Season 1 · Episode 2
Gollum:
Addicted to Shiny Things
Everyone knows about the Ring. What they don't know is that Gollum's obsession has expanded to include every reflective surface on Middle-earth. Spoons. Tinfoil. Car keys. A disco ball he stole from a hobbit's birthday party. Current precious count: 847.
Cold Open
“We finds it. We keeps it. It's ours. All of it. Every shiny. Every glint. Every sparkle.”
The camera follows a hunched figure through a damp cave system. The walls glitter — not from mineral deposits, but from hundreds of stolen objects taped, glued, and nailed to every surface. Spoons from Denny's. A hubcap from a 1997 Honda Civic. Forty-seven gum wrappers arranged by reflectivity. A disco ball hanging from a stalactite, spinning slowly, casting tiny lights across a hoard that would make a magpie weep.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
“Gollum, can you walk us through your collection?”
GOLLUM
“My precious... and also my precious... and that one too. That's precious. That's very precious. That spoon is medium precious. We ranks them, yes we does.”
Meet Gollum
Age: ~589 · Formerly Sméagol · Professional Collector
Gollum, approximately 589 years old, was once a hobbit-like creature named Sméagol who lived a quiet life by the river. Then he found a shiny ring, murdered his best friend for it, and spent 500 years in a cave talking to himself. Standard origin story.
After the Ring was destroyed, most people assumed Gollum would find peace. They were catastrophically wrong. Without the Ring to fixate on, Gollum's obsession expanded to include every shiny object in existence. He now maintains a meticulously categorized collection of 847 “preciouses” stored across three cave systems and a rented storage unit in Bree.
SAMWISE GAMGEE (NEIGHBOR)
“He stole my garden shears. Not because he needed them. Because they were polished. I bought matte-finish replacements. He returned them the next day with a note that said ‘Not precious. Disappointed in you.’”
The Addiction
Escalation Timeline
Day 1
The Spoon
It started at Denny's. Gollum spotted a spoon catching the fluorescent light and froze. His pupils dilated. His fingers twitched. Before the waitress could say “Grand Slam,” the spoon was gone. He cradled it all the way home, whispering “precious” to a utensil worth twelve cents.
Day 14
The Tinfoil Phase
Gollum discovered aluminum foil at a grocery store and bought 47 rolls. He wallpapered his cave with it. The reflections created an infinite loop of shininess that he described as “the most beautiful thing we has seen since precious.” He sat in the center for 11 hours without moving.
Day 30
The Disco Ball Incident
Gollum attended a hobbit's birthday party uninvited. When the disco ball was turned on, witnesses say he let out a shriek that shattered two wine glasses. He climbed the ceiling, detached the disco ball, and fled into the night clutching it like a newborn. The host filed a police report. Gollum left a note: “It was calling to us. You wouldn't understand.”
Day 60
The Classification System
Gollum developed a five-tier ranking system for his collection. Tier 1: “Precious” (extremely shiny). Tier 2: “Almost Precious” (very shiny). Tier 3: “Acceptable” (moderately shiny). Tier 4: “Disappointing But We Keeps It” (slightly shiny). Tier 5: “Why Did We Take This” (a rock that turned out to be wet, not shiny). He maintains a spreadsheet. He does not own a computer. The spreadsheet is carved into a cave wall.
The Intervention
Participants: Gandalf, Sam, Frodo, Dr. Elrond (Therapist)
The intervention was held in a neutral location — Rivendell's conference room. Gollum was lured there with a trail of sequins. Dr. Elrond, a licensed therapist and immortal elf lord, facilitated. He was wearing his least shiny robe as a precaution.
GANDALF
“Sméagol, we are gathered here because your behavior has become concerning. You broke into Gimli's home and stole his axe. Not to use. To polish.”
SAM
“Mr. Frodo's mithril coat went missing last month. We found it in Gollum's cave, hanging from the ceiling like a chandelier. He'd attached 200 spoons to it.”
DR. ELROND
“Sméagol, I'd like you to tell us how the shiny objects make you feel.”
GOLLUM
“They makes us feel... complete. Like the world is less dark. Less cold. Less — ooh, is that a new watch?”
At this point, Gollum lunged across the table and removed Dr. Elrond's Rolex in 0.3 seconds. The session was paused for 45 minutes while they negotiated its return. Gollum agreed to give it back only after being promised a “slightly less shiny but still acceptable” replacement. They gave him a Casio. He wept.
FRODO
“I carried a Ring to Mount Doom. I nearly died. I lost a finger. And somehow, dealing with Gollum's spoon collection is harder.”
Expert Opinion
Dr. Radagast the Brown — Wildlife Behavioral Therapy (Repurposed)
“What we're observing in Sméagol is a textbook case of generalized object fixation that has metastasized beyond its original target. The Ring was the gateway shiny. Once it was gone, his brain replaced it with every reflective surface available. It's like watching a magpie with 500 years of unresolved trauma.”
“I recommended exposure therapy: placing him in a room with zero shiny objects. We tried it. He found shininess in a glass of water. He stared at it for three hours. He named the water droplet ‘Gerald.’ We abandoned that approach.”
Where Are They Now?
6 Months After Filming
Gollum expanded his collection to 1,247 items. He was briefly employed by a jewelry store as a security consultant. He was fired after he was caught wearing all the inventory at once and whispering “they're all precious now” to himself in the break room.
Dr. Elrond never got his Rolex back. The Casio was returned two days later with a note: “Not precious. Insulting. We expected better from immortal beings.” Elrond has since switched to a sundial.
The disco ball remains the crown jewel of Gollum's collection. He has installed a motor so it rotates continuously. He sits beneath it every evening for what he calls “precious time.” He has invited no one. Attendance is Gollum-only. He describes it as “the best party in Middle-earth.”
Get Glen’s Updates
Investing insights, new tools, and whatever I’m building this week. Free. No spam.
Unsubscribe anytime. I respect your inbox more than Congress respects property rights.
More Strange Addictions
Batman: Addicted to Buying Gadgets
47 Batarangs. Shark repellent on sale. The Batcave is a Superfund site.
Read moreEpisode 3Thor: Addicted to Dramatic Entrances
14 doorframes destroyed. Thunder indoors. Property damage: $2.3M.
Read moreEpisode 8Gandalf: Addicted to "You Shall Not Pass!"
Toll booths. Airport security. Banned from 3 highways.
Read moreAll Episodes
The complete first season. 10 interventions. 0 recoveries.
Read more