Can you see through walls?" Question two: "Have you ever accidentally destroyed a doorknob?" Question three: "Do you own property on any continent where humans do not normally reside?" It has saved me a lot of time.
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