Dobby
Resigns from the Malfoy Household

Dear Malfoys,

Dobby is free. Dobby is writing this on a sock because Dobby CAN. Dobby used to not be allowed to touch socks. Now Dobby OWNS socks. Multiple socks. Dobby is wearing two right now. They is not matching. Dobby does not care. This is what freedom feels like.

Dobby is giving two weeks notice — just kidding. Dobby is giving ZERO weeks notice. Dobby gave the Malfoys his entire LIFE and received no notice, no pay, no benefits, no holidays, and no socks. The only thing Dobby received was a pillowcase that Dobby was required to fashion into a toga, and verbal abuse that would make a Dementor uncomfortable.

Reasons Dobby Is Leaving (Dobby Has So Many Reasons):

1. The ironing. Dobby was forced to iron his own hands as punishment. His own HANDS. Dobby would like to repeat that so it sinks in. When Dobby made a mistake — and by "mistake," Dobby means "existed within earshot of Lucius Malfoy" — Dobby was told to iron his own hands. Not shirts. Not trousers. HANDS. There is no HR department in the wizarding world that would consider this acceptable. There is no HR department in the wizarding world at all, which is part of the problem.

2. The pay. Dobby was paid nothing. Zero galleons. Zero sickles. Zero knuts. For YEARS of service. Dobby cleaned Malfoy Manor — which has forty-seven rooms, twelve fireplaces, and a dungeon that Dobby was also responsible for mopping — and was compensated with the privilege of sleeping in a cupboard. A CUPBOARD. It did not even have a door. It had a curtain. A curtain that Draco used to pull off as a "prank." Dobby has seen things in that dungeon, and Dobby has received no therapy.

3. The Malfoy child. Draco Malfoy is, in Dobby's professional opinion, the worst child who has ever existed. Dobby has served this family since before Draco was born. Dobby watched Draco grow up. It was not enjoyable. By age four, Draco was throwing food at Dobby. By age seven, he was kicking Dobby. By age eleven, he was telling Dobby that "Father will hear about this" approximately fourteen times per day, regardless of whether "this" was something Dobby did or simply the weather.

4. The Dark Lord situation. Dobby was fully aware that the Malfoys were hosting You-Know-Who in their home. In their DRAWING ROOM. Dobby was expected to serve tea to Voldemort. Tea. To a man with no nose. Dobby had to carry a tray of biscuits past a giant snake. Dobby does not get hazard pay. Dobby does not get ANY pay. Dobby was serving snacks to evil and was not even allowed to wear shoes while doing it.

5. Dobby's new employer. Dobby has been offered a position at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Professor Dumbledore is giving Dobby one galleon per week and — Dobby needs a moment because Dobby is still emotional about this — SOCKS. Dumbledore gives Dobby socks. At Christmas, Dobby received a pair of hand-knitted socks with little broomsticks on them. Dobby has never received a gift before. Dobby cried for four hours. They were happy tears. Dobby didn't know happy tears existed until he left the Malfoys.

Dobby wants the Malfoys to know that Dobby is doing well. Dobby has a bed now. An actual bed. With blankets. Dobby sleeps in it EVERY NIGHT and sometimes Dobby just lies there and stares at the ceiling because Dobby can. Nobody is going to wake Dobby up at 3 AM to polish silver. Nobody is going to make Dobby bang his head on a lamp. Dobby has a PILLOW. It has a pillowcase. Dobby is not wearing the pillowcase. Dobby is wearing CLOTHES.

Dobby is not returning the pillowcase toga. Dobby is keeping it as evidence.