CELEBRITY
VOICEMAIL
GREETINGS

“You've reached the phone of Morgan Freeman. I'm not available right now, but let me assure you... *pause* ...everything is going to be alright. Your call is part of a larger journey. A journey that began billions of years ago when the first atoms formed in the hearts of dying stars, and those atoms eventually became you, standing here, calling me, on this beautiful Tuesday afternoon. The phone you're holding — do you know how many civilizations rose and fell so that you could hold a rectangle of glass and complain about your WiFi? Leave a message after what some call 'the beep.' But really... *pause* ...it's so much more than a beep. It's a moment. A singular, fleeting moment in the vast symphony of—" *BEEP*”

“Leave a message. I'll be back.”

“This number has been disconnected. All communication now goes through X. DM me. Or don't. Actually, I'll DM you. I have your data. If this is about Tesla, the stock price is the stock price. If this is about SpaceX, we're going to Mars and you can't stop us. If this is the SEC, I am not tweeting right now. If this is about my 14th child, I'll need you to be more specific. This voicemail will self-destruct and then be reposted on X with a laughing emoji.”

“Hello, this is Warren. I'm away from the phone, probably because I'm at McDonald's or reading a 10-K. If this is about an investment, I'll need the annual report, the last 5 years of earnings, and a Coca-Cola. If this is about anything else, I don't own a computer so I don't know what else there would be. Leave a message. Keep it under 30 seconds — time is money, and money is compound interest. Also, I'm 95 and I still drive myself to work every day so if you hear honking, that's me merging onto the highway at 40 miles per hour.”

“Hey. Oh wow, you called me? That's... that's really nice. Thank you. I'm so sorry I can't answer right now. I feel terrible. You took time out of your day to call ME and I'm not even here and I just — I'm sorry. You're a wonderful person. Your phone call is wonderful. I'm going to listen to your message so carefully when I get back. Every word. I might listen to it twice because you deserve that. If this is urgent, please don't stress about it. Everything is going to be okay. You're doing great. Seriously. I mean that. I'm just some guy, but I believe in you. Please leave a message and have the most excellent day. You're breathtaking. No — don't argue with me. YOU'RE breathtaking.”

“*heavy breathing* Hey — *wind noise* — it's Tom — *explosion in background* — can't talk right now — *helicopter blades* — I'm doing a thing — *glass shattering* — leave a message — *motorcycle engine* — I do all my own voicemails — *LOUD CRASH* — no stunt doubles on this greeting — *building collapsing* — I'm 63 and I've never felt more alive — *BEEP*”

“[Version 47 of today]: HELLO. This is NICOLAS CAGE and I am NOT available because I am BECOMING the phone. Do you understand? I am METHOD ACTING as a TELEPHONE. I have been a vampire, a convict, a sorcerer, a man who stole the Declaration of Independence, and now — NOW — I am a VOICEMAIL GREETING. Leave a message and I will respond with the FULL EMOTIONAL RANGE of a man who has made 114 movies, 30 of which went straight to streaming, and ALL OF WHICH I gave ONE HUNDRED AND TEN PERCENT. *whispering* The bees. The bees are in the phone. *screaming* NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES IN THE PHONE! *calm again* Leave a message after the beep. Or don't. FREE WILL IS A CAGE. A NICOLAS CAGE. AAAAAAHHHHHH.”

“IT'S ABOUT DRIVE. IT'S ABOUT POWER. You've reached the phone of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and I am CURRENTLY doing 600-pound squats at 3:47 AM. Your call is important to me but NOT as important as this FIFTH set of deadlifts. While you wait for my callback, I need you to DROP and give me TWENTY. Right now. I'm serious. Put the phone on speaker and do TWENTY PUSH-UPS. You think I'm joking? I woke up at 3 AM, ate 14 egg whites, and I'm recording this voicemail between sets. Leave a message and STAY HARD. If you SMELL what The Rock is cookin'... it's chicken breast. It's always chicken breast.”

“Ah, well, hello, you've, uh, reached the... *long pause* ...phone of, uh, Jeff Goldblum. Now that's, uh, that's an interesting thing, isn't it? A phone. A device that, uh, converts your voice into, well, electrical signals that travel at nearly the speed of light across, uh, fiber optic cables to reach, well... me. *pause* Except I'm not here. *longer pause* Which raises a, uh, fascinating philosophical question: if a phone rings and Jeff Goldblum doesn't, uh, answer it, does it make a sound? *pause* It does, actually. That's, uh, how phones work. *very long pause* Leave a message. Life, uh... *pause* ...finds a way. And so will your voicemail. *pause* ...Probably.”

“YOUR CALL IS RAW! RAAAAAWWW! I can't believe you've called me with THAT phone etiquette. Did you even REHEARSE what you were going to say? Because the last 47 people who left me a voicemail couldn't string a SENTENCE together! Your voicemail better have a BEGINNING, a MIDDLE, and an END. It better be SEASONED with RELEVANT INFORMATION. And if you say 'um' or 'uh' even ONCE, I will DELETE it and you can START OVER. Now leave a message and make it BEAUTIFUL. You have 30 seconds. And for GOD'S SAKE, don't mumble. I'd rather listen to a SMOKE ALARM. DONKEY!”

“YOU get a callback! And YOU get a callback! EVERYBODY GETS A CALLBACK! Look under your phone — IT'S A CALLBACK! I am currently away from my phone selecting items for my Favorite Voicemails of 2026 list, and yours could be featured alongside a $300 scented candle and an artisanal goat cheese. Your voicemail will be reviewed by my team, my spiritual advisor, and my book club. If your message makes me cry, it goes to the front of the line. If it makes me UGLY cry, I'm producing a four-part documentary about it. Leave a message and LIVE YOUR BEST VOICEMAIL.”

“Man... *long exhale* ...you ever just, like, call someone and really THINK about what that means? You picked up a phone. You dialed a number. You reached out across the void of human experience and said, 'I want to connect.' That's beautiful, man. That's real. Now, I'm not here right now. I'm somewhere out in the desert, drivin' a Lincoln, watchin' the sunset paint the sky in colors that don't have names yet. And I'm thinkin' about you. I'm thinkin' about all of us. We're all just callers on this cosmic switchboard, man. Tryin' to get through. Tryin' to connect. Alright? Alright. Alright, alright, alright. ...I'm not gonna tell you to leave a message because the universe already knows what you were gonna say.”

“This is Samuel L. Jackson. I am NOT available. Let me say that again for the people in the back: I am NOT. AVAILABLE. Do NOT leave me a rambling voicemail. Do NOT say 'hey, it's me, call me back' because I don't know who 'me' is and I have been in 200 MOVIES so a LOT of people think they know me. State your name. State your business. Keep it under 20 seconds. If I hear the words 'quick question' I am hanging up and blocking your number FOREVER. Say 'quick question' ONE MORE TIME. I DARE YOU. I DOUBLE DARE YOU. *BEEP*”

“Hello. You've... reached... the phone. Of Christopher... Walken. I'm not... here right now. Because I'm... somewhere else. Which is how... phones work. You call... a place... and the person... is in... a different place. It's really... quite remarkable... when you think... about it. I need you... to leave... a message. After... the beep. And I need you... to know... that I WILL... listen to it. I will listen... to EVERY... single... word. And then... I will call... you... back. Maybe... Wednesday. Maybe... never. The suspense... is... the point. *five second pause* ...Beep. Wait, that wasn't... the real beep. *actual BEEP*”

“Yooo, this ya boy Snoop D-O-double-G, and I can't come to the phone right now cuz I'm... *exhale* ...busy. Real busy. Doin' important things. Business things. I might be in the studio, I might be coachin' football, I might be doin' a cooking show with my girl Martha, or I might just be vibin'. Point is, leave a message after the bizzle and I'll get back to you when I get back to you, nah mean? If this is about a commercial, I'll do it. I've endorsed everything at this point. I did a Just Eat ad in a tutu. There are no rules. If this is a wrong number, no it's not. You were meant to call Snoop. Everything happens for a rizzle, fo shizzle. *lighter flick* Peace.”

“Thank you for calling. Your call is important to us. You are caller number 7,847,291 in the queue. Estimated callback time: 2 to 5 business days. To expedite your request, please rate this voicemail on a scale of 1 to 5 stars. Your voice pattern has been analyzed and added to your customer profile. Based on your recent calls, you may also be interested in calling: Tim Cook, Sundar Pichai, and a therapist. To unsubscribe from future callbacks, press 7. Just kidding. You cannot unsubscribe. Thank you for calling. This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes. It is being monitored.”

“Hello. You have reached Mark Zuckerberg. I am currently unavailable because I am in the Metaverse, where I am having a much better conversation with a much more expressive avatar of you. I already know why you're calling. Your microphone has been active for the last 45 minutes and your conversation at dinner about switching to Android has been noted. I will not be calling you back. Instead, you will see a targeted advertisement for the exact thing you were going to ask me about within 4 to 6 minutes. This is more efficient for both of us. Your call data has been stored. *robotic voice* Thank you, human friend.”

“Hey! Oh my God, hi! Thank you so much for calling! I love you! I am SO sorry I can't answer right now but I'm on stage in front of 72,000 of my closest personal friends performing a 3-hour show that I will somehow follow up with a 2-hour surprise acoustic set because I am INCAPABLE of doing anything small. Leave a message and I WILL call you back because I love my fans and I remember EVERYTHING. Fair warning: I might write a song about this voicemail. It'll be Track 5. It's going to be devastating. If you're Jake, I have nothing to say. If you're Travis, hi baby! If you're Ticketmaster, my lawyers will be calling YOU.”

“Hi, this is Bill. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm reading. I'm always reading. I read 50 books a year and I need you to know that. While you wait for me to call you back, I'd like to recommend a book. Actually, five books. I've attached a list — wait, you can't attach things to a voicemail. Okay, I'll read the list aloud. Number one: 'How to Avoid a Climate Disaster' by Bill Gates — that's me. Number two: actually, just read my book. It covers everything. If your question is about technology, the answer is in Chapter 4. If it's about global health, Chapter 9. If it's about why I still use PowerPoint for everything including restaurant orders, that's a personal choice and I stand by it. Leave a message and I'll call you back between books.”

“Hey, this is Leo. I can't take your call right now because I'm in the Amazon rainforest raising awareness about deforestation. I flew here on a private jet, which I acknowledge is complicated, but someone very handsome needs to stand in front of a melting glacier and look concerned, and that someone is me. If you're calling about an acting role, I'm interested if and only if I suffer dramatically in at least 3 scenes. If you're calling about my personal life, please note I will not be returning calls from anyone over 25. Leave a message. Save the planet. And remember: the real voicemail was the friends we made along the way.”

“Here, in the vast digital savanna of the modern telephone network, we observe a remarkable event: a missed call. The caller, a member of the species Homo sapiens, has attempted to make contact. But the recipient — a 99-year-old naturalist crouched silently behind a shrub in Borneo — cannot answer, for he is watching a pangolin do something absolutely extraordinary with a termite mound. The voicemail, like the elephant seal's cry across the Antarctic ice, will travel vast distances only to be received much later, if at all. Leave a message. Speak slowly. Enunciate. The blue whale communicates across entire oceans. You can surely manage thirty seconds of coherent speech. The planet is dying, but your message... will survive.”

“No. *click*”

“Well hey there, friend. I'm not able to answer the phone right now, and that's okay. There are no mistakes in phone calls, only happy little voicemails. I'm out here painting some happy little trees, and I'd love for you to leave a message. Take your time. There's no rush. Just let the words flow, like a happy little stream through a meadow. Tell me about your day. Tell me about your problems. Tell me about that cloud you saw that looked like a dog. Whatever you say, it's going to be beautiful. Because YOU are beautiful. And your voicemail is going to sit right here in my phone like a happy little friend, waiting for me to come back and give it some love. Let's get a little crazy here — leave TWO messages. Everyone needs a friend. Even voicemails.”

“Hello, you've reached Martha Stewart. I'm unable to take your call because I'm preparing a 14-course meal using only ingredients I grew, harvested, and fermented myself. While you wait for my callback, here's a quick recipe for a voicemail: First, preheat your message with a warm greeting — hand-churned, not store-bought. Then fold in the reason for your call with a light, airy touch. Season with your phone number, spoken twice, at a moderate pace. Let it rest for 30 seconds. Garnish with a pleasant sign-off and serve immediately. If your voicemail does not have structure, I will delete it and send you a link to my Voicemail Masterclass on my app. It's a good thing.”

“You have reached the desk phone of Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Well, it's not a desk phone, it's a cell phone, but I'm the regional manager so all my phones are desk phones. That's what she said. Wait, that doesn't work there. Anyway, I can't come to the phone right now because I'm in a very important meeting. With myself. About whether to have Chinese or Italian for lunch. It's a real Sophie's Choice. If this is Dwight, stop calling me, I'm busy. If this is Jan, I CAN explain. If this is Holly, I miss you, please come back, I made a playlist. If this is Toby... why are you the way that you are? For EVERYONE else, leave a message and I WILL call you back because I am a GENEROUS and BELOVED boss. I DECLARE CALLBACK! *whispering* Hey, you don't just say it Michael, you have to— *BEEP*”

“ATTENTION: You have reached the voicemail of Dwight K. Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton and owner-operator of Schrute Farms, a 60-acre beet farm and bed-and-breakfast that has been in continuous operation since 1812. I am unable to take your call because I am either: (A) selling paper with the efficiency of a German machine, (B) performing my duties as a volunteer sheriff's deputy, or (C) investigating Jim Halpert for workplace sabotage. If this is Jim, I KNOW it's you and I KNOW what you did with my stapler. If this is anyone else, state your name, blood type, and threat level. Messages are prioritized by urgency. BEARS. BEETS. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. MICHAEL!”

“You've reached Bruce Wayne, CEO of Wayne Enterprises, billionaire, philanthropist, and definitely not Batman. I'm unavailable because I'm at a charity gala. I attend a lot of charity galas. Between 9 PM and 5 AM I am completely unreachable for reasons that are absolutely normal and not at all suspicious. Do not call during those hours. If you hear punching sounds in the background of this message, that's my... personal trainer. If you need me urgently after dark, look at the sky. Unrelated. Leave a message with Alfred. DO NOT go in the cave. I mean basement. I mean there is no cave. *faint bat screeching* That's the wind. *BEEP*”

“*aggressive chewing* Mmf— hey— *chewing intensifies* —can't talk— *wrapper crinkling* —it's cheat day— *slurping* —I'm eating twelve pancakes, four pizzas, and— *crunch* —a family-size bag of Sour Patch Kids— *more chewing* —I have 11 minutes left before I go back to chicken and rice for the next 6 days— *frantic eating sounds* —DON'T WASTE MY CHEAT DAY WITH A VOICEMAIL— *BEEP*”

“*Formation plays softly* You have reached Queen Bey. I am not available because I am working. I am always working. While you slept, I recorded an album, choreographed a tour, launched a clothing line, and still had time to post one (1) Instagram photo that broke the internet. Your voicemail will be reviewed by my team, my publicist, my mother Tina Knowles (who will also offer unsolicited fashion advice), and then maybe by me if I have a free moment in 2028. Leave a message. Make it count. I am Beyonce and I do not have time for 'quick questions.' There are no 'quick questions' when you are this busy being flawless. To the left, to the left. *BEEP*”

“Oh hey! You've reached Ryan Reynolds. Or as my bank account knows me, the Mint Mobile and Aviation Gin and Maximum Effort and Wrexham AFC guy who somehow also does movies. I'm not available right now because I'm either: filming a movie where I make sarcastic comments while things explode, recording a Mint Mobile ad in my bathroom, or watching football in Wales and pretending I've always understood the offside rule. Leave a message. I'll call you back between brand deals. If this is Hugh Jackman, I know where you live. If this is Blake, I already picked up the kids. If this is about Deadpool 4, yes. The answer is always yes.”

“Good morning. This is Tim Cook. I can't take your call because I'm preparing for an Apple keynote where I will describe a feature that Android has had for 6 years as 'magical' and 'revolutionary,' and 47 million people will clap. If this is about the new iPhone, it's the same as the last one but the camera is slightly better. If this is about the headset, we don't call it VR, we call it 'Spatial Computing,' and yes there is a difference, and no I will not explain it. This voicemail was recorded on iPhone. Sent from my iPhone. Everything is from iPhone. Leave a message. *whispered* ...It's the best voicemail we've ever made.”

“*whispering* Hey... it's Gordon. Kitchen's closed. Everyone's gone home. I just wanted to say... *normal voice* YOUR VOICEMAIL YESTERDAY WAS STILL TERRIBLE AND I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT ALL NIGHT. THE PACING WAS OFF. THE CONTENT WAS BLAND. YOU SAID 'UM' FOURTEEN TIMES. I COUNTED. I LOST SLEEP OVER YOUR VOICEMAIL. DO BETTER. *whispering again* ...But I appreciate you calling. *BEEP*”