Ron Swanson
Government Efficiency

Director, Parks and Recreation Department

City of Pawnee, Indiana

1979 – 2017 (~38 years)

• • Led the Parks and Recreation Department for 38 years with the explicit goal of making it do as little as possible
• • Reduced departmental budget by 40% through strategic elimination of programs, staff, and the concept of effort
• • Maintained a personal policy of doing zero work before 10 AM and no work after 2 PM — achieved record efficiency ratings
• • Kept a second identity (Duke Silver, jazz saxophonist) completely separate from professional life for 25+ years
• • Prevented a raccoon problem in Lot 48 by personally removing 68 raccoons with his bare hands
• • Built every piece of furniture in his office himself, including the desk, which is made from a single walnut tree
• • Refused to attend 94% of interdepartmental meetings. Department performance was unaffected.

Master Woodworker

Swanson Workshop • Pawnee, Indiana

1970 – Present

• • Hand-crafted over 500 pieces of furniture, each one a monument to self-reliance and the American hardwood
• • Built a canoe in 4 hours using only hand tools and anger
• • Constructed a gazebo for Pawnee's Ramsett Park that has been described as "structurally overqualified"
• • Philosophy: "Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."

Duke Silver — Jazz Saxophonist

The Bulge Lounge • Eagleton, Indiana

1992 – Present (secret)

• • Performs smooth jazz under an alias at an undisclosed lounge in Eagleton
• • Has released 4 albums, all under a pseudonym, all available nowhere he shops
• • Audience: exclusively women over 50 who describe his music as "sensual"
• • This information should not be on this resume. He would be furious if he knew it was here.

"Ron Swanson is the best government employee I have ever worked with, which is ironic because he hates government more than anyone I have ever met. He showed up every day, sat at his desk, ate his breakfast meats, and somehow — SOMEHOW — made our department work. He built us a shoe-shine stand. He carved Ann Perkins a jewelry box for her birthday. He once fixed a burst pipe with a piece of wood and a stern look. Ron would tell you he doesn't care about public service. He is lying. He is the most dedicated public servant I know. He just expresses it by trying to destroy the system from within, which, honestly? It worked. I love Ron Swanson and he can't stop me from writing this no matter how many times he deletes his LinkedIn account."

"I do not endorse myself. I do not need endorsement. My mustache speaks for itself."

Q: Mr. Swanson, thank you for applying. Why do you want this job?

Ron: I don't. I want to make sure nobody does this job. That's the point. The most efficient government is no government. The second most efficient government is one where the people in charge are actively trying to do as little as possible. That's me.

Q: Can you tell us about your experience in government?

Ron: I spent 30 years as the Director of the Parks and Recreation Department in Pawnee, Indiana. In that time, I reduced our budget, eliminated unnecessary programs, and spent most of my days eating steak, building furniture, and making sure my department did as little as humanly possible. We were consistently rated the most efficient department in Pawnee. The second most efficient was an empty office on the third floor.

Q: What's your approach to government efficiency?

Ron: Step one: identify all government programs. Step two: eliminate them. Step three: go fishing. There is no step four. If there were a step four, we would eliminate it.

Q: How do you handle stakeholder pushback?

Ron: I don't handle stakeholder pushback. I sit in my chair. I eat my steak. I wait for them to leave. Eventually, they always leave. This is a technique I call 'being a rock.' Rocks don't attend meetings. Rocks don't respond to emails. Rocks endure. Be the rock.

Q: What's the biggest government inefficiency you've identified?

Ron: Government. The entirety of it. But if I have to be specific: meetings. I once calculated that the Pawnee government spent 4,300 hours per year in meetings. I eliminated all Parks Department meetings and replaced them with a single memo that read: 'Do less.' Productivity increased by 200%.

Q: How do you feel about teamwork?

Ron: I believe in the individual. A team is just a group of individuals who have agreed to be less productive together. The best team is one person. The second best team is no people. I have managed both.

Q: What are your salary expectations?

Ron: I will accept any salary you offer, because I plan to use this position to reduce government spending by a factor of ten. My salary will pay for itself by the third day, at which point everything I earn is profit for the taxpayer. This is the only government math that makes sense.

Q: Do you have any references?

Ron: I don't believe in references. A man's work speaks for itself. If it doesn't, he hasn't done enough work. However, Leslie Knope will almost certainly contact you unsolicited. She does this. You cannot stop her. I have tried.

Q: Is there anything else you'd like to add?

Ron: [Stands up. Puts on hat. Walks to the door.] I have said everything that needs to be said. Most people say too much. I'd rather build a chair. [Leaves. Interview lasted 7 minutes.]