A Public Service Announcement
CELEBRITIES AT THE DMV
Nobody Is Special Here
Detailed accounts of 28 celebrities visiting the Department of Motor Vehicles. Tom Cruise waited 3 hours. Keanu brought sandwiches. The Rock broke the eye exam machine. Nobody is special at the DMV. Not even them.
“The DMV is the last truly democratic institution in America. It does not care who you are. It does not care what you've done. Your number is B-247 and you will wait.”
The Great Equalizer
There are very few places left on Earth where fame, fortune, and cultural influence mean absolutely nothing. The Department of Motor Vehicles is one of them. You can be worth $200 billion or $200. You can have an Oscar, a Grammy, and a Michelin star. Your number is C-044 and the estimated wait is three hours.
We sent our investigative team to DMV offices across California, New York, and Tennessee to document what happens when the most famous people in the world are forced to sit in plastic chairs, fill out government forms with chained pens, and take photos under lighting that has made every human being look worse since 1987.
What we found was predictable, heartwarming, and occasionally unhinged. Keanu Reeves was kind. Nicolas Cage was Nicolas Cage. Bill Murray stayed for six hours voluntarily. Dolly Parton made a DMV employee cry. Warren Buffett paid with exact change. And Tom Cruise ran to the front of the line and was told to sit down.
Every entry includes a full incident report, the celebrity's DMV photo result, the vehicle they registered, their ticket number, and a direct quote from the DMV staff member who processed them. Nobody was harmed in this investigation. Except Tom Cruise's ego. And that one plastic chair Shaq sat on.
Vehicle Registered
2024 Porsche 911 GT3 RS (one of seven)
DMV Photo Result
The only bad photo of Tom Cruise in existence. His left eye is half-closed, his smile looks like he was told a joke he didn't understand, and the fluorescent lighting aged him 15 years. He asked to retake it. They said no. He asked again. They said no again. He has been carrying this DMV photo like an open wound ever since.
Incident Report
Ran to the front of the line at full sprint. Was told to sit down. Sat down immediately but vibrated with visible intensity for the next three hours. Attempted to do his own eye exam by reading the chart from across the room before being called. When told to stand on the line, he stood ON the line. Literally on it. Both feet balanced on the painted stripe. Staff had to explain 'behind the line' twice.
DMV Staff Quote
“Sir, you cannot do your own eye exam. Please stop reading the chart out loud. Also, you cannot hang from the ceiling tile. I don't care that you do your own stunts.”
Would They Return?
No. Said he would 'find another way.' We assume he means a stunt double.
Vehicle Registered
Custom Ford F-150 (reinforced suspension)
DMV Photo Result
Looks like a professional headshot. Perfect lighting somehow. The camera added zero pounds because it wouldn't dare. Three DMV employees asked for copies. The photo has been framed behind the counter as 'employee of the month' even though he doesn't work there.
Incident Report
Broke the eye exam machine by reading each line with such enthusiasm that the decibel level triggered the fire alarm. High-fived every person in the waiting room. Signed autographs for 45 minutes while waiting. When his number was finally called, the entire waiting room applauded. He flexed. The chair he sat in has not recovered. It now leans permanently to the left.
DMV Staff Quote
“He read the eye chart like he was giving a keynote speech. Line 4 was 'P E Z R O' and he said it like it was a battle cry. The machine just... stopped working after that.”
Would They Return?
Yes. Said it was 'the most electrifying two hours and forty-five minutes in DMV history.' He meant it.
Vehicle Registered
1969 Ford Mustang Boss 429
DMV Photo Result
Looks exactly like every other DMV photo: slightly confused, mildly sad, existentially aware that this moment is being preserved forever. Somehow this made it the most relatable DMV photo ever taken. It went viral on Reddit with the caption 'he is us.'
Incident Report
Waited 4 hours and 22 minutes without a single complaint. Let 6 people go ahead of him in line because they 'looked like they were in a hurry.' Brought homemade sandwiches for the entire staff. Turkey and swiss. They were excellent. Helped an elderly woman fill out her form. Fixed a jammed printer in the back office. By the time he left, three employees had cried and one had reconsidered quitting.
DMV Staff Quote
“That is the nicest person who has ever been in this building. I have worked here for 23 years. Nobody has ever brought us sandwiches. Nobody has ever said 'thank you for your service' to a DMV employee and meant it. I need a moment.”
Would They Return?
Yes. Said the wait gave him 'time to think about things.' Refused to elaborate. Looked out the window for a long time.
Vehicle Registered
Tesla Cybertruck (attempted)
DMV Photo Result
Acceptable, but he insisted the camera was 'using outdated sensor technology' and offered to redesign it. Staff declined. He tweeted about the camera's refresh rate during the photo, so his eyes are looking down at his phone. It is the most Elon Musk photo possible.
Incident Report
Arrived in a Cybertruck. The system could not process 'Cybertruck' as a vehicle type. Spent 45 minutes explaining to the clerk that it is, in fact, a truck, despite looking like a triangle from a PlayStation 1 game. Offered to rewrite their entire software system 'by Thursday.' They declined. He then offered to buy the DMV. They also declined. Filed the Cybertruck under 'Other - Geometric Object' and moved on. Later tweeted 'DMV software is a mass-produced tragedy. Will fix.'
DMV Staff Quote
“He offered to replace our computer system with something he's building. Our computers are from 2011 and honestly we almost said yes. Almost. Then he said it would run on Dogecoin and we said absolutely not.”
Would They Return?
No. Plans to 'automate the entire DMV experience' so no one ever has to go again. Has not followed up on this.
Vehicle Registered
2006 Cadillac DTS
DMV Photo Result
Looks like someone's pleasant grandfather who wandered in from a Dairy Queen. Smiled warmly. The photo is indistinguishable from a passport photo of any man from Nebraska over the age of 80. Nobody in the DMV recognized him. Not one person.
Incident Report
Drove himself to the DMV in a 2006 Cadillac DTS with 87,000 miles on it. Paid the $12 registration renewal fee with exact change from a worn leather coin purse. Read the newspaper the entire time he waited. Not on a phone. An actual physical newspaper. Chatted with the woman next to him about whether the vending machine Coca-Cola was fairly priced (his conclusion: overvalued at $2.50, fair value $1.75). Left in the same 2006 Cadillac. The richest person in the building was also the most patient.
DMV Staff Quote
“Very polite older gentleman. Paid in exact change. Had a newspaper. Honestly, he was the least memorable person here today and I mean that as a compliment. He seemed happy about the whole thing.”
Would They Return?
Yes. Has been coming to the same DMV location since 1991. Tips the vending machine repair person.
Vehicle Registered
1967 Shelby GT500 Eleanor (yes, from the movie)
DMV Photo Result
Transcendent. He treated the DMV photo like an audition for a role he was born to play. Gave the camera three distinct expressions in rapid succession -- anguish, ecstasy, and 'man who just remembered he left the stove on.' The final photo captures all three simultaneously. It is art. The DMV employee said it was the most unsettling photo she had taken in 19 years of service.
Incident Report
Arrived wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses indoors. Refused to remove the sunglasses for 40 minutes because he was 'in character.' For what, nobody knows. When his number was called, he stood up and whispered 'it's time' to no one. Delivered his full legal name -- Nicolas Kim Coppola -- like he was announcing himself at a medieval court. Asked if he could register 'a concept' as a vehicle. Was told no. Accepted this with a single, heavy nod.
DMV Staff Quote
“He stared at me for a full ten seconds before speaking. Then he said his name like it was a secret. I have seen a lot of things at this DMV. I have never seen anything like that. I need to go home.”
Would They Return?
Yes. Called it 'the most honest human experience left in America.' Wants to make a movie about it.
Vehicle Registered
Custom electric Hummer EV and a 1951 M47 Patton tank (attempted)
DMV Photo Result
He flexed. The photographer told him not to flex. He flexed less, which for Arnold still looks like flexing. The final photo shows a 78-year-old man with arms bigger than most people's legs, smiling like he just conquered a small country. It is the most intimidating DMV photo in California history.
Incident Report
Arrived at 5:45 AM for a DMV that opens at 8. Was first in line. Used the waiting time to do calf raises in the parking lot. When the doors opened, he entered and said 'I'm back' to the security guard, who did not find this as funny as Arnold did. Also attempted to register a decommissioned military tank. The form does not have a category for 'tank.' Filed it under 'recreational vehicle.' Nobody argued with him.
DMV Staff Quote
“He told me 'I'll be back' when he left and I have to be honest, three other people have said that to me today but when HE said it, it actually meant something. Also he tried to register a tank. We let it slide.”
Would They Return?
Yes. Considers it 'good civic duty.' Does calf raises in every line he encounters.
Vehicle Registered
2025 Range Rover Autobiography
DMV Photo Result
Oprah does not take bad photos. The lighting was terrible, the background was a faded blue curtain with a coffee stain, and the camera was from 2009. The photo still looks like a magazine cover. She has powers that science cannot explain.
Incident Report
The entire waiting room recognized her simultaneously. There was an audible gasp. Oprah sat in a plastic chair for 3 hours and 30 minutes like a regular person. She did not complain. She made friends with everyone in her row. By the time her number was called, she had heard four life stories, given two pieces of genuinely good advice, and made one woman cry tears of joy. Did NOT give everyone a car. Several people were visibly disappointed by this.
DMV Staff Quote
“She sat in the plastic chair and I thought 'that chair is not ready for this.' She was so nice. So patient. But I could tell she wanted to fix our entire operation. She had that look. The Oprah look. The 'I could buy this building and turn it into something beautiful' look.”
Would They Return?
Yes, but she will send someone next time. Not because she's above it -- she just wants to 'empower someone else to have the experience.'
Vehicle Registered
2025 Rivian R1S and a 'support vehicle' he declined to describe
DMV Photo Result
Bald head reflected the flash so aggressively that the first photo was just a white orb. Second attempt: he laughed, which made it worse. Third attempt: acceptable. He looks like a Bond villain who just got his license renewed. Which is essentially what happened.
Incident Report
His wait time was suspiciously short. Nobody knows how. He arrived at 9:15 and was out by 10:02. The next closest wait time that day was 2 hours and 40 minutes. When asked about this, he smiled and said 'I'm a very patient person.' He is not. He was wearing a vest for no reason. There were rumors he had the DMV's queueing algorithm optimized overnight but this has not been confirmed.
DMV Staff Quote
“He was in and out faster than anyone I've ever processed and I genuinely do not understand how. His paperwork was already filled out. Perfectly. In triplicate. Who brings triplicate copies to the DMV? Billionaires, apparently.”
Would They Return?
No. He will 'optimize the process remotely.' What that means is unclear and slightly threatening.
Vehicle Registered
2025 Mercedes-Maybach GLS 600
DMV Photo Result
Flawless. The DMV photo looks like it was taken by Annie Leibovitz at golden hour on a beach in Malibu. It was taken by a government employee named Daryl under fluorescent lights in a building that smells like floor cleaner. Nobody can explain this. Beyonce did not do anything special. She just stood there. The camera cooperated because it had no choice.
Incident Report
Wore sunglasses, a hat, and a face mask. Was recognized in under four seconds. The waiting room went completely silent, then erupted. She waited the full 3 hours and 55 minutes without complaint, scrolling her phone and occasionally nodding to music nobody else could hear. When her number was called, she walked to the counter with such presence that the DMV employee stood up involuntarily. Every form was filled out perfectly. In calligraphy.
DMV Staff Quote
“I've processed about 40,000 people at this counter. She is the only one who made me nervous. My hand was shaking when I took her thumbprint. I've been doing this for 12 years. My hand does not shake.”
Would They Return?
Unknown. Her publicist sent a statement that said 'Mrs. Knowles-Carter found the experience grounding.' That could mean anything.
Vehicle Registered
2024 Lamborghini Urus (registered under 'Deadpool LLC')
DMV Photo Result
He made a face. The employee said 'sir, please look normal.' He said 'this IS my normal face.' The resulting photo looks like a man who is either about to tell you a joke or sell you Aviation Gin. The DMV employee later admitted it was the funniest photo she'd ever taken and she hated that she laughed.
Incident Report
Narrated his entire DMV experience out loud as if he were in a documentary. 'And here we see the American male in his natural habitat: the plastic DMV chair. Notice the defeated posture. The glazed eyes. Beautiful.' Made friends with every person in the waiting room. Got three phone numbers (not romantic -- they want to be in his next movie). Tried to register his vehicle under the name 'Deadpool LLC.' Was told this required additional paperwork. Produced the additional paperwork from his jacket pocket. It was already notarized.
DMV Staff Quote
“He would not stop talking. But he was funny, so I let it go. He asked if our computer system runs on 'hopes and dreams' and honestly? He's not wrong.”
Would They Return?
Yes. Said it was 'the best free comedy show in America.' He wasn't performing. He was just... observing. And narrating.
Vehicle Registered
1967 Pontiac Parisienne (lowrider, custom)
DMV Photo Result
He looked directly into the camera with an expression that can only be described as 'deeply unbothered.' The photo is the most relaxed DMV photo in recorded history. He looks like he is on vacation. At the DMV. In a government building with no windows. Somehow still on vacation.
Incident Report
Arrived 20 minutes late to his own appointment and seemed surprised that appointments at the DMV are not flexible. Sat down and immediately fell asleep in the plastic chair. Slept for 90 minutes. Woke up, asked what time it was, and said 'that's cool' regardless of the answer. When finally called to the counter, he moved at a pace that can only be described as 'continental drift.' The entire transaction took 45 minutes because he kept stopping to tell stories.
DMV Staff Quote
“He fell asleep in the chair and I genuinely considered just letting him stay. He looked so peaceful. Nobody is peaceful at the DMV. It was unsettling and beautiful at the same time.”
Would They Return?
Yes. Called the DMV 'a vibe.' It is not a vibe. But for him, somehow, it was.
Vehicle Registered
2025 Ferrari 296 GTB
DMV Photo Result
He looked angry in the photo. He was not angry. That is simply his face. The DMV employee asked him to smile. He smiled. He still looked angry. They gave up. The photo is now used internally as a 'what not to do' example for DMV photo training, which is ironic because he actually tried his best.
Incident Report
Critiqued everything. The waiting room layout ('a disgrace'), the number system ('medieval'), the vending machine food ('I wouldn't serve this to a prison'), the carpet ('what color was this supposed to be?'), and the pen attached to the counter by a chain ('this pen is RAWWW'). He was not mean about it. He just could not physically stop himself from providing feedback. Submitted a 3-page written review of the DMV to the manager before leaving. It included a redesigned floor plan.
DMV Staff Quote
“He told me our forms were 'overcooked.' I don't know what that means for a government form but he seemed very passionate about it. He also said our waiting room chairs were 'the saddest things he's ever sat in' and honestly, he's right.”
Would They Return?
No. Plans to open a competing DMV with better ambiance and a wine list. He was not joking.
Vehicle Registered
2024 Toyota RAV4 (surprisingly normal)
DMV Photo Result
She turned it into a photo shoot. Not intentionally -- she just looked at the camera and the photo was automatically better than 99.9% of all DMV photos ever taken. The employee asked if she was a model. She said no. The employee did not believe her. The photo has since appeared on three fan accounts with the caption 'she makes even the DMV aesthetic.'
Incident Report
Was recognized immediately. Handled it with grace. Signed autographs for 45 minutes. Two teenage girls cried. One adult man also cried but pretended he had allergies. She was writing in a notebook the entire time she waited, and when someone asked what she was writing, she said 'you'll find out.' Seven months later she released an album with a track called 'License to Leave' and the entire DMV staff is convinced it's about them. It's not confirmed. But the lyrics mention 'fluorescent lights' and 'a number that never comes.'
DMV Staff Quote
“The nicest famous person I've dealt with, after Keanu. She signed my daughter's folder. My daughter is 34. She still uses that folder.”
Would They Return?
Unclear. But if she does, the DMV staff has already prepared a welcome banner. It's been in storage for seven months. 'Just in case.'
Vehicle Registered
Custom Cadillac Escalade (with 'enhanced security modifications')
DMV Photo Result
He smiled. It looked like a smile that was rendered by an AI that had been shown 10,000 examples of smiling but had never actually experienced joy. The DMV employee said 'can you try again?' He tried again. Same smile. Pixel for pixel identical. They accepted it. It haunts the employee to this day.
Incident Report
Sat in the waiting room scrolling through his own app, which is a power move nobody expected. Made eye contact with no one. When his number was called, he walked to the counter and answered every question in a way that was technically correct but emotionally empty. 'What is the vehicle for?' 'Transportation.' 'Primary use?' 'Moving from one location to another.' The clerk asked if he was okay. He said 'I'm doing great' in a tone that suggested the opposite. Applied sweet baby ray's BBQ sauce to a snack he brought. Nobody commented on this.
DMV Staff Quote
“Technically the most efficient person I've ever processed. Every answer was correct. Every form was perfect. But talking to him felt like talking to a very polite chatbot. I kept wanting to ask 'are you real?' but I was afraid of the answer.”
Would They Return?
He has already built an internal Meta tool that simulates the DMV experience in VR. He calls it 'MetaDMV.' No one has asked for this.
Vehicle Registered
2023 Tesla Model S
DMV Photo Result
Distinguished. He looked directly into the camera and somehow the fluorescent DMV lighting became cinematic. The photo has the energy of a movie poster for a film called 'License to Renew: A Morgan Freeman Story.' The employee said it was the best photo she'd taken all year. It was January 3rd, but still.
Incident Report
Narrated the entire experience. Not to anyone in particular -- just... out loud. 'And so he sat, in a plastic chair built for a smaller man, waiting for a number that might never come. The fluorescent lights hummed their indifferent song.' Four people thought it was a hidden camera show. Two people recorded it. One person asked him to narrate their divorce proceedings. He politely declined but seemed tempted.
DMV Staff Quote
“He narrated me doing my job and honestly it was the most validated I've ever felt. He said 'she stamped the form with the quiet authority of a woman who has stamped ten thousand forms before her.' I have stamped way more than ten thousand forms but the point stands. I almost cried.”
Would They Return?
Yes. Said the DMV is 'one of the great equalizers.' Then he narrated himself walking to his car. The parking lot has never sounded so poetic.
Vehicle Registered
2024 Rolls-Royce Spectre
DMV Photo Result
She arrived in full stage makeup, a crystal-encrusted jacket, and platform boots. The DMV photo policy requires a neutral expression and no hats. She complied. The resulting photo is Lady Gaga in full avant-garde couture making the most aggressively neutral face a human being has ever produced. It is the Mona Lisa of DMV photos.
Incident Report
Treated the DMV like a performance venue. Not rudely -- she was genuinely kind -- but she entered with presence that made the automatic doors seem like a stage curtain parting. Sat in the plastic chair like it was a throne. When her number was called, she rose and walked to the counter in a way that made three people clap involuntarily. Filled out every form correctly and quickly. Tipped the DMV employee, which is not a thing you can do, but the employee accepted the $100 bill because refusing Lady Gaga felt wrong.
DMV Staff Quote
“She was wearing an outfit that cost more than my car and she sat in that chair for almost three hours and never once complained. She also tipped me, which I don't think is allowed, but I'm keeping it. I've earned it. I work at the DMV.”
Would They Return?
Yes. Called it 'the most democratic institution in America.' She is not wrong.
Vehicle Registered
1970 Chevrolet Corvette Stingray
DMV Photo Result
He did the squint. The McConaughey squint. The employee asked him to open his eyes all the way. He said 'they ARE open all the way.' The resulting photo looks like a man who is either deeply contemplative or has just looked directly at the sun. It is the most McConaughey photo ever taken, and it was taken at the DMV.
Incident Report
Arrived shirtless. Was asked to put on a shirt. Said 'alright, alright, alright' and put on a shirt he had in his back pocket, folded perfectly, as if he planned this. Sat in the waiting room reading a philosophy book. Struck up a conversation with the man next to him about 'the nature of waiting' and whether 'time at the DMV moves differently than time outside.' The man next to him was there for a learner's permit. He was 16. He left that DMV a changed person.
DMV Staff Quote
“He arrived without a shirt and I've been doing this job for nine years and that's a first. He also asked me if I'd 'found my joy yet.' I work at the DMV, sir. No. I have not found my joy. But I appreciated him asking.”
Would They Return?
Yes. He finds the DMV 'grounding' and 'a reminder that we're all just people waiting for our number to be called.' He said this while putting on sunglasses and walking into the parking lot. I think he was talking about life.
Vehicle Registered
2025 Porsche Cayenne Turbo GT
DMV Photo Result
She laughed right as the photo was taken because the employee sneezed. The resulting photo is Adele mid-laugh under fluorescent lighting and it is somehow still stunning. The employee apologized. Adele said 'no, keep it, that's the real me.' It is now the most joyful DMV photo in the state of California.
Incident Report
Was recognized by her laugh before anyone saw her face. She laughed at something on her phone and six heads turned simultaneously. Waited patiently. Made small talk with the elderly couple next to her about their grandchildren. When she got to the counter and was asked to state her name, she said 'Adele Laurie Blue Adkins' and the clerk said 'Oh, just Adele works.' She signed her forms and her signature is so elegant the clerk thought it was a font.
DMV Staff Quote
“When she said her name I got chills. CHILLS. At my desk. At the DMV. Nobody gets chills at the DMV. She broke the laws of this building.”
Would They Return?
Yes. But she said she might cry next time because 'DMVs are emotionally heavy places' and honestly she might be right.
Vehicle Registered
1989 Jeep Grand Wagoneer
DMV Photo Result
He made a different face for each of the three attempts. First: existential despair. Second: manic joy. Third: the face of a man who has accepted that none of this matters and is at peace with it. They used the third one. It is the most Bill Murray thing that has ever been captured on a government camera.
Incident Report
Showed up unannounced, no appointment, at 7:55 AM. When told the wait would be six hours, he said 'perfect.' Spent the first two hours reading a book. Spent the next two hours talking to strangers. Spent the final two hours just sitting there after his transaction was complete because, and this is a direct quote, 'where else would I be?' He helped an elderly man understand the forms. He gave a teenager advice about college. He told a DMV employee she had 'great energy.' Nobody asked him to do any of this. He just... did it.
DMV Staff Quote
“He was done at hour four and he just... stayed. He sat back down. I asked him if he needed anything else and he said 'no, I just like it here.' Nobody likes it here. He liked it here. I think Bill Murray might be broken. Or enlightened. I can't tell.”
Would They Return?
Yes. He has come back three times this year. He does not need anything. He just shows up. We've stopped questioning it.
Vehicle Registered
2025 Rivian R1T (electric, obviously)
DMV Photo Result
He tried the 'Gatsby raise' -- chin up, eyes slightly narrowed, the faintest suggestion of a smile. The DMV employee said 'just look at the camera normally.' He said he was. The photo looks like a man who is about to deliver a monologue about the American Dream. It is both too much and exactly enough.
Incident Report
Arrived in an electric vehicle and mentioned it was electric within the first 30 seconds. Sat in the waiting room and was recognized immediately. Spent the entire wait having a very serious conversation on his phone about ocean conservation. Everyone in a 15-foot radius now knows more about coral bleaching than they ever wanted to. When he got to the counter, every question was answered with more words than necessary. 'Purpose of visit?' turned into a four-minute speech about responsible vehicle ownership.
DMV Staff Quote
“Nice man. Very passionate about the ocean. I now know what a 'dead zone' is and I'm not sure I wanted to. He also asked if our paper was recycled. It's a government building, sir. I don't control the paper.”
Would They Return?
Yes, but only if they switch to recycled forms and install a solar panel. He left a pamphlet.
Vehicle Registered
2024 Range Rover SV
DMV Photo Result
She brought her own lighting. A small clip-on ring light that she attached to the DMV camera before the employee could object. The resulting photo looks like a Williams Sonoma catalog cover. The employee did not remove the ring light for the next 47 photos. Those 47 people have the best DMV photos of their lives and they will never know why.
Incident Report
Arrived with a folder containing every document she could possibly need, organized by category with color-coded tabs. The DMV employee said it was the most organized file she had ever seen in 15 years. Martha also brought homemade lemon bars for the staff. They were perfect. She critiqued the waiting room's feng shui, suggested a different chair arrangement, and left a handwritten note for the building manager with 'a few thoughts on the paint color.' The note was four pages long.
DMV Staff Quote
“She handed me lemon bars and a redesign of our lobby. Both were excellent. I've already submitted the lobby redesign to my supervisor. He said no. The lemon bars said yes.”
Would They Return?
Yes. She has already planned what she's bringing next time (scones and a revised parking lot layout). She treats the DMV like a home renovation project. We are not complaining.
Vehicle Registered
Custom matte black Lamborghini Urus (no plates, no registration, no paperwork)
DMV Photo Result
He refused to smile. The employee said smiling was optional. He said 'I know.' The photo is Kanye staring into the camera with an intensity that suggests the camera owes him money. It is the most confrontational DMV photo ever taken. He requested it be printed on premium card stock. They cannot do that.
Incident Report
Arrived with no paperwork. None. Not a single document. When told he needed proof of ownership, insurance, and identification, he said 'I'm Kanye.' The clerk said 'I still need your documents.' He left. Came back 2 hours later with every document, hand-delivered by an assistant, in a custom leather portfolio with his name embossed on it. The documents were correct. The portfolio alone cost more than the vehicle registration. He also redesigned the DMV's logo on a napkin while waiting. It was genuinely better. They did not use it.
DMV Staff Quote
“He said 'I'm Kanye' like that was a form of ID. It is not. He also redesigned our logo and I hate to say it but it was actually really good. We are not allowed to accept napkin-based logo proposals.”
Would They Return?
No. He described the experience as 'a system designed to suppress genius.' He was talking about the number ticket system.
Vehicle Registered
Custom pink Cadillac Escalade
DMV Photo Result
Absolutely radiant. The fluorescent lights hit her hair and created what can only be described as a halo. The DMV employee said 'how do you look this good under these lights?' Dolly said 'honey, it costs a lot of money to look this cheap' and winked. The photo is now the morale poster in the break room.
Incident Report
Walked in and every single person in the waiting room smiled. It was involuntary. She is a walking serotonin boost. Sat down and immediately started talking to the woman next to her about her grandchildren, her church, and whether the vending machine had any good snacks (it did not, but Dolly said 'well, it's trying its best and that's what counts'). When her number was called, she said 'wish me luck!' to the entire room. They clapped. She blew a kiss. The security guard teared up.
DMV Staff Quote
“I have worked at the DMV for 22 years and she is the only person who has ever made this building feel like a place where good things happen. I would die for that woman. I said that out loud and I meant it.”
Would They Return?
Yes. She offered to perform a short set in the waiting room to 'help the time pass for folks.' The DMV said no due to fire code. This is the greatest tragedy in government history.
Vehicle Registered
Custom Superman-themed Ford F-650 Super Truck
DMV Photo Result
The camera was too low. Way too low. The first photo was of his chest. The employee asked him to crouch. He crouched. The photo is now of a 7-foot-1 man hunched over like he's entering a hobbit hole, smiling like he just told himself a joke. It is the most endearing DMV photo in the system.
Incident Report
Did not fit in the plastic chair. This was immediately apparent and universally acknowledged. He sat on two chairs. This also did not work. He stood for 2 hours and 20 minutes and never once complained. When he got to the counter, the counter came up to his mid-thigh. He had to bend down to talk to the clerk like he was speaking to a child through a playhouse window. Tried to register a vehicle that the system described as 'oversized.' He said 'so am I.' The clerk laughed for the first time that day. Possibly that year.
DMV Staff Quote
“The counter comes up to his belly button. I had to look straight up to make eye contact. My neck still hurts. He was the nicest person I dealt with today and he couldn't even sit in our chairs. We need bigger chairs. We've always needed bigger chairs. Shaq just made it obvious.”
Would They Return?
Yes. But he requested they 'raise the counter by about two feet.' He was joking. But also he was not joking.
Vehicle Registered
2019 Fiat 500 (perfect fit)
DMV Photo Result
He grinned. Not smiled -- grinned. The full Danny DeVito grin that makes you feel like you're about to be involved in a scheme. The DMV employee said it was 'the most character a DMV photo has ever had.' It looks like a mugshot from a crime that was technically legal. He loved it.
Incident Report
Walked in and immediately befriended the security guard, who did not know who he was. Danny did not care. Spent four hours making the waiting room a better place through sheer chaotic energy. Told jokes to strangers. Shared snacks from a plastic bag he brought from home (pistachios, mixed nuts, and what appeared to be a hard-boiled egg wrapped in a napkin). When his number was called, he shuffled to the counter and said 'finally, the star of the show' and the clerk said 'sir, this is the DMV' and Danny said 'exactly.'
DMV Staff Quote
“Short guy, big energy. I didn't recognize him until someone told me and then everything made sense. He offered me a pistachio. I accepted. It was a good pistachio. This is the most positive interaction I've had at this job.”
Would They Return?
Yes. Said the DMV is 'the great equalizer, baby.' He is correct. He also left the pistachio bag for the staff. There were four pistachios left. It was a kind gesture.
Vehicle Registered
2024 Audi e-tron GT
DMV Photo Result
She tripped on the way to the photo station. Caught herself. Laughed. The photo was taken mid-laugh-recovery and it is the most genuine DMV photo ever captured. She looks like a person who is actually alive, which is rare for DMV photos. She refused a retake because 'that's basically my brand at this point.'
Incident Report
Tripped entering the building. Tripped again walking to her seat. Did not trip a third time but appeared ready to at all times. The plastic chairs in the waiting room were her enemy -- she knocked one over standing up and apologized to it like it was a person. Told the woman next to her 'I hate these chairs and I think they hate me.' The woman agreed. They bonded. When her number was called, she walked to the counter carefully, like the floor was made of ice, and completed her transaction without incident. This was considered a victory.
DMV Staff Quote
“She fell. Twice. In my 11 years here, I've never seen someone trip that many times in a building with flat floors. But she was so charming about it that everyone loved her immediately. She apologized to a chair. I've never seen anyone apologize to a chair before.”
Would They Return?
Yes. But she wants 'carpeted floors and chairs that are bolted down.' For safety.
Vehicle Registered
1972 Mercedes-Benz 280SE (has had it since the '70s)
DMV Photo Result
He lowered his sunglasses, looked over them at the camera, and raised one eyebrow. The DMV employee said 'sir, please remove your sunglasses entirely.' He removed them. He raised the eyebrow again. The photo looks like the poster for a film called 'The DMV' starring Jack Nicholson. It won an imaginary Oscar. He did this in one take.
Incident Report
Arrived wearing sunglasses that he did not remove until physically required to by DMV photo policy. Sat in the waiting room with an expression that suggested he had either seen everything or nothing. Did not speak to anyone. Did not look at his phone (he may not have one). Just sat. Existing. Being Jack Nicholson in a DMV. When his number was called, he stood up slowly, adjusted his jacket, and walked to the counter like he owned the building. He does not own the building. But for 12 seconds, everyone believed he did.
DMV Staff Quote
“He didn't say much. He didn't have to. He walked to my counter and I forgot my own name for a second. I've been doing this job for 17 years. I know my name. He made me forget it.”
Would They Return?
Unknown. He put his sunglasses back on, nodded once, and walked out. No one knows what that meant. No one asked.
Things We Learned from Celebrities at the DMV
The Keanu Principle
If you bring sandwiches for the staff, you can get away with anything. Not that Keanu needed to get away with anything. He just brought sandwiches because he's Keanu. The rest of us should take notes.
The Buffett Rule
The richest person in the room is always the one you least expect. He drove a 2006 Cadillac. He paid with coins. Nobody recognized him. This is either the most humble or the most baller thing a billionaire has ever done.
The Cage Theorem
No matter how strange you think Nicolas Cage will behave in a given situation, the reality will be stranger. He tried to register 'a concept' as a vehicle. This is beyond parody. This is just Nicolas Cage.
The Murray Paradox
Bill Murray stayed at the DMV for 6 hours. He was done after 4. He stayed because he 'liked it there.' Nobody likes the DMV. Bill Murray likes the DMV. Bill Murray operates on a different plane of existence.
The Beyonce Exception
The laws of DMV photography do not apply to Beyonce. Fluorescent lighting, a 2009 camera, and a government employee named Daryl could not stop her. She is an anomaly. The data does not account for her.
The Dolly Effect
Dolly Parton can make any room better just by being in it. Including the DMV. Especially the DMV. A security guard cried. She offered to perform a set. The fire code said no. This is the greatest loss in American administrative history.
I spent three months documenting celebrities at the DMV and the main thing I learned is that the DMV does not care. It does not care about your net worth, your filmography, or your Instagram following. Your number is B-247 and you will wait in the plastic chair like everyone else. Keanu brought sandwiches. Bill Murray refused to leave. Dolly made everyone cry. And Tom Cruise ran to the front of the line and was told to sit down. The DMV is the last honest place on Earth.
Frequently Asked Questions
Did these celebrities actually go to the DMV?
This is a comedy page. These are fictional accounts of what would happen if celebrities had to go to the DMV like normal people. No actual DMVs were infiltrated. No government employees were interviewed. Tom Cruise did not try to hang from the ceiling, as far as we know.
Has anyone ever actually brought sandwiches to a DMV?
Not that we know of, but if anyone would, it would be Keanu Reeves. The man once gave up his subway seat for a stranger. Bringing turkey and swiss to government employees is well within his established behavioral range.
Can you actually register a Cybertruck at the DMV?
Yes, Cybertrucks are registered as regular trucks at the DMV. The joke is about the DMV's computer systems struggling with it, which, given that many DMV systems run on software from the early 2000s, is not entirely unrealistic.
Why do all DMV photos look terrible?
Fluorescent lighting, low-resolution cameras from 2009, a stressed employee who has taken 200 photos today, and the existential dread of being at the DMV. Beyonce is apparently immune to all of these factors. Scientists are investigating.
Who had the best DMV experience?
Bill Murray, who stayed for 6 hours by choice, and Dolly Parton, who turned the waiting room into a community gathering. Worst experience: Kanye West, who arrived with zero documents and left to come back with all of them in a custom leather portfolio.
Who is Glen Bradford?
Glen Bradford is a Salesforce developer, investor, and author who has strong opinions about what would happen if celebrities had to wait in line like everyone else. He founded Cloud Nimbus LLC, built Delivery Hub for the Salesforce AppExchange, published 9 books, and maintains an investment thesis on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac preferred shares. Follow him on Twitter @DoNotLose.
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