Indiana Jones
Museum Acquisitions Director

Bedford, Connecticut / Various Temples, Tombs, and Active Warzones

• Acquired 47 artifacts of significant historical and supernatural importance across 6 continents
• Developed proprietary acquisition methodology that bypasses traditional auction houses in favor of ancient temples, booby-trapped caves, and Nazi-occupied dig sites
• Maintained a 100% artifact recovery rate (note: 'recovery' and 'retention' are different metrics — see below)
• Expanded museum collection by 340% through field acquisitions that no other director was willing to personally conduct
• Pioneered the 'it belongs in a museum' school of acquisitions philosophy, now widely quoted but rarely practiced with the same level of physical violence
• Annual acquisition budget: $0. All artifacts obtained through grit, whip, and an unwillingness to die

Bedford, Connecticut (When Present)

• Taught Introduction to Archaeology (ARCH 101) to classes of 200+ students, 90% of whom enrolled because of rumors about the professor, not the subject
• Attendance: sporadic. Course syllabus includes a note reading 'If I am not here on Monday, start Chapter 7 without me. If I am not here by Wednesday, contact the U.S. State Department.'
• Achieved highest student satisfaction scores in department history despite missing 40% of scheduled lectures
• Published 14 peer-reviewed papers, 3 of which were written while being held captive in undisclosed locations
• Office hours: 'By appointment. Appointments subject to cancellation due to international emergencies.'
• Mentored 0 graduate students successfully. All either switched to library science or were traumatized by field work experiences.

Global (Mostly Uninhabitable Locations)

• Recovered the Ark of the Covenant (1936) — currently in government storage in a warehouse. Do not ask which warehouse. They will not tell you. They will not tell me either.
• Retrieved the Sankara Stones (1935) — returned to village of origin after an incident involving a mine cart, a collapsing bridge, and a significant number of crocodiles
• Found the Holy Grail (1938) — held it briefly, watched it fall into a chasm. The grail, not me. I also almost fell into the chasm.
• Recovered the Crystal Skull of Akator (1957) — would prefer not to discuss this one. There were aliens. Everyone was confused.
• Success rate on artifact recovery missions: 100%. Success rate on artifact retention: let's not get into percentages.

Ph.D. in Archaeology

University of Chicago • 1925

Dissertation: "Cross-Cultural Funerary Practices in Pre-Columbian Mesoamerica." Advisor described it as "brilliant, if suspiciously well-informed about the interior of tombs that have not been officially opened."

B.A. in Linguistics, Minor in Medieval History

University of Chicago • 1920

Graduated with honors. Already spoke 12 languages at time of enrollment, which the admissions office found "unusual for a 17-year-old who had spent the previous year traveling with his father."

Successfully recovered from Nazi-controlled dig site in Tanis, Egypt. Opened once (faces melted). Handed to U.S. government. Currently stored in a wooden crate in a warehouse. Which warehouse? 'Top men' are working on it. I have not received an update in 90 years.

Retrieved from Thuggee temple beneath Pankot Palace, India. Recovery involved a mine cart chase, a collapsing rope bridge, and approximately 10,000 insects I would prefer not to remember. Stones returned to village of Mayapore. Net museum acquisition: zero. Net karma: considerable.

Located in the Canyon of the Crescent Moon after a three-part trial involving spelling God's name in Latin, a leap of faith, and choosing the right cup (hint: not the gold one). Father was healed. Grail fell into earthquake chasm during extraction. Technically, I chose the right cup AND lost the artifact. Both facts are on my record.

I genuinely do not want to discuss this. There were interdimensional beings. The skull went back to them. The whole thing was very confusing and I am told it did not meet the museum's acquisition standards because the artifact's provenance was 'extraterrestrial.' Fair.

Q: Dr. Jones, thank you for coming in. Can you start by telling us about your acquisition process?

Jones: Certainly. I identify an artifact of historical significance through research, ancient texts, or a dying man's last words. Then I travel to the location, which is usually in a jungle, desert, or underground temple. I avoid booby traps. I outrun a boulder, if applicable. I fight some Nazis — this step is not always necessary but has occurred with remarkable frequency. Then I bring the artifact back. Standard procedure.

Q: That sounds... unconventional. Do you follow any established procurement protocols?

Jones: I follow the Jones Protocol, which I developed personally. Step one: locate artifact. Step two: acquire artifact. Step three: survive. Step four: deliver artifact to museum. Step five: teach a class on Tuesday if physically able. The protocol has been refined over 30 years and has a 100% survival rate, which I consider the most important metric.

Q: Do you have professional references?

Jones: Most of my references are either dead, trying to kill me, or both. Marcus Brody will speak to my character but may get lost on the way to the phone. Marion Ravenwood will confirm my abilities but will also tell you about the time I left her in Nepal. Sallah will give you an enthusiastic reference but will mostly talk about the digging. Short Round is available but he's 15.

Q: Let's talk about the Ark of the Covenant. You acquired it in 1936?

Jones: I did. It was a significant acquisition. Unfortunately, the U.S. government confiscated it and placed it in a warehouse. I was told it would be studied by 'top men.' I asked who. They said 'top men.' That was 1936. I have heard nothing since. I have filed 247 Freedom of Information requests. All denied.

Q: And the Holy Grail?

Jones: Found it. Held it. Lost it when the temple collapsed. In my defense, the floor was crumbling and my father was being dramatic. The important thing is that I found it, which I believe should count for something in an acquisitions context. You cannot put 'the Holy Grail' on a shelf, but you can put 'found the Holy Grail' on a resume.

Q: What about the Crystal Skull situation?

Jones: I would prefer to skip that question.

Q: It's on your resume, Dr. Jones.

Jones: Then I would prefer to remove it from my resume. There were interdimensional beings. A flying saucer. Cate Blanchett with a sword. I don't fully understand what happened and I was THERE. Let's move on.

Q: What about the snake issue? It says here you have ophidiophobia.

Jones: I don't want to talk about it.

Q: It's listed under 'Known Limitations' on your file.

Jones: I didn't write that. Marcus wrote that. Yes, I have... a strong professional disagreement with snakes. They are everywhere I go. Every tomb, every temple, every pit. It is statistically improbable and yet it keeps happening. I have written to several herpetological societies requesting that they relocate their members away from archaeological sites. None have responded.

Q: It says here you lost the Ark, the Grail, AND the Crystal Skull. How do you respond to that?

Jones: I found them first. That should count for something. Columbus didn't keep America in his pocket. Magellan didn't bring the Pacific Ocean home. I FOUND the most important artifacts in human history. The fact that I was unable to retain them due to divine intervention, structural collapse, or government seizure is not a reflection of my abilities. It is a reflection of the fact that the universe has a very specific sense of humor about my career.

Q: Your teaching record shows 40% absenteeism. Can you explain?

Jones: I would argue that the 60% I was present was extremely high quality. My students receive a world-class education in the sessions I attend. They also receive a valuable lesson in self-reliance during the sessions I do not. I leave detailed substitute notes. The notes usually say 'Read Chapter 12. I am in South America. Do not contact the dean.'

Q: How do you handle workplace safety?

Jones: I wear a hat.

Q: That's your safety protocol? A hat?

Jones: It is a very good hat. It has survived cave-ins, explosions, a submarine voyage, and a nuclear detonation. OSHA has never approved it as protective equipment, but the empirical evidence speaks for itself. I have also been shot, stabbed, dragged behind a truck, dropped from a moving train, bitten by insects of unusual size, and thrown out of a blimp. The hat came through every time. I stand by the hat.

Q: One last question. Why should we hire you as our Museum Acquisitions Director?

Jones: Because I will get you artifacts that no auction house, no dealer, and no polite correspondence will ever produce. I will go where no one else will go. I will face what no one else will face. I will bring back things that the world has forgotten exist. Yes, I may lose some of them. Yes, I may occasionally destroy a temple. Yes, there will be insurance claims. But when I walk through that door with a 3,000-year-old artifact that everyone thought was a myth, you will not care about the insurance claims. You will care that it belongs in a museum. And now it's in yours.

"Indiana Jones is, without question, the finest archaeologist I have ever known. He is brave, brilliant, resourceful, and entirely impossible to manage. I have served as his mentor, his supervisor, and on at least three occasions, his emergency contact at foreign embassies. He always returns with something extraordinary. He also always returns with injuries, an angry woman, and a story I am not legally permitted to repeat. I recommend him without reservation, though I should note that my own sense of direction is poor and I once got lost in my own museum, so perhaps my judgment should be weighed accordingly."

"Do I recommend Indy? Yes. Do I like him? That depends on the day. He is the most capable, infuriating, reckless, brilliant, impossible man I have ever met. He left me in Nepal. He came back. He left me in a snake pit — A SNAKE PIT, HENRY — and then he came back for that too. He will find your artifacts. He will also break your heart, your furniture, and several local ordinances. But he will find your artifacts. Hire him. Just don't date him. Actually, you know what? You'll probably date him. Everyone dates him. Good luck."

"Dr. Jones is the best! He saved me from very bad people and taught me everything about archaeology. He also taught me to drive a car when I was 11, which was illegal, but very cool. He is very brave and very strong and only screams when he sees snakes. I would work with him again anytime. He still owes me $47 from our trip to India. I am not worried about it because he is good for it. Probably. Please hire him so he can pay me back."

"I am writing this letter under duress. Not because anyone is forcing me, but because the alternative is another year of Dr. Jones submitting acquisition reports that read like adventure novels. His last report was 47 pages and included the phrases 'narrowly escaped death,' 'the ceiling was collapsing,' and 'the Nazis were right behind me.' Our insurance premiums have increased 600% since he joined the faculty. He has personally destroyed two vehicles belonging to the college, one belonging to the U.S. Army, and a motorcycle that belonged to a student. He once returned an artifact wrapped in his own shirt because he had used the protective casing to hit someone. AND YET. The man finds things. Impossible things. Things that rewrite history. Things that other archaeologists spend entire careers searching for and never find. He finds them on a Tuesday afternoon and is back to teach his 9 AM lecture on Wednesday. I hate him. I recommend him. These feelings are not contradictory."