Season 1 · Episode 6
Darth Vader:
Addicted to Force-Choking
Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, has Force-choked 847 people, 34 droids, and 12 household appliances this fiscal year alone. HR has filed over 200 complaints. He Force-choked the HR representative. The complaint about Force-choking the HR representative generated another complaint, which he also Force-choked.
Cold Open
“The Death Star break room. 9:15 AM. The coffee machine is slow. A black-gloved hand rises.”
Security footage. The coffee machine begins to rattle. It lifts six inches off the counter. The brewing speed increases. Coffee shoots out at approximately 200 PSI. The mug shatters. The wall behind it is stained. Vader takes his coffee — what remains of it — and walks away. A Stormtrooper behind him in line quietly decides he no longer wants coffee.
VADER
“I find your lack of functionality... disturbing.”
STORMTROOPER TK-421 (WITNESS)
“That was the third coffee machine this month. We've switched to instant. He Force-choked the instant coffee jar. I don't... I don't know what we're supposed to do.”
Meet Darth Vader
Age: 46 · Sith Lord · Middle Management · Chronic Force-Choker
Darth Vader, 46, formerly Anakin Skywalker, is the operational commander of the Galactic Empire's military forces and the single largest source of workplace injury claims in Imperial history. He was promoted to Sith Lord after a career pivot that involved several questionable decisions, a lava-related workplace accident, and a wardrobe change that HR describes as “non-compliant with the Imperial dress code but unenforced for obvious reasons.”
Vader's Force-choking began as a targeted response to military failure. Officers who failed him were Force-choked. This was considered harsh but within the bounds of Sith management practice. The problem escalated when Vader began Force-choking objects. Then furniture. Then his own equipment. Last Tuesday, he Force-choked his Roomba because it bumped into his cape.
VADER (CONFESSIONAL)
“I do not have an addiction. I have a management style. The coffee machine was underperforming. The printer jammed during a critical report. The Roomba showed disrespect to my cape. These are reasonable responses.”
The Addiction
HR Incident Report Excerpts
Day 1
The Printer
The Death Star's main printer jammed during the printing of the quarterly TPS reports. Vader extended his hand. The printer rose four feet off the ground, made a sound described by witnesses as “mechanical screaming,” and ejected all 847 pages at once before crumpling into a ball. Vader said, “I find your lack of toner... disturbing.” Replacement cost: $3,400. The report was never completed.
Day 14
The Roomba
Vader's personal Roomba, designated Unit R2-CLEAN, bumped into his cape during its 3 PM cleaning cycle. Vader Force-choked the Roomba. A Roomba has no throat. It does not breathe. This did not matter. The Roomba was lifted, squeezed, and deposited in the trash compactor. Vader then requisitioned a new Roomba. He named it R2-CLEAN-II. It lasted 72 hours before encountering the cape.
Day 30
The HR Incident
After the 200th workplace complaint was filed, HR Representative Karen Motti scheduled a mandatory meeting with Vader. She began reading the complaints aloud. She got to complaint #4 (“Vader Force-choked the vending machine for dispensing Diet Coke instead of regular”) before being Force-choked herself. The complaint about Force-choking the HR representative was filed by the HR representative from the medical bay. Vader Force-choked the paperwork.
Day 60
The Elevator Music
The Death Star elevator played smooth jazz. Vader Force-choked the speaker system. The elevator. The electrician who installed it. And, for reasons unclear to anyone, a potted plant in the lobby that was, quote, “looking at me wrong.” Imperial maintenance has since removed all plants from Vader's floor. And all speakers. And all eye-level objects.
The Intervention
Participants: Emperor Palpatine, Admiral Piett, Boba Fett (Security), Luke Skywalker (via hologram)
The intervention was held in the Death Star's conference room. All furniture was bolted to the floor. All participants were positioned beyond arm's reach. Boba Fett was present for security, though he privately admitted he “didn't love his chances.”
EMPEROR PALPATINE
“Lord Vader, I have sensed a disturbance in the Force. And also in our operating budget. You have Force-choked 12 coffee machines this quarter. Do you know what coffee machines cost? I built a Death Star. I understand budgets. This is unsustainable.”
ADMIRAL PIETT
“My Lord, the crew has started wearing neck braces preemptively. Morale is at an all-time low. The Stormtroopers have unionized. Their first demand is ‘no more Force-choking.’ Their second demand is ‘better aim training,’ but that's a separate issue.”
LUKE SKYWALKER (HOLOGRAM)
“Father, I believe there is still good in you. You don't have to Force-choke the toaster. You can just... wait for the toast. It takes 90 seconds. That's all. Just 90 seconds of patience.”
VADER
“I find your lack of faith disturbing. I find this intervention disturbing. I find the temperature in this room disturbing. I find many things disturbing. That is not an addiction. That is standards.”
Vader then Force-choked his folding chair, the conference table, and the light fixture before leaving. Boba Fett remained motionless throughout and later described the experience as “exactly what I expected” and “the easiest money I've ever made.”
Expert Opinion
Dr. Yoda — Force-Related Behavioral Therapy (900 Years Experience)
“A problem, young Skywalker has. Force-choke, the path to the dark side it is. But also the path to voided warranties, hmm. Covered by AppleCare, Force damage is not.”
“Suggested meditation, I did. Count to ten before choking, I recommended. Made it to three, he did. Then choked the meditation candle. A difficult patient, he is. Charge extra, I should.”
Where Are They Now?
6 Months After Filming
Darth Vader has Force-choked 312 additional items, including a self-help book about anger management (he choked it mid-chapter), a sympathy card from Luke, and a stress ball sent by HR. The stress ball was designed to be squeezed. He choked it anyway. On principle.
The HR department has been relocated to a separate space station, 40,000 miles from the Death Star. All communications with Vader are now conducted via text message. He has not yet figured out how to Force-choke a text message, though witnesses report he has tried.
R2-CLEAN-VII is the current Roomba. It has been programmed with a cape-avoidance algorithm. It has survived 11 days, a Death Star record. The previous record was held by R2-CLEAN-IV, which lasted 9 days before vacuuming Vader's cape fringe at 2 AM. It was not found.
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