Darth Vader
Respiratory Therapist

Objective

Seasoned professional with over two decades of continuous experience in life support system management seeks to transition into respiratory therapy. Intimately familiar with breathing apparatus — both wearing one and controlling the breathing of others. Seeks a role where my deep, personal understanding of airway obstruction can benefit patients rather than terrorize subordinates.

Professional Experience

Skills

• •Mechanical ventilation (personal experience: 23 years continuous use)
• •Airway management (both therapeutic and... disciplinary)
• •Oxygen saturation monitoring (built into helmet HUD)
• •Breath control meditation (trained by Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, who also gave me the burns)
• •Remote airway occlusion via the Force (can be performed over video conference)
• •Patient intimidation for treatment compliance (100% success rate)
• •Life support system troubleshooting (if mine fails, I die — strong motivation)
• •Heavy breathing (unintentional but consistent)

Certifications

• •Sith Lord (Level II — Master)
• •Advanced Life Support (personal experience only — no formal certification, but 23 years on a ventilator should count for something)
• •OSHA Confined Space Entry (Death Star experience)
• •Lightsaber Safety (Red Level — Advanced)

References

• •Emperor Palpatine — Former Employer (DO NOT CONTACT — threw me down a reactor shaft after 23 years of loyal service)
• •Luke Skywalker — Son (complicated relationship; may not return calls)
• •Admiral Piett — Direct Report (one of the few who survived my management style; can confirm I am consistent)
• •Obi-Wan Kenobi — Former Mentor (deceased; also partially responsible for my need for a respirator; it is complicated)

Q: Welcome, Mr.... Vader. Is that your legal name?

Vader: Lord Vader. And no, it is not my birth name. I was born Anakin Skywalker. But that name no longer has any meaning for me. Much like your organization's mission statement, which I read and found vague.

Q: Thank you for that... feedback. Let's discuss your interest in respiratory therapy.

Vader: I have worn a mechanical respirator for 23 years. Every breath I take is processed through a filtration system, pressurized, and delivered to damaged lungs through a helmet-mounted ventilation unit. I know more about respiratory function than anyone alive. I am, quite literally, a breathing machine. *KHHH-PURRR... KHHH-PURRR*

Q: That sound — is that... you breathing?

Vader: Yes. It is continuous. I cannot stop it. It is what happens when your mentor leaves you burning in lava and your new boss puts you in a suit designed for intimidation rather than comfort. The sound is unsettling. I am aware. Patients will find it either soothing or terrifying. There is no middle ground.

Q: How would you handle a patient who refuses treatment?

Vader: I find that a firm hand — or a firm Force grip on their trachea — tends to resolve non-compliance quickly. I am joking. Mostly. I would explain the importance of the treatment, demonstrate my own dependence on respiratory support, and use my personal story as motivation. If that fails, I would alter the deal and pray they don't alter it further.

Q: What's your greatest weakness?

Vader: I find your lack of faith... disturbing. *long mechanical breath* But to answer directly: I have been told I lack patience with incompetence. On the Death Star, if an officer failed me, I would remotely close their airway until they collapsed. I am working on that. My therapist says I need to "use my words." This is difficult when every word I say sounds like a threat because of the voice modulator.

Q: Tell me about a time you worked as part of a team.

Vader: I led a squadron of TIE fighter pilots at the Battle of Yavin. We operated in perfect formation. Every pilot trusted me completely, largely because the alternative was death. I did lose the battle — a teenager in a secondhand fighter hit an impossible shot — but I survived, which demonstrates excellent self-preservation instincts. I would bring that same survivorship to your respiratory therapy team.

Q: How do you handle stress in the workplace?

Vader: I meditate. I reach out with the Force. I choke a mid-level officer. *long pause* That last one is the problem, I realize. In this role, I would meditate. Only meditate. No choking. Unless the insurance paperwork is truly unreasonable, in which case I make no promises.

Q: This role requires empathy and a gentle bedside manner. Can you speak to that?

Vader: I was gentle with my son. When I revealed our relationship, I did not kill him. I offered him the galaxy. He jumped down a shaft instead, but the offer was sincere. I also saved his life by throwing the Emperor into a reactor core. That required empathy. And upper body strength. I have both.

Q: How do you feel about working night shifts?

Vader: I do not sleep. The suit makes it extremely uncomfortable. I spend my nights standing in a meditation chamber staring into the void. Night shifts are preferred, actually. It gives me something to do besides contemplating the darkness of the universe and my many regrets.

Q: Do you have experience with pediatric patients?

Vader: I... have complicated feelings about children. I trained as a child. I mentored children. I also... *extremely long mechanical breathing pause* ...participated in an incident at the Jedi Temple involving younglings that I would prefer not to discuss. My lawyer has advised me to say "no further comment" on this topic.

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Vader: Alive. That is not a given with this suit. The power cell needs replacing every 18 months and the Emperor deliberately made it uncomfortable as a reminder of my failure. In five years, I would like to have helped thousands of patients breathe easier. I know what it is like to struggle for every breath. That understanding cannot be taught in a classroom. It can only be learned in a lava field on Mustafar.

Q: What salary are you expecting?

Vader: Credits are meaningless to me. I ruled the galaxy. I had a personal Star Destroyer. I need only a modest salary, health insurance that covers pre-existing conditions — I have many — and a parking space large enough for my TIE Advanced fighter. It has a wingspan of 9.2 meters. This is non-negotiable.

Q: One more question. Why should we hire you over the other candidates?

Vader: Because no one in the galaxy understands breathing like I do. Every breath I take is a reminder that breathing is not a right — it is a privilege. I have taken that privilege from others and I have had it nearly taken from me. I have spent 23 years learning exactly how fragile the respiratory system is. Your other candidates studied breathing in textbooks. I live it. Every. Single. *KHHH-PURRR* Breath.

Q: Thank you, Lord Vader. We'll be in—

Vader: You will hire me. *raises hand slightly* You... will... hire me.