Darth Vader's Annual
Performance Review

Lord Vader, thank you for joining us for your annual performance review. I know you’re busy with the… fleet operations.

I am always busy. The galaxy does not manage itself. Proceed.

Yes, well. Let’s start with the self-assessment. Vader, you rated yourself ‘Exceeds Expectations’ in every single category.

Editor's note: Tarkin’s hands are trembling slightly.

That is correct. I exceed expectations because my expectations are the highest in the organization. I hold myself to a standard that others find… uncomfortable.

Let’s go through each category. First: ‘Teamwork and Collaboration.’ You gave yourself a 5 out of 5.

My team follows my instructions immediately and without question. That is the definition of effective collaboration.

We have 47 formal complaints from team members this quarter, Lord Vader. All related to… choking incidents.

Those were performance interventions.

You Force-choked the head of marketing because his PowerPoint had a typo.

The word ‘Death Star’ was spelled ‘Deth Star.’ On a slide presented to the Emperor. I saved that man’s career. The Emperor would have done far worse.

He was in the ICU for three days.

And when he returned, his spelling was impeccable. Growth is uncomfortable, Janet.

Moving on. ‘Communication.’ You also gave yourself a 5. Your direct reports say they are… let me read this… ‘afraid to share bad news with Lord Vader because the last three people who did are no longer with the organization.’

They were reassigned.

To where?

Away.

Editor's note: Tarkin decides not to follow up on this.

Next category: ‘Conflict Resolution.’ You gave yourself a 5.

I resolve all conflicts. Permanently. This is measurable. My conflict resolution rate is 100%.

We prefer resolutions where both parties are still… present afterwards.

Both parties are present. One is simply less vocal than before.

Vader, the Emperor has asked me to address one specific item. The incident on the bridge of the Executor last month.

Admiral Ozzel came out of lightspeed too close to the Hoth system. He was alerted to the enemy. I took corrective action.

You promoted Captain Piett to Admiral mid-sentence while Ozzel was still choking on the floor of the bridge.

Efficient succession planning. I believe that falls under ‘Leadership and People Development.’ I gave myself a 5 in that category as well.

Lord Vader, we need to talk about the 360-degree feedback.

I am familiar with 360-degree feedback. I provide it constantly. In all directions.

Your peers had some… comments. Admiral Piett wrote: ‘Lord Vader is an effective leader who I respect and admire and please don’t show him this form.’

A glowing review.

General Veers wrote: ‘Vader leads from the front and inspires through a combination of vision and sheer terror.’

I accept this feedback. Terror is an underrated leadership tool.

An anonymous respondent wrote simply: ‘Please help us.’

Editor's note: Vader reviews this with what might be amusement behind the mask.

Anonymous feedback is the refuge of the uncommitted. In my organization, we stand behind our words. Or we do not stand at all.

Let’s discuss goals for next year. The Emperor has three priorities: locate the rebel base, capture Luke Skywalker, and reduce the Force-choking incidents by at least 30%.

I will locate the base. I will find Skywalker. As for the choking, I will take it under advisement.

We’d like to enroll you in a leadership development workshop. It’s called ‘Leading Without Intimidation.’ It’s a two-day seminar on Coruscant.

I will attend your seminar. I will provide feedback. The attendees will find it… illuminating.

That’s… that’s not a threat, is it?

I do not make threats. I make promises. Are we finished? I have a meeting with the Emperor at 16:00 and he does not appreciate tardiness.

One last thing. Your overall rating. Based on the feedback, the choking incidents, and the general… atmosphere of your department—

My rating is ‘Exceeds Expectations.’

…Yes. Exceeds Expectations. Absolutely. Well deserved.

Editor's note: Tarkin had prepared a ‘Meets Expectations’ rating but has changed it on the spot.

Do you have any feedback for us, Lord Vader? About the review process?

Yes. This meeting was 23 minutes long. That is 23 minutes I could have spent crushing the Rebellion. I find your process lacking. The form is too long. The categories are redundant. And the anonymous feedback option should be eliminated. Permanently.

[Stands. Cape billows. Exits. The door closes with a pneumatic hiss.]

[Quietly, to Tarkin] Did we just give him Exceeds Expectations?

What were we going to do, Janet? Give him Needs Improvement? To his face?

Editor's note: Janet opens the anonymous feedback form and types: ‘Please help us.’

Reduce Force-choking incidents by 30%

Status: Vader considers this aspirational, not mandatory

Enroll Vader in ‘Leading Without Intimidation’ workshop

Status: Instructor has pre-emptively requested a transfer

Submit Vader’s review to Imperial HR system

Status: Rating: Exceeds Expectations (under duress)

Submit peer feedback (non-anonymous next time)

Status: Piett is updating his will instead

Remove anonymous feedback option from review system

Status: IT is terrified but compliant