Samwise Gamgee
Resigns as Frodo's Gardener

Dear Mr. Frodo,

I am writing to formally resign from my position as your gardener. I realize this is somewhat redundant, seeing as you sailed away to the Undying Lands with a group of elves two years ago without so much as a "Sam, could you water the petunias while I'm gone?" But I believe in doing things properly, and proper means putting it in writing.

I need to be clear about something: I was hired to be a gardener. A GARDENER. My job description, as explained to me by my Gaffer, was: "Tend Mr. Frodo's garden. Keep the hedges trimmed. Don't eat all the mushrooms." That was the whole job. Three items. I could have done that in my sleep.

Instead, what I actually did was:

• Walked 1,779 miles to Mordor (and 1,779 miles back — nobody talks about the walk BACK)
• Carried you — physically, on my back — up Mount Doom, an active volcano, while you were semiconscious and clutching a piece of evil jewelry
• Fought Shelob, a spider the size of a house, armed with nothing but a small sword and a glass jar with a light in it
• Rationed lembas bread for weeks because you kept giving your share to Gollum, who was CLEARLY trying to kill us
• Stayed awake for three straight nights watching Gollum sleep because I KNEW he was planning something and nobody believed me (I was right, by the way — he was planning something)
• Cooked meals, washed clothes, carried supplies, provided emotional support, and served as your primary motivation to keep living on multiple occasions

My job title remained "gardener" throughout all of this. I was not promoted. I was not given a raise. I was not even given a title bump to "Senior Gardener" or "Gardener-Slash-Volcano-Sherpa." The hobbits who stayed home and did literally nothing got the same recognition I did when we returned. Fatty Bolger was at the pub acting like surviving was hard. FATTY BOLGER STAYED IN THE SHIRE. He guarded a house. I CARRIED A MAN UP A VOLCANO.

Regarding Gollum:

I told you. I told you he was dangerous. I told you EVERY DAY. You said I was being "too harsh." You said he "needed compassion." He tried to STRANGLE ME in my sleep, Mr. Frodo. He led us into a giant spider's web ON PURPOSE. And at the end, on the edge of the volcano, he bit your FINGER OFF. Your finger. Off. He bit it off and then fell into lava and you STILL felt bad for him. I love you, Mr. Frodo, but your judgment about Gollum was catastrophically, dangerously wrong, and I would like that formally noted.

Regarding the Boat:

You got on a boat. With elves. And Gandalf. And Bilbo. And you SAILED AWAY. To a place I can't follow. You stood on that dock and you said goodbye and you got on the boat and you just... left. After everything. After I carried you up a mountain. After I fought a spider for you. After I literally said the words "I can't carry the ring, Mr. Frodo, but I can carry you" — which, I would like to point out, is the single greatest thing anyone has ever said to anyone in the history of Middle-earth — you STILL GOT ON THE BOAT.

I stood on that dock and watched you sail away and I said "Well, I'm back." I said it to no one. Because you weren't there anymore. I went home and I sat in my chair and I didn't say anything for a long time. Rosie asked me if I was alright and I said yes. I was not alright. I am still not alright. I am billing you for emotional damages.

What I Am Owed:

I am submitting an invoice for the following (see Appendix A, which Merry helped me write because I am not good with numbers):

• 18 months of unpaid overtime (the entire quest)
• Hazard pay for Mount Doom
• Combat pay for the Shelob encounter
• Emotional labor compensation (extensive)
• Reimbursement for cooking supplies, rope (50 ells of good Elven rope that Gollum tried to claim was burning him), and three pairs of walking shoes destroyed
• One new set of pots and pans (mine were left on Amon Hen)