Batman:
Addicted to Buying Gadgets

ALFRED

“I've organized the cave three times this month, sir. Each time I finish, there are 40 new boxes. He orders in his sleep. I've watched him do it. He opens his phone, whispers ‘Lucius, I need something that shoots,’ and goes back to sleep. The order processes by morning.”

ALFRED

“Master Wayne, we're all here because we love you. And because the cave is at 147% capacity. The bats have left, sir. You've displaced the actual bats.”

LUCIUS FOX

“Bruce, you ordered 300 smoke pellets last Tuesday. You fight crime maybe four nights a week. That's 75 smoke pellets per outing. Nobody needs that much smoke. You're not a fog machine.”

COMMISSIONER GORDON

“I turned on the Bat-Signal last week. He showed up in a new suit. Different suit than Monday. Different suit than Wednesday. I asked how many suits he has. He said ‘enough.’ Alfred mouthed ‘forty-three’ behind his back.”

DICK GRAYSON (NIGHTWING)

“He bought me a grappling hook for Christmas. And my birthday. And Arbor Day. I have 19 grappling hooks, Bruce. I'm one person. I have two hands.”

BATMAN

“I appreciate everyone's concern. But I'd like to point out that I have never been attacked by a shark. You're welcome.”

“What we're seeing with Bruce is a classic case of compensatory acquisition disorder. The gadgets aren't about crime-fighting. They're about control. Every Batarang is a tiny fortress against the chaos he experienced as a child. The shark repellent is particularly telling — it's a defense against a threat that literally does not exist in his environment.”

“I recommended a 30-day gadget detox. No purchases. No browsing. No ‘just looking.’ He lasted four hours. On hour five, he asked Lucius to build him a pen that was also a taser. He said it was ‘for meetings.’”

Bruce Wayne did not reduce his gadget spending. He increased it by 23%. He now owns a Bat-jet ski, a Bat-snowmobile, and a Bat-Segway that he has never used because, in his words, “Segways aren't intimidating enough yet, but I'm working on it.” Wayne Enterprises stock dropped another 4% after he purchased a decommissioned submarine from the Russian Navy.

Alfred took a two-week vacation to the English countryside. When he returned, the east wing had been converted into a “Gadget Museum” with guided audio tours. Bruce had recorded the narration himself. Alfred's suitcase contained a resignation letter he ultimately did not submit, though he did laminate it “for next time.”

The Batcave was featured in an episode of “Hoarders: Extreme Edition.” The organizing consultant lasted 45 minutes before finding a live smoke pellet in the couch cushions and evacuating the premises. Gotham City has since classified the Batcave as a Superfund site.

The shark repellent has never been used. Bruce considers this proof that it works.