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I bought these for my warm-up and quickly realized they're more suitable as paperweights. My 4-year-old uses them now. She says they're 'okay.' Looking for something in the 150lb range for my LEFT ARM. Also, the shipping box was harder to open than the workout itself. The delivery driver looked at me, looked at the box, and whispered 'are these for your kid?' They were not. They are now. Two stars because the rubber grip didn't leave marks on my granite countertop.

I bought this calculator in 1979. It still works. This is what I call a wide moat — no competitor has been able to displace it from my desk. The batteries have been replaced twice, which brings my cost basis to approximately $0.003 per calculation. Outstanding ROI. My only complaint is it doesn't have a 'compound interest' button, but I do that in my head anyway. Charlie would have given this six stars but he believed in discipline. I've done the math on upgrading to a newer model. The math said no.

Works great but apparently I tweeted that I was taking Tesla private at $420 while under the influence. 3 stars because the SEC now has questions. Also I redesigned the pill shape at 2 AM and sent the blueprints to my manufacturing team. They were not pleased. The recommended dosage says 'one tablet.' I took one tablet and woke up with a signed contract to buy a social media company. Would recommend only if you have someone to hide your phone. UPDATE: Just ordered a rocket part. Again.

Perfect for sitting and contemplating the nature of existence. Very sturdy. Good sandwich support. I've been sitting on this bench for three hours and I've come to terms with several things. The assembly instructions say it takes two people. I did it alone because sometimes in life you have to build things by yourself. The bench doesn't judge you. The bench just is. Five stars. Be excellent to each other, and to your furniture.

Look, I've held the real thing. This is a solid replica but it's missing the invisible treasure map on the back. Yes, I know 'that was a movie.' That's what they WANT you to think. The parchment quality is excellent and it aged well when I held a lighter underneath it to check for hidden messages. My wife asked me to stop. She doesn't understand the gravity of what's at stake. Four stars because I was hoping for at least a partial treasure map. Still framed it above my collection of dinosaur skulls.

This microwave is a DISGRACE. It has a 'defrost' button. DEFROST?! You plan ahead, you absolute donut! I plugged it in and it beeped at me. I DON'T NEED A MACHINE BEEPING AT ME. I DO THE YELLING IN THIS KITCHEN. My 9-year-old daughter made soup in it and said it was 'fine.' FINE?! FINE IS NOT A WORD WE USE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD. I've thrown it out. It's in the bin. Right next to your dreams of being a chef if you think a microwave is cooking. One star and that's GENEROUS.

I applied this sunscreen before my daily outdoor human activity session (surfing) and it performed within acceptable parameters. The SPF 100+ provides adequate UV radiation shielding for my skin, which I am told is 'unusually pale' for someone living in Hawaii. My wife said I look like a 'normal person' now when I go outside, which was the goal. Deducting one star because it does not protect against the real threat: people screenshotting your posts. Would purchase again for future human outdoor recreation.

This mirror is fantastic. I use it every morning to watch myself flex, which is the most important meal of the day. The full-length design allows me to admire my quadriceps AND my biceps simultaneously, which previously required two mirrors and a complicated arrangement of trust. It's like having a personal audience that never gets tired of the show. My wife says I spend too much time in front of it. She's wrong. There is no such thing as too much time. Get to the mirror. Do it now.

I've been running in movies for 40 years and I've tested every shoe on the market. These performed excellently during a full sprint through downtown Prague, across three rooftops, off the side of a moving train, and into a helicopter. The cushioning held up through all of it. My stunt coordinator asked if I needed a double for the shoe review. I said no. I do my own shoe reviews. The laces stayed tied even at Mach 0.8. Only concern: they don't come in a 'clinging to the outside of an airplane' variant yet. Nike, call me.

I am reviewing a gift card to my own website. Is this a conflict of interest? Perhaps. But the customer experience was flawless. The one-click purchasing was elegant — I should know, I patented it. Delivery was fast because I own the delivery infrastructure. The gift box was premium, which I can confirm because I set the quality standards. Some may question whether a founder can objectively review his own product. To them I say: who knows this product better than me? Five stars. The system works. You're welcome.

I plugged this microphone in and narrated my morning routine. My coffee maker wept. The toast listened. Two birds on my windowsill stopped mid-argument to hear me describe the sunrise. This microphone captures every nuance of my voice, which, as the internet has noted, is capable of narrating the phone book into an Emmy. The cardioid pattern is excellent. The gain control is intuitive. My neighbor asked me to 'please stop narrating everything.' I narrated his request back to him. He cried. Five stars.

This jumpsuit reminds me of an outfit I wore daily from 2004 to 2005, though that version came with a less flattering color and mandatory scheduling. The fit is utilitarian but I've tailored mine with hand-sewn French seams and added a monogrammed pocket square. Pairs beautifully with homemade focaccia and an ankle monitor. Deducting one star because the fabric could be softer — prison-grade cotton was actually more breathable, which is the only nice thing I'll say about that experience. Snoop loved it.

As an environmentalist, I love that this car produces zero emissions. As a person who reads the news, I have complicated feelings about the man who makes it. Drove it to a climate change fundraiser and someone asked if it was ironic. I don't know anymore. The autopilot is smooth. The acceleration is silent. The CEO's Twitter is neither of those things. Three stars because the car is genuinely excellent but every time I turn it on, the dashboard shows a picture of a man I've publicly praised and now privately question. The heated seats are amazing though.

This is the wallet. THE wallet. Does it say 'Bad Mother' on it? No, Amazon wouldn't let me customize it with that particular phrase, but I wrote it on there myself with a silver Sharpie. The leather is genuine. The stitching is clean. It holds exactly the right number of cards for a man who doesn't carry cash because EVERYONE knows who I am. The compartments are organized, the RFID blocking works, and it fits perfectly in the inside pocket of a suit jacket. Does this wallet spark joy? I SAID DOES THIS WALLET SPARK JOY? Yes. Yes it does.

This book fundamentally reshaped my understanding of energy transitions in a way that I believe every person on Earth should experience. I'll be brief. [Editor's note: he was not brief.] Chapter 3 alone contains more insight than most doctoral theses. I've recommended this to every person I've met for the past six years, including my dentist, who did not ask. Vaclav Smil publishes a new book roughly every four months and I've read all 44 of them. If you only read one book this year, make it this one. If you read two, make the second one also by Vaclav Smil. I've started a book club. Attendance is mandatory for my employees. Five stars. I could say more. I will say more. In a blog post. That I've already written. It's 6,000 words.

Now here's the thing about shirts. You buy 'em, you try 'em on, and then you realize: the best shirt is no shirt. That's what I call freedom. I wore one of these for approximately eleven minutes before the universe whispered 'take it off, Matthew.' And who am I to argue with the universe? The cotton is soft. The tagless design is appreciated. But my chest didn't get this tan by being covered up. Three stars because the shirts themselves are fine — it's the concept of shirts I take issue with. Alright alright alright.

[Posthumous review, submitted via the iCloud Afterlife Beta] I held this phone for three seconds. It has a stylus. A STYLUS. Who wants a stylus? Nobody wants a stylus. I said this in 2007 and death has not changed my position. The phone has 47 camera modes. Forty-seven. That means Samsung held a meeting where someone said 'what if we add another camera mode' forty-seven times and nobody had the courage to say stop. The settings menu has a settings menu. There is a folder inside a folder inside a folder. I designed a phone so simple your grandmother could use it. This phone requires a PhD. One star. Sent from my iPhone. Obviously.

I love this Kindle so much I bought 300 of them for my studio audience. The Paperwhite display is gorgeous. The battery lasts weeks. I've read 47 books on it this month alone and added all of them to my book club, which now has a backlog stretching into 2034. My favorite feature is the highlight function because I highlight EVERYTHING. Every sentence is important. Every word is a gift. The delivery driver asked why I ordered 300 Kindles. I said 'LOOK UNDER YOUR SEAT!' He was standing. There was no seat. He was confused. Five stars.

Let me tell you somethin' about this grill, nephew. The three burners heat up smooth — smoother than a G riding in a six-fo'. I made burgers, ribs, and some vegetables that Martha told me to try. The vegetables were actually fire, and I mean that literally because I left them on too long while I was recording a verse in the backyard. The built-in thermometer is clutch. The grease management system is genius. Only complaint: there's no built-in speaker system. Had to bring my own Bluetooth. Five stars. D-O-Double-G approved. Martha sends her regards.

Someone gifted me this as a JOKE. The recipe card said 'cook pasta for 12 minutes.' TWELVE MINUTES?! Are we making pasta or building a house? The pre-portioned ingredients came in little plastic bags like evidence from a crime scene — which is what this meal kit is. A CRIME AGAINST FOOD. The recipe said to 'season to taste.' Season to TASTE? I've spent 30 years training my palate and they want me to GUESS? My sous chef found me screaming at a bag of pre-diced onions. One star. The cardboard box had more flavor than the chicken.

I've filled 247 of these notebooks with lyrics, diary entries, and detailed lists of people who have wronged me (cross-referenced by album). The paper quality is excellent — it handles both ballpoint pen and teardrops without bleeding through. Each notebook represents approximately 3.5 songs and one public feud. The elastic closure keeps my secrets safe, which is more than I can say for some people. The ribbon bookmark always knows which page I'm on, which is more emotional intelligence than most of my exes demonstrated. Five stars. A love story. If you know, you know.

Good eggs. Fresh, large, free-range. Only problem: 12 is not enough. My morning omelette requires approximately 10 eggs, which means one carton barely covers breakfast. I've set up a Subscribe & Save for 14 cartons per week and the delivery driver now asks me if I'm running a restaurant. I am not. I am one man. One very large man who needs protein. The shells crack cleanly and the yolks are golden. Deducting one star because Amazon won't let me order eggs by the pallet. Fix this, Bezos. Four stars.

I completed this puzzle in 3 hours and 47 minutes, which I tracked using an internal optimization algorithm I developed for personal use. The bald eagle image is majestic and resonates with me for reasons that are definitely about patriotism and not about the shape of my head. The piece quality is excellent — each one fits with the satisfying click of a successful acquisition. My girlfriend asked why I was timing myself on a puzzle. I told her that everything is a competition, even leisure. She did not find this romantic. Five stars. Would disrupt again.

In the interest of radical transparency, I own this gin company. In the interest of even more radical transparency, this is the greatest gin ever produced by human civilization. Is that biased? Absolutely. Is it also correct? Also absolutely. The botanical blend is smooth, the finish is crisp, and every bottle sold puts money directly into my pocket, which I then use to make more Deadpool movies. My wife Blake says I'm 'insufferable' about the gin. I told her that's just the juniper talking. She didn't laugh. The gin did. Five stars. Buy several. Not financial advice. Okay, a little financial advice.

I do not need supplemental lighting. I produce my own glow. My team purchased this for a Zoom call and the moment they turned it on, it flickered, dimmed, and then turned itself off — presumably out of respect. The tripod is sturdy but unnecessary when you have the presence I have. Two stars because the concept of artificial lighting is fine for civilians but represents a fundamental misunderstanding of who I am. My assistant tried to return it but Amazon said it was 'damaged.' It wasn't damaged. It was humbled. You're welcome.

Now THIS is what I'm talkin' about! I put this mustard on my breakfast burrito and it was an immediate one-way ticket to FLAVORTOWN. The squeeze bottle design allows for maximum coverage — and I mean MAXIMUM. I use approximately one bottle per meal, which some people call 'excessive' and I call 'Tuesday.' My doctor says I should 'cut back on sodium.' I told him you can't put guardrails on genius. This mustard pairs beautifully with everything I eat, which is everything. Five stars! FLAVORTOWN FOREVER! Out of bounds!

Zero stars. You can't give zero so here's one. I bought a Treasury bond from the same government that orchestrated the net worth sweep of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, stealing $301 billion from preferred shareholders. Am I financing my own enemy? Yes. Do I appreciate the irony? No. The bond pays 5.27% interest, which is less than the return the Treasury made sweeping Fannie's profits. I'm using the interest payments to fund Volume 9 of the Fanniegate series. They thought I'd stop at 8 volumes. They were wrong. FNMAS forever. One star for the yield. Zero stars for the institution.