Meesa Outta Here
Jar Jar Binks
Resigns from the Senate
He was a simple Gungan who accidentally became a senator. Then he accidentally gave emergency powers to a Sith Lord. Then the galaxy accidentally became an empire. Meesa sorry.
Dear Senate People,
Meesa writing to say meesa quitting. Meesa resigning from da Galactic Senate effective immediately. Meesa knows this is sudden but meesa thinks everyone agrees that meesa being in da Senate was a mistake from da very beginning and da longer meesa stays, da worse things get.
Meesa wants to address da Bantha in da room: meesa gave emergency powers to Chancellor Palpatine. Meesa stood up in front of da entire Galactic Senate and said, "Meesa propose that da Senate give immediately emergency powers to da Supreme Chancellor." And den everyone clapped. And den Palpatine smiled dat creepy smile. And den he used those powers to destroy democracy and turn da Republic into an Empire and kill all da Jedi.
Meesa. Did dat. Meesa. Meesa is da reason.
In meesa defense — and meesa knows dis is not a great defense — he was VERY convincing. He came to meesa and said, "Jar Jar, the Republic needs you. Only you can propose this." And meesa thought: finally! Somebody needs Jar Jar! Somebody is asking Jar Jar to do something important! Dis is meesa moment! Meesa practiced da speech in da mirror for two hours. Meesa wore meesa best robes. Meesa was so proud.
Turns out he asked meesa because meesa was da dumbest senator and nobody would question why meesa was proposing something meesa didn't understand. He was right. Nobody questioned it. Dey just let meesa do it. Not ONE senator said, "Wait, should we maybe think about this? Should we maybe NOT give unlimited power to one man based on the recommendation of a Gungan who fell into a droid reactor core on his first day in politics?"
How Meesa Got Here:
Meesa was banished from da Gungan city for being clumsy. Dat's how meesa started in politics — meesa was literally too clumsy for underwater civilization. Den meesa met da Jedi. Dey didn't want meesa either but meesa followed them because meesa had nowhere else to go. Den somehow meesa became a general in a war. MEESA. A GENERAL. Meesa stepped on a droid and accidentally destroyed a tank and dey gave meesa a MEDAL.
Den Senator Amidala needed someone to fill in for her at da Senate and she chose MEESA. Why? Meesa will never know. Meesa thinks she was being nice. Padme was always nice to meesa. She was da only one. She called meesa "Representative Binks" like meesa was a real person with a real job. She is gone now and meesa misses her every day and meesa is so sorry dat meesa ruined everything she worked for.
What Meesa Is Doing Next:
Meesa going back to Naboo. Meesa going to open a restaurant. It called "Jar Jar's Bombad Burgers." Meesa makes a good burger. Meesa knows dis because meesa tested da recipe on da Senate cafeteria droids and dey said "adequate" which is da nicest thing anyone has said to meesa in years.
Da menu will have: Bombad Burgers, Gungan Gumbo, Bantha Brisket, and a dessert meesa calling "Meesa Sorry Sundae" which is just a really big sundae because meesa has a lot to be sorry for. Meesa will donate 10% of profits to refugee programs because it's da least meesa can do. Literally. It is da absolute bare minimum and meesa knows that.
Please no more politics. Meesa tried politics and accidentally destroyed democracy. Meesa should not be allowed near government buildings. Meesa should not be allowed to vote on anything more important than what's for lunch. And even den, meesa would probably somehow cause a galactic incident.
Meesa sorry. Meesa so, so sorry.
Jar Jar Binks
Former Representative, Naboo. Future burger chef. Permanent apologizer.
P.S. If anyone finds meesa Senate ID badge, please destroy it. Meesa doesn't want it back. It has meesa picture on it and meesa looks scared, which is accurate but still embarrassing.
P.P.S. Meesa left a casserole in da Senate break room fridge. It's labeled "JAR JAR — DO NOT TOUCH." Please touch it. It's for everyone. Meesa just labeled it like dat so people wouldn't eat it before meesa could share. Nobody ever eats meesa food on purpose but meesa keeps trying.
The Senate's Response
[This response was drafted by the Imperial Senate's Administrative Office, which still technically exists despite having no power whatsoever.]
Dear Representative Binks,
Your resignation has been accepted. Enthusiastically. We mean no offense, but we have been hoping for this letter for approximately seven years.
Regarding the emergency powers situation: while we acknowledge your role in the proposal, we would like to remind you that 2,000 senators voted in favor. You proposed it. Two thousand people agreed. The blame, while heavily concentrated on you (unfairly, somewhat), is technically shared by everyone in the room that day. Everyone is responsible. You are just the most visible reminder of our collective failure, which is why people throw things at you in public.
We tried the casserole. It was delicious. We are sorry we never told you before.
— Imperial Senate Administrative Office
(Dissolved by the Emperor three days after sending this response)
Exit Interview Transcript
Conducted by a Senate administrative droid. The droid was later reassigned to "motivational therapy," which is not a real department.
DROID: Representative Binks, on a scale of 1 to 10—
JAR JAR: Meesa giving it a 2. And dat's only because meesa made some good casseroles in da break room.
DROID: What was your greatest accomplishment?
JAR JAR: [extremely long pause] Meesa once fixed da coffee machine on Level 4. Dat was good. Everybody said so. Well, one person said so. A janitor droid. But he meant it.
DROID: And your biggest regret?
JAR JAR: [stares into middle distance] Yousa knows what meesa biggest regret is. Everybody knows. Da whole GALAXY knows. Meesa single-handedly — well, meesa had help but meesa was da one who said da words — meesa helped create da Empire. Meesa destroyed democracy. Meesa is da punchline of galactic history.
DROID: Would you like a tissue?
JAR JAR: Meesa would like a time machine. But yes, also a tissue.
[The droid provided a tissue. Jar Jar blew his nose in a way that sounded like a wet trumpet. The droid requested a memory wipe.]
What Happened Next
Jar Jar's Bombad Burgers opened on the outskirts of Theed, Naboo. Opening day was quiet — most people still associated Jar Jar with the fall of democracy. But the burgers were genuinely excellent.
Word spread slowly. A food critic from the Naboo Times gave it four out of five stars, writing: "The man who destroyed the Republic makes an unreasonably good burger. The cognitive dissonance is part of the experience."
The "Meesa Sorry Sundae" became a local favorite. It is, as described, just a very large sundae. Jar Jar personally apologizes to each customer as he serves it.
He still donates 10% to refugee programs. He also volunteers at a Gungan youth center, where he teaches cooking and explicitly warns children: "Never go into politics. Meesa is living proof."
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