Season 1 · Episode 6
Aquaman
Beachfront on a Fisherman's Salary
Arthur Curry is a commercial fisherman who needs direct ocean access. His budget is $180,000. In a beachfront market. His realtor, Kim, keeps showing him houses with pools. Arthur keeps explaining that a pool is not the ocean. Every house he visits develops mysterious water damage within minutes of his arrival. Kim has not connected the dots yet.
Meet the Buyer
Arthur Curry, 34, Commercial Fisherman
NARRATOR: Arthur Curry is a 34-year-old commercial fisherman from a small coastal town in Maine. He describes himself as "deeply connected to the ocean" and needs a home with direct water access. His budget is $180,000, which in beachfront real estate will buy you a parking spot with an ocean view.
ARTHUR: I need to be able to walk into the ocean from my front door. Not drive to the ocean. Not "ocean view." Not "ocean adjacent." I need to wake up, walk outside, and be in salt water within 30 seconds.
REALTOR KIM: On $180,000.
ARTHUR: Is that not enough?
KIM: Beachfront in Maine starts at about $800,000 for a shack. A nice shack, but a shack.
ARTHUR: I could live underwater. That would solve the access issue. Are there any underwater listings?
KIM: No. That is not a thing.
ARTHUR: It should be a thing. There's so much space down there. The zoning regulations are very relaxed.
KIM: Because fish don't have zoning boards.
ARTHUR: You'd be surprised.
House #1
The Inland Cottage — $165K
2 Bed · 1 Bath · 4 Miles from Ocean · Has a Pool
KIM: This cottage is under budget at $165K, and it comes with a pool—
ARTHUR: How far from the ocean?
KIM: Four miles.
ARTHUR: Four miles. FOUR MILES. That is not the ocean. That is a commute to the ocean. I do not commute to water. I AM water.
KIM: But there's a pool—
ARTHUR: *stares at the pool* That's a bathtub with delusions of grandeur. A pool is not the ocean. A pool is chlorinated sadness in a concrete hole. The ocean has tides. Currents. Life. A pool has... a floating noodle and regret.
KIM: The pool is heated.
ARTHUR: The ocean is heated by the Earth's core. Your pool is heated by a gas bill.
Arthur walks into the bathroom and turns on the bathtub. He stares into the water for an uncomfortable amount of time. Kim hears him murmuring. She decides not to investigate.
KIM: Everything okay in there?
ARTHUR: Fine. Just... checking the water pressure. *whispers into the faucet* Tell the council I'll be late.
PROS
- • Under budget ($165K)
- • Has a pool (not the ocean but wet)
- • Good water pressure (Arthur tested personally)
CONS
- • 4 miles from ocean (unacceptable)
- • Pool is "chlorinated sadness"
- • Mysterious water damage appeared during showing
- • Arthur whispered into the faucet
KIM'S INNER MONOLOGUE: He called my pool "chlorinated sadness in a concrete hole." He whispered into the bathtub faucet. When we left, the pipes in the cottage were making a noise that sounded disturbingly like a reply. Also, the basement has water damage that wasn't on the inspection report. It appeared in the twenty minutes we were there. I don't know how to explain any of this.
House #2
The Harbor Houseboat — $195K
1 Bed · 1 Bath · On Water (Technically) · Over Budget
KIM: Okay, so this is slightly over budget, but it's literally on the water—
ARTHUR: *already standing on the deck, arms outstretched* Yes. YES. I can smell the salt. I can feel the tides. The ocean is RIGHT HERE. This is what I'm talking about.
KIM: It's a houseboat. One bedroom, one bath—
ARTHUR: I can step off the deck and be in the ocean. Kim. KIM. That's a 3-second commute. That is the dream.
KIM: It's $15K over your budget—
ARTHUR: I will sell more fish. I know a lot of fish. Personally. Some of them owe me favors.
KIM: You... know fish personally?
ARTHUR: I'm in the fishing industry. Networking. With fish. It's a niche market.
Arthur fills the bathtub, sits next to it, and appears to hold a full conversation with the water. Kim stands in the hallway, texting her husband: "He is talking to the bathtub. Not IN the bathtub. TO the bathtub."
ARTHUR: The fish approve of this location. Good school of bass nearby. The lobster community is welcoming.
KIM: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
PROS
- • ON the water (3-second ocean commute)
- • Arthur emotionally ecstatic
- • Fish community approved the location
- • Lobsters are welcoming
CONS
- • $15K over budget
- • 1 bedroom (tiny)
- • Not earthquake-proof (it's a boat)
- • Arthur talks to the bathtub
House #3
The Coastal Fixer-Upper — $175K
2 Bed · 1 Bath · Ocean View · 200 Yards from Beach · Needs Everything
KIM: This is a fixer-upper, 200 yards from the beach. It needs new floors, a new roof, updated plumbing—
ARTHUR: 200 yards. That's... I can see the water from the window. I can hear the waves. It's not ON the water, but it's... dating the water. They're in a committed relationship.
KIM: The plumbing is completely shot—
ARTHUR: I can fix plumbing. I have a... natural affinity for water systems.
Arthur turns on the kitchen sink. The entire house's plumbing system activates simultaneously — every faucet, every toilet, the sprinklers outside. Water pressure doubles. Kim steps backward.
KIM: What just happened?
ARTHUR: The plumbing is fine, actually. Just needed some encouragement.
KIM: The inspection report says there's water damage in every room.
ARTHUR: That was there before me.
KIM: We've been here twelve minutes.
ARTHUR: ...Water moves fast.
PROS
- • Under budget ($175K)
- • 200 yards from ocean
- • Plumbing "fixed itself"
- • Arthur can hear the waves
CONS
- • Needs new roof, floors, everything
- • Water damage in every room (suspicious)
- • All faucets turned on simultaneously (very suspicious)
- • 200 yards is "not ON the water"
KIM'S INNER MONOLOGUE: Every house this man enters develops water damage. He touched the kitchen sink and every plumbing fixture in the house activated at once. He talks to bathtubs. He claims to know fish "personally." The water damage follows him like a cloud. HE is the water damage. I am showing houses to the water damage.
The Decision
And the Winner Is...
ARTHUR: I'm going with the fixer-upper. It's under budget, 200 yards from the ocean, and the plumbing already respects me. The water damage isn't a bug — it's a feature. It means the house and I understand each other.
KIM: That is the most unusual reason anyone has ever chosen a house.
ARTHUR: I'll fix the roof myself. The floors, too. And I'm adding a saltwater pool. Not a chlorine pool. Chlorine is an insult to water.
KIM: And the houseboat?
ARTHUR: That's my office now. I bought it too. I need somewhere to take meetings.
KIM: Meetings with who?
ARTHUR: ...Colleagues.
3 Months Later
The Update
NARRATOR: It's been three months since Arthur purchased the coastal fixer-upper and the houseboat.
ARTHUR: The house is great. I fixed the roof, the floors, and the plumbing — which, for the record, was already fine. I also installed a saltwater pool connected to the ocean via an underground channel I dug myself. The HOA has questions. I have told them it's for "sustainability purposes."
NARRATOR: And the water damage?
ARTHUR: Still happening. But only in rooms I'm not in. When I'm present, the water behaves. It's almost like it's... showing off for me? I don't know how to explain that without sounding insane.
NARRATOR: And the houseboat office?
ARTHUR: Very productive. I take all my meetings there. My colleagues are... punctual. And slippery. And have an average lifespan of 12 years. But their feedback is invaluable.
NARRATOR: And realtor Kim?
KIM: I no longer show waterfront properties. I sell desert homes now. In Arizona. Where there is no water. At all. If a client mentions the ocean, I refer them to another agent. It's better this way. For everyone.
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