A Wizard's
Surprisingly Modern Searches

how to light pipe without matches

He is a wizard. He can summon fire with a word. He is still googling this because he forgot the word. It happens.

pipe tobacco subscription box

Old Toby is his preferred blend. It is not available on Amazon. This is the greatest failure of modern commerce.

why do hobbits eat so much

Second breakfast. Elevenses. Luncheon. Afternoon tea. Dinner. Supper. He has accompanied hobbits for decades. He is still mystified.

hobbit metabolism scientific explanation

There is no scientific explanation. They are three feet tall and eat more than Gandalf weighs. Thermodynamics does not apply to hobbits.

Visited: reddit.com/r/tolkienfans/hobbit-caloric-intake

eagle airlines booking one way

Every time he needs transport, he waits for eagles. The eagles are unreliable. He is investigating commercial alternatives.

Did you mean: "eagle express air charter service"

why didn't the eagles just fly to Mordor

He googles this every month. He reads the Reddit arguments. He has never posted his own answer. He never will.

fireworks wholesale bulk order

The Shire birthday parties require fireworks. He makes them by hand. He is still checking wholesale prices. A wizard must maintain margins.

how to make fireworks shaped like dragon

He already knows how. He is checking if anyone else has figured it out. No one has. He is satisfied.

directions to Mordor

Google Maps suggests taking the A1 and then... no. Google Maps does not know about Mordor. He is on his own.

directions to Mordor avoid mines

He updates the query. The Mines of Moria are a shortcut he deeply regrets suggesting. The Balrog situation was avoidable.

Visited: maps.google.com (route not found)

Balrog fight survival tips

He fought a Balrog. He won. He died. He came back. He is now looking up whether there was a better way. There was not.

how to come back from death reddit

He has personal experience with this. He is reading other people's near-death experiences. He finds them quaint. He was fully dead.

Visited: reddit.com/r/AskReddit/people-who-died-and-came-back

came back from death hair turned white

Gandalf the Grey became Gandalf the White. He did not choose this. He would like his grey back. Grey had character.

grey hair dye natural looking

He is considering dyeing his hair back to grey. A wizard's vanity is real and valid.

staff repair service near me

His staff keeps breaking. Every major battle, the staff breaks. Staff insurance does not exist. He has checked.

walking stick vs staff what's the difference

A staff channels cosmic power through ancient enchantments. A walking stick helps with hills. He uses both features equally.

ring of power side effects

Invisibility, corruption, obsession, eventual wraith transformation. He is compiling a warning label. The ring does not come with a warning label.

how to motivate someone who doesn't want to go on a quest

Frodo did not want to go. Bilbo did not want to go. Nobody wants to go. Gandalf is essentially a fantasy travel agent for reluctant tourists.

Visited: medium.com/leadership/motivating-reluctant-team-members

Saruman what happened to him

His best friend turned evil. This is the wizard equivalent of finding out your college roommate joined a cult. Except the cult has an army.

Did you mean: "Saruman the White betrayal explained"

how to tell friend they've changed

This search is about Saruman. It could also be about anyone who has gone through a glow-down. Saruman's glow-down involved orcs.

wizard hat cleaning instructions

The hat is iconic. The hat is filthy. He has worn it for three thousand years. It has never been washed. This search is long overdue.

is 2000 years old considered old for a wizard

He is over 2,000 years old. He is having an age crisis. For a Maia, he is middle-aged. For anyone else, he is ancient.

famous quotes about wisdom and patience

He is looking for quotes to use in speeches. He has given many speeches. Most of them involve dramatically timed pauses and bridge metaphors.

A wizard is never late merchandise

He has found that people put his quotes on mugs, t-shirts, and throw pillows. He receives no royalties. This bothers him.

Visited: etsy.com/search?q=gandalf+wizard+never+late

Shire real estate peaceful areas

After every adventure, he dreams of retiring to the Shire. He never does. There is always another ring, another dark lord, another hobbit who needs help.

how long until next dark lord probably

He is tired. He has defeated Sauron, the Balrog, and Saruman. He would like a decade off. He checks the forecast.

tea varieties calming nighttime

Even wizards drink tea before bed. He prefers chamomile. He will never admit this to anyone. Chamomile is not dramatic enough for a wizard.

"you shall not pass" meme

He is aware he is a meme. He has complicated feelings about this. The moment was life-or-death. The internet made it a punchline. He laughed at two of them.

Visited: knowyourmeme.com/memes/you-shall-not-pass

how to say goodnight in Elvish

He speaks Elvish fluently. He is googling it anyway. At 9:30 PM, even wizards get tired enough to forget thousand-year-old languages.