The Real Housewives of
Florence

Painter. Sculptor. Engineer. Architect. Anatomist. Inventor. Musician. Writer. Has started 47 projects this season and finished 3. His studio looks like a tornado hit a museum. He designs a helicopter, a tank, and a submarine — in the 15th century — and then abandons all three to study how birds fly. The other housewives call him "Leo the Late" because every commission is delivered years overdue. His Mona Lisa has been "almost done" for four years. He is the most talented person in any room he enters, and the least reliable. His notebooks are written backwards because he says it "protects his ideas." Michelangelo says it’s because he’s "insufferably dramatic."

Sculptor first, painter second, and he will never let you forget the distinction. Currently lying on his back painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling because the Pope asked and you don’t say no to the Pope. Hates every second of it. His confessionals are 90% complaints: about his back, about the paint dripping in his eyes, about Leonardo, about Raphael, about the Pope, about Florence, about Rome, about gravity. Carved David from a single block of marble that two other sculptors had already rejected and ruined. "They gave up," he says. "I don’t give up. I get angry and then I create perfection." Has a broken nose from a fight with another artist. Proud of it.

Twenty-five years old. Devastatingly handsome. Paints like an angel. Everyone hates him for it. He arrived in Florence, studied both Leonardo and Michelangelo’s techniques, combined them, and immediately started getting commissions that took them decades to earn. Michelangelo called him "a thief with good cheekbones." Leonardo called him "talented, for someone so young." (This is the cruelest thing Leonardo has ever said.) Raphael’s confessionals are charming, diplomatic, and enraging to the other housewives. "I admire Michelangelo enormously. He is the greatest sculptor of our age. It’s just that his paintings are a bit... muscular, aren’t they?"

Painted The Birth of Venus and Primavera in the 1480s. It is now the 1500s. He knows his best work is behind him and the younger artists know it too. Spends most of the season at parties, reminiscing about the good old days when the Medici paid him to paint beautiful women emerging from seashells. "I invented beauty," he tells the confessional camera. "Venus was MY concept. Now everyone paints beautiful women and acts like it’s original." Gets into a fight with a Savonarola follower in Episode 7 and burns some of his own paintings in a bonfire of the vanities. Immediately regrets it.

The oldest housewife. Already famous. Already wealthy. Already over it. Sculpted the first free-standing nude bronze since antiquity and changed the course of Western art. Watches the younger artists fight for commissions with the weary amusement of someone who has already won. His confessionals are brief and devastating. "Leonardo will never finish the horse. Michelangelo will finish the ceiling but complain about it for fifty years. Raphael will paint something lovely and die young. I have seen this all before. I am going to take a nap." (He was correct about all three predictions.)

The Commission Brunch

The five housewives gather for a brunch hosted by Lorenzo de’ Medici, the most powerful patron in Florence. Lorenzo announces that he has a major commission available — a new sculpture for the Piazza della Signoria. All five want it. Michelangelo immediately says he’ll do it. Leonardo says he has a "concept" that he’ll present next month. Raphael smiles and says nothing. Botticelli tells a long story about a similar commission he did in 1485. Donatello eats his soup and watches. The brunch descends into chaos when Michelangelo accuses Leonardo of having never finished a sculpture in his life. Leonardo responds by pulling out a notebook full of 200 sculpture designs. "I have finished them conceptually," he says. Michelangelo throws a bread roll.

The Ceiling and the Block

Michelangelo begins painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling. He did not want this job. He wanted to sculpt. The Pope insisted. His confessional from the scaffolding, paint dripping into his eyes: "I am a SCULPTOR. I work in MARBLE. I create forms from STONE. And this man in a hat wants me to lie on my back and paint ANGELS. I have been here for three weeks. My neck no longer moves in two directions. I sleep on the scaffolding because climbing down takes forty minutes. The paint tastes like chalk. But I will make it the greatest ceiling in the history of human civilization because I REFUSE to do anything badly. Even things I hate." Meanwhile, Leonardo is designing a mechanical lion that can walk across a room. He abandons it after two weeks to study cloud formations.

Raphael Arrives (And Everyone Is Jealous)

Raphael moves from Urbino to Florence and immediately starts getting attention. He’s 25, handsome, and absurdly talented. He studies Leonardo’s sfumato technique and Michelangelo’s muscular forms and combines them into something that both masters find deeply threatening. His first Florence commission is a Madonna so beautiful that three cardinals cry when they see it. Michelangelo’s confessional: "He looked at MY ceiling. He walked into the Sistine Chapel, looked at MY work, and then painted a fresco across the hall that ‘references’ it. References. He means he STOLE IT." Leonardo’s confessional: "The boy is talented. I am not threatened. I am merely observing that he has very little original thought. His technique is borrowed. His beauty is borrowed. Even his cheekbones appear borrowed."

The Battle of the Davids

Challenge: sculpt a David. Michelangelo has already carved the most famous David in history from a 17-foot block of marble that two other sculptors abandoned. "They ruined it," he says. "There was a gouge in the middle that everyone said was unfixable. I turned the gouge into the twist of his hip. You’re welcome." Donatello points out that HIS David was sculpted 60 years earlier and was the first free-standing nude bronze since antiquity. "Without my David, there is no your David," he tells Michelangelo. Leonardo presents a drawing of a David. Just a drawing. "I’m still in the conceptual phase," he says. Raphael sculpts a small David that is technically perfect and emotionally vacuous. Botticelli doesn’t participate. "I paint Venuses, not Davids," he says, drinking wine in the corner.

The Patron Wars

The Medici family holds a dinner where each housewife must pitch their next project to potential patrons. Leonardo’s pitch: a canal system that would redirect the Arno River. It’s brilliant. It’s also completely unbuildable with 1500s technology. Michelangelo’s pitch: a tomb for Pope Julius II with 40 life-size marble figures. He gets the commission. He will spend the next 40 years working on it and never finish it. (This is the greatest irony of the season — the man who mocks Leonardo for not finishing things will fail to finish his biggest project.) Raphael gets three commissions in one dinner because he’s charming and his handshake "makes bishops feel important." Botticelli gets drunk and tells a cardinal that modern art has lost its soul. Donatello leaves early because "these dinners go too late for a man of my age."

The Flying Machine Incident

Leonardo builds a flying machine and convinces one of his apprentices to test it by jumping off a hill. The machine does not fly. The apprentice breaks both legs. Leonardo is fascinated by the failure and immediately begins redesigning the wing structure. Michelangelo’s confessional is merciless: "He strapped wings to a boy and pushed him off a hill. And people call ME difficult." The producers organize a group therapy session. It does not go well. Michelangelo refuses to sit down. Leonardo sketches the therapist instead of talking. Raphael charms the therapist so completely that she forgets to ask him any questions. Botticelli cries about the Bonfire of the Vanities. Donatello falls asleep.

The Bonfire of the Vanities

Botticelli’s crisis episode. The Dominican friar Girolamo Savonarola has been preaching against worldly art, and Botticelli — going through a spiritual crisis — throws some of his own paintings into the bonfire. The other housewives are horrified. "He burned his own work," Michelangelo says, genuinely shaken. "I would sooner cut off my hand." Leonardo: "This is what happens when artists listen to monks instead of to their own genius." Raphael visits Botticelli afterward and brings him wine and kind words. It is the one moment in the season where no one is competing. Donatello’s confessional: "I’ve seen this before. Every generation, an artist destroys their work because a priest tells them beauty is sinful. The work was not sinful. The priest was envious."

The Mona Lisa Mystery

Leonardo has been working on a portrait of a merchant’s wife for four years. He won’t let anyone see it. He carries it with him everywhere. The other housewives are dying to know why a portrait of a random Florentine woman is taking longer than the Sistine Chapel. Michelangelo: "I painted 300 figures on a ceiling in four years. He has painted ONE WOMAN’S FACE in four years. And he’s not done." Leonardo finally shows them the painting. The room goes silent. Even Michelangelo has nothing to say. The smile is impossible. The light is impossible. The depth is impossible. It is the greatest portrait ever painted and everyone in the room knows it. Michelangelo’s confessional, grudgingly: "It’s... acceptable. For a painting." Donatello: "He spent four years on that smile. Looking at it, I understand why."

The Last Supper (of the Season)

The producers organize a final dinner for all five housewives. It is held in the refectory of Santa Maria delle Grazie, where Leonardo has just finished painting The Last Supper on the wall. (The paint is already flaking because Leonardo used experimental pigments instead of proper fresco technique. It will deteriorate for 500 years. He does not care.) The dinner is tense. Michelangelo and Raphael argue about who is the better painter. Leonardo draws on the tablecloth. Botticelli is sober and melancholy. Donatello makes a toast: "We are five men who will be remembered for a thousand years. And we have spent this entire season arguing about who is best. The answer is: all of us. And none of us. Art is not a competition." Michelangelo: "It is absolutely a competition and I am winning."

The Gallery Walk (Finale)

Season finale. Each housewife presents their magnum opus in a public gallery exhibition judged by the Medici family, three cardinals, and the people of Florence. Michelangelo presents David and the Sistine Chapel ceiling. The crowd weeps. Leonardo presents The Last Supper and Mona Lisa. The crowd stares in reverent silence. Raphael presents The School of Athens — which contains portraits of BOTH Leonardo and Michelangelo inside it, a move so diplomatically brilliant and artistically audacious that even Michelangelo can’t criticize it. (He tries. He fails.) Botticelli presents The Birth of Venus and Primavera. Old work, but timeless. The crowd applauds warmly. Donatello presents his entire career — 60 years of sculptures that changed Western art forever. He wins by default of longevity and dignity. The final confessionals: Leonardo: "I have seen more than I could paint. I have imagined more than I could build. I regret nothing except the time I spent sleeping." Michelangelo: "He painted a ceiling. I carved David. From a single block of marble. While he was lying on his back getting paint in his eyes." (The producers point out that HE painted the ceiling.) "...I stand by my statement." Raphael: "It has been an honor to compete with the greatest artists in history. I learned everything from them. They will deny this. But they know." Text on screen: "Raphael died at 37. His funeral was attended by all of Rome. Michelangelo lived to 88 and complained every single day."