Gandalf Pitches
a Fellowship to VCs

Welcome, Mr.… Gandalf. Just Gandalf? No last name?

I have many names. Gandalf the Grey. Mithrandir. Olórin. Tharkun. The Grey Pilgrim. For the purposes of this meeting, Gandalf will suffice.

Okay. And your title?

Wizard.

Is that like a technical co-founder role, or—

It is like a wizard. I am a wizard. Shall I begin the pitch?

Please. You have fifteen minutes.

Fifteen minutes? I once spoke for three hours at the Council of Elrond and still had points remaining. Very well. I shall be brief.

Editor's note: He will not be brief.

The problem is simple. There exists a ring of immense power. If it falls into the wrong hands, it will destroy all free peoples of Middle-earth. The total addressable market for ‘not being enslaved by a dark lord’ is approximately 100% of the population.

Interesting. So you’re positioning this as a B2C play?

I am positioning this as a ‘survival of civilization’ play.

What’s the business model?

We destroy the ring. That is the business model.

Right, but how do you monetize?

You monetize by continuing to exist. By having a world in which money has meaning. By not being consumed by shadow and flame.

So there’s no revenue?

[Slowly] There is no revenue. There is only the quest.

Let’s talk about the team. Who’s on the Fellowship?

Nine members. Myself as chief strategy officer. Aragorn, who is the rightful king of Gondor but currently unemployed. Legolas, an elf with excellent vision and approximately 2,000 years of experience. Gimli, a dwarf — handles underground operations. Boromir, who is passionate but has concerning alignment issues. And four hobbits.

Editor's note: The VCs exchange glances at ‘four hobbits.’

Four hobbits? What do they bring to the table?

They are small, resilient, and surprisingly resistant to corruption. The CEO of this operation is a hobbit. His name is Frodo. He is three feet tall and has never left his village.

Your CEO has no experience?

He has something better than experience. He has innocence. And second breakfast.

What’s the burn rate?

The Balrog has an extraordinary burn rate. Actual fire. We lost our entire underground infrastructure in Moria.

I meant financial burn rate.

We have no finances. We are funded by a single elven lord who gave us some bread and a few boats. The bread does not expire, which I believe qualifies as proprietary technology.

Lembas bread as proprietary tech. That’s… interesting. What about competition?

Our primary competitor is Sauron, a disembodied dark lord who controls approximately 300,000 orcs, several Nazgûl, and an all-seeing surveillance platform he calls ‘the Eye.’ His market share in evil is 100%.

So you’re a David vs. Goliath play. We like those. What’s the exit strategy?

Through the Mines of Moria, if we must.

Editor's note: He means this literally.

I mean, what’s the endgame? IPO? Acquisition?

The endgame is throwing a small piece of jewelry into a volcano. That is the entire exit.

And after that?

After that, Aragorn becomes king. The hobbits go home. I sail to the Undying Lands. Everyone lives, hopefully.

None of that creates shareholder value.

ALL OF IT creates value. The value is life itself! The value is the Shire! The value is a world where children can play and trees can grow and—

Editor's note: Gandalf stands up. His staff glows faintly. The conference room lights flicker.

Is… is your stick glowing?

It does that when I am passionate about a subject. Do you wish to see what happens when I am truly passionate?

That won’t be necessary. Let me ask one more question. What happens if you fail?

Then Sauron covers all the lands in a second darkness. Every city falls. Every free person is enslaved. The world as you know it ends.

So there’s no downside protection?

The downside is the extinction of all that is good. The upside is survival. I believe this is what you call ‘asymmetric risk.’

He’s not wrong, Brent.

We’ll get back to you, Gandalf. We need to discuss internally.

A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. But he does expect a term sheet by Friday.

Editor's note: He does not receive a term sheet by Friday. He receives a polite pass email that Gandalf describes as ‘the most cowardly document since the kinslaying at Alqualondë.’

Provide financial projections (any financial projections at all)

Status: Gandalf does not believe in spreadsheets

Evaluate whether ‘survival of civilization’ qualifies as a market category

Status: Under internal debate

Submit lembas bread as IP for due diligence

Status: Elven patents are not recognized in Delaware

Update LinkedIn to reflect ‘rightful king’ status

Status: Still going by Strider

Research whether ‘Ring of Power’ constitutes a single point of failure

Status: Concluded: yes, obviously